I've been lax in my writing exercises

But not in my physical exercises, I can assure you.
Nor in my homework duties.
You see, I've just been burnt out these past 2 weeks from class.  30 hours of class in two weeks + 1200 pages of reading + my other class reading & homework + figuring out paper topics + searching/buying/checking out books for said papers.

Thus?  My brain is mush when I get home and I haven't felt like turning the computer on and blogging at night.  I'm sorry.  I don't apologize to you, because I know you're cool with it, but I apologize to my future self and its writing abilities.

To celebrate diminished brain powers and lack of writing finesse, I shall pretend that this blog is my twitter feed and just blurt out some of my thoughts.  Enjoy!

• I'm reading Chi Running and worked on my form a little bit yesterday.  Well, a lot.  A planned 30 minute, light run to work on form turned into an hour and a half or so of being lost, being hot, having to poop, worrying about the dog, backtracking, resting in a park, and finally asking for directions.  My time was still pretty good, though, and I'm not very sore today, so I think the form worked.
• I think I'm going to do my first paper on Manifestations/Representation/? of the Trinity in The Chronicles of Narnia. So, I'm kind of skimming my way through them right now.  
• My right butt cheek hurts.
• I'm glad to be back in Sonoma County after being away for all of this week and most of last week.
• We didn't have the DVR set to keep more than one episode of So You Think You Can Dance, so we have to watch Wednesday's ep online, but I already know who went home on Thursday.
• You know what my 4 bookcases look like, yes?  Well, I currently also have 7 books on the back of the couch, one on the end table behind me, one pile of 13 on the kitchen table, another pile of 5 on the table, 6 on top of the bookcase in the kitchen, and I returned 8 to the library earlier.  Almost all of the books mentioned were/are for school.  
• I'm really really in the mood to go to Southern California.  Hmmm...one more...
• I love my life:  being in school, being in ministry, being in California, being in love, being in shape.  It's all good.

Wednesday if often Blergday

Today has not/did not go as planned.  I wanted to and needed to get some things done before my volunteer job, so I set my alarm for a reasonable hour.  Unfortunately, I had my earplugs in entirely too well, and I woke up at 12:09pm.  Ugh.

So, my fabulous day of doing dishes, working out, then lazily reading while volunteering turned into hurry-hurry-chaos-hurry.  I only read a little bit, because it was just a busy day.  There was a National Geographic camera crew at ADI, so people were constantly in and out of my area of the building, and people were actually coming in and wanting, gosh, help!

Then I got to feel like a complete noob trying to wrangle a design program on a Mac since my lovely student helpers were MIA at Big Time.  I was stupidly printing multiple pages when I only needed one (of color! my little tree-hugging heart was bleeding), and couldn't figure out how to fix that until the last name tag (yep, it's 2 words today) was printed.  Then I fumbled my way through a database, having to go back and find almost every person I put in to add something that I forgot.  When one of the students finally showed up, I made her enter the last two people as a punishment, though she knows what she's doing and it took her about 2 minutes. It's not like I'm 85 and know nothing about computers!  I'm intuitive, dammit!

So, I'm at home again instead of being at the gym.  I was feeling harried, and I am going to sit and start anew tomorrow.  Dishes are clean, laundry is washing, I'm sitting with my husband.  I shan't have guilt.

Reading:  I'm working on Storm Glass by Maria V. Snyder, which is not really a sequel to her "Study" series, but kind of is.  There are some overlapping characters and it is set in the same world, a few years after the last book of that series.  I'm really liking it so far.  She doesn't write in any sort of sensational way, but I get sucked into her stories.  They're earthy, but not slow.  I wish I could describe it better. *

*edited because I used the wrong they're/their/there.  I told you it was a blerg kind of day. 

Redefining My Boundaries

As you may know, I've gotten slightly more into politics over the last two years or so.  Though I've always done my research and voted, I never really paid much attention to what was going on or read the news much.  Not that I became a political junkie or anything, but I started reading more articles, which led to getting more invested in one point of view or another, and it also means that I saw a lot more of the ugly side of things. 

You might not be aware of this, but our media is very polarized right now (NO!) and things like Twitter and facebook make it much easier for that polarized spirit to leak out of your computer and get all over your friends and family.  For me, though I tried to stay neutral and only enter the political posting waters from time to time, I still found myself getting more and more angry at people- not simply for their posts that I may disagree with, but for the attitude I inferred from these posts.  There is a real spirit of anger, judgment, and hatred that turns my stomach, but I was getting caught up in the mire of being angry because these other people were always so angry! 

The other day, Glen Beck pushed me past my breaking point.  So what was it that I broke through and what am I leaving behind?  All my mini-political junkie trappings.  As painful as it is to me, I'm not watching the Daily Show or the Colbert Report anymore.  I'm not following columnists on Twitter.  I'll hide more people on facebook if I have to, but I'm not going to fight anymore, even in my own head. 

It's not my job to be right.  It's not my job to convince people that...well, of anything really.  At least not in the "I'll convince you with my words and badgering and facts and figures" kind of way.  I am an influence on people, and especially on a decent number of students.  What am I teaching them by posting snarky political things or arguing with my friends and family in a public forum?  Not love and respect. 

Am I saying that one should be uninformed?  Not at all.  I just need to concentrate on what my job is and what my job is not.  I am a teacher and leader and example; hopefully of love, mercy, humility, and grace.  I know where my priorities lie. 

Quick complaints about Heroes (with one or two praises)

It bugs me so freaking much that the show has gone with the storyline that Peter really lost his powers and can only have one at a time.  It just burns me right up!   If his ability was that he could have all the abilities- it was something in him that he had to finally realize- then he should still have it.  His dad shouldn't have been able to take that away.  Maybe for awhile, but then he should have been able to tap into that place inside of himself and have them all again. AGH!!!  You can ask Seth about how much this bothers me, because I can't seem to shut up about it, like the fact that the contestants on the Amazing Race area always shown buying 2 plane tickets, when we know DAMN WELL that they need 4 to include their crew members!!
(Also in this annoying vein is Extreme Makeover when the designers pretend that they're just meeting the family and AHA!, I think I'll make you this kind of room! It doesn't take away from our enjoyment of the show to know that you planned it ahead of time.  It's already impressive. Just show us the stinking house more! I'd prefer they didn't even show the designers at all.  Other than Michael.)

Wow, that was a long parenthetical.

Heroes did one good thing tonight: they finally brought up again the fact that Sylar doesn't have to kill to take abilities.  Sylar has really been the center of my difficulties with this show, and I liked complex Sylar. I absolutely LOVED the vision of GoodFutureSylar with a baby in Claire's kitchen.  I'm glad that they're having him struggle again, though the "I'm so bad! No one will ever love me!" thing is a bit lame.  Very romance novel.  Which reminds me of what I said after seeing Star Trek: I really want Zachary Quinto to be in a romantic comedy.  To smile and laugh and be normal.  Please?

Oh, and confused Fan Boy Hiro is a crack-up. 

Ignoring The Boss to start post 2

I'm trying to keep going. Oy, I can't go on looking at Mickey Rourke.

I believe that I doubt my commitment to these awards. If I can barely keep my finger from the skip button while watching, why would anyone, especially ones not watching, want to read my commentary? Alas, it was worth a try. I am throwing in the towel at the 16 minute mark, enjoying Simon Baker but confused by his trying to keep his accent down.

Arianna Huffington, I tried. I tried to just blog. To not edit, to just write, to put it out there. I can't do it. Thank you for your support.

Ze Golden Globe Awards

So, what I' m going to try to do here is a live commentary whilst watching the awards. Well, I'm going to start them a bit late, and I shall skip through some parts, because, c'mon, I'm not getting paid for this, I am probably bad at it, and it's for my own lulz. I'm going to try to make sense at the time. This is really an exercise in fun.

Commence!

Ooh, too much fake tanner and Greek goddess extensions on that Acess Hollywood chick.
Could the theme song be more annoying? Doubtful. Drew Barrymore's hair doubts it, too. It is large with disapproval.

J.Lo, do you have a different style of dress? I don't think you do. Good thing this one is golden.

Does Penelope Cruz have a deal with the devil? That Viola Davis is pretty.

Yay for Kate Winslet! I love her so much. And she's sitting with Leo- lovely.
Okay, now shut up.

Gah! Can I have the title of "Social Activist," or can only rich, famous, beardy people like Sting have it. I mean, I am active on social networking sites, and I also could be called a social butterfuly sometimes. I'm taking it.

Less than 8 minutes in, I want 2 follicular interventions to be done: Sting and, someone, for the love of Pete, tell Billy Ray Cyrus that his hair is unacceptable!

This isn't a very interesting post so far. May abort, abort!

Tourette's Tics Me Off

Last week, Seth and I watched a TV movie called Front of the Class, about a man with a pretty harsh case of Tourette's who became an elementary school teacher after much heartache.
The movie was only okay- it was a Hallmark Hall of Fame. It was inspiring. You know. But I cried a LOT because it was so hard to watch the progression of this guy with some really bad tics all the way from elementary school through finally getting a teaching job. People were mean to him, he was told he was doing it on purpose, he embarrassed his dad, annoyed people. It was awful.

My husband's case of Tourette's is nowhere near the level of this guy's, but I still am embarrassed by him sometimes. If he's making noise in church, I want him to stop because I don't want him to bother the people around him. I also don't want people to think poorly of him; that he's just a loud guy being weird or inappropriate. I do act sometimes like he can control it. He can, to a certain extent, but it's hard, it stresses him out, and it just makes it worse after a while.

I hated seeing that poor little boy get yelled at or shunned by his own dad because of his tics. I hate the thought that I make my husband feel crummy with a look or gesture when I wish he wasn't ticking. I don't want to be that person. I've tried for a while to cultivate in myself the quality of not caring what people think. To abandon obsession with appearance, making sure everyone likes me and my husband, always appearing smart and put-together. He doesn't care what people think, and he knows that the people that matter know what's going on. Some people never even notice until they're told. Usually at my prompting, because I think that he's being conspicuous and I don't want people to judge him (by which, of course, I mean me).

I guess this is a confession. I don't want to be like this. I know that I don't have to be. Only the Holy Spirit can remind me and nudge me and make the change in my heart.

What I've Learned Lately

1) I'm happier being outside than being inside. I was going to say, "I like being outside better," but that's not completely true. The lazy flesh wants to stay inside, vegetate, be fat and unhappy. Without fail, though, as soon as I step outside, I'm happier and feel better. I've known for a while that I need the sun, but I'm pleased to see that it's just the outdoors in general.
It hit me more clearly a couple weeks ago when I got up, was exhausted and foggy, and I needed a Coke, but there was none in the house. I got in the car to drive to Jack in the Box for a Coke, but I really didn't need it by the time I got there. Once I left my house, I was feeling more awake and chipper.
I've always wanted to be Outdoor Girl, and I believe that I finally am her!

2) Perception is NOT reality. I've said the opposite in the past, and I think that the opposite is true as far as our actions and psychology go, but we really need to get back to focusing on the actual reality of the situations. Where did I have this revelation? At the Exploratorium.
We were going through all the visual experiments, and I learned about the nerves on the backs of our eyes. They are ALWAYS in our field of vision, but our brains block them out. Now, I've heard things like this before, and I know that our brains fill in our blind spots with what they're pretty sure is there. I also know concretely from Carson and other places that we have messed up perceptions of our bodies. It's just that it finally hit me in a real way as a scientific fact, not just psychological mumbo jumbo. The way I think of and see my body isn't necessarily real. It's not what's actually there.
That can go either way in my case, because I often think I'm totally adorable, and then I see a picture and change my mind. So which is real? The cute or the hateful captured in the picture? And other days I feel super ugly in person, or I can get a picture that I love.
But I had to sit there and gather myself and try to not cry in the children's museum because it finally hit me that our eyes and minds lie to us. I kind of think it's great.

thirtysomething

I've been thinking about throwing thirtysomething on my  queue, but I'm sort of afraid.  

"Afraid?" you ask.  "Why would you be afraid?"

Well, when the show was on, I thought that the people on it looked terribly old and I couldn't really believe that they were only in their thirties.  And I still think of those actors as quite old.  The issue is this: I'm in my thirties.  What if, when I watch it, they don't still look old to me, but they look like babies or something?  Or what if I totally recognize myself in these people I thought were old?  

Every once in a while, someone thinks that I'm in my twenties.  I just want to freeze those moments and carry them around with me.  

Ahhh...Here I am again

Good Morning.
I was hoping to be asleep tonight. I even tried some chemical assistance, but to no avail. So much for modern medicine.

The good news is that I'm probably quitting my job tomorrow. That will help with a lot of this. I've never really slept fantastically, but my work schedule is all screwy and includes some late and overnights, and I just can't seem to recover from them.

But this is boring.

I've recently gotten into Lost, and I really like it. I'm annoyed that they are skipping episodes for those of us just starting out with the show, but at least I have Television Without Pity to catch me up. I have an episode waiting to be watched on my DVR, but I should wait to watch it with my husband. I already watched TAR without him.

My family worries me a bit. My parents are/were alcoholics, quit for a while, and are back on it and we're not allowed to talk about it or act like it's weird.
How am I supposed to pretend that it doesn't bother me? I keep trying to tell myself that they're okay, that it's not as destructive as it was when I was younger. And it really is a different brand that they're practicing now, but it still ain't cool. It makes me uncomfortable, and it makes my little sister living with them uncomfortable and scared, I think.
Not scared scared, but worried about them.

I love how I put an apostrophe in "ain't" as if it is an actual contraction.

I have a friend who is really going through some difficult times in her life and is quite needy.
I want to be there for her, but it's really difficult. I feel like I just don't have it in me to be there for her right now. Not on the terms she wants. I can't give her what she needs because a) I just cannot do it, and b) it is just so much work to actually accomplish anything with her nowadays. And, to act like a scumbag for a minute, I don't want to put a whole lot of effort into it anymore. It has been a one-way street for a long time now, and so little actually changes.
I love her to death and always will, but the bending over backward can't go on. It's too much.
Is this completely cold-hearted? Perhaps. It isn't how I feel all the time, but more and more. Of course, I'm not in the cheeriest of places the past few months.

This insomnia thing. I don't know if it qualifies as a sickness or not, but in my mind I've just been thinking of it as "I haven't been well lately." Almost as if I have a disease. People just can't seem to get why I'm so tired or sleeping so late or cancelling plans. I just haven't been well.