Girl with a Pearl Earring

Wow. I just watched this movie tonight and I absolutely love it.
I had expected it to be boring, but it is beautiful. Every scene was
gorgeous and looked like it could have been a painting itself.
The movie was very quiet and very sexy, even though hardly anything happenned.
I'm going to be thinking about it a lot.
Also, I hadn't been very aware of Vermeer's work, but I really like
what I saw. Gorgeous.

Plus, I've had a big Europe fixation lately, and that just added to it.

*2/25/09- I'm taking out part of this post because traffic keeps getting directed here for a picture that isn't here. Do I want traffic? Of course! Are the people looking for pictures of my snowboots staying to read my blog? No. So, I remove.

Coughing and coughing, but sleeping

Well, I see that it's been a long while. I've been sick, but that has helped me to sleep.
I've only been up past midnight once or twice, and that was by choice, so that's cool.

Twice now on my trips to urgent care, I have had to see a cute doctor. Who needs this?
I sleep in as late as possible, call in to work, put on a headband and holey sweatshirt, and head to the doctor. I don't need Dr. Hotty Pants! I can take a little comfort in the notion that he is probably gay and, therefore, cares even less for me and my physical appearance than he would otherwise, but I blush like a stinkin' schoolgirl when he comes into the room and that just is uncalled-for.
I am a grown, married woman!

Work isn't quite so hateful. My schedule is better and I know that my goal now is just to get out of there once I find something I love (actually, I'm on a quest for my true calling, but more on that another day), but I'm not going crazy anymore.

Achy and Awake

I tried to quit my job last week, but my boss was all, "Wait, wait! Let's talk!" So I still have a job. Which is good, financially, but I really wanted to sleep! And now I'm sick and need to go to the doctor or at least stay home, but I feel like I can't call in because I called in so much last year out of hatred and exhaustion.
I really feel like poop.

I'm going to start seeing a life coach, so that's cool. I met with her once, and it is someone I already know from church, so it should work out well.
She says that in 3 months we're going to figure out what my purpose/passion/goal is. Excellent. I'm tired of drifting and feeling like a loser.

I don't always feel like a loser, just sometimes. I want to quit my job so bad, but then I think, "Oh, but what if I have to get a job at Target and people see me." I know that is lame, but I also know that almost everyone thinks that way. The dumbest part is that when I think of "people" seeing me, it is people from high school. I DON'T CARE ABOUT PEOPLE FROM HIGH SCHOOL! I haven't seen anyone that I don't want to see in the 12 years since graduation.

Right now I want to keep my job because it is decent money and I need to get my teeth fixed and new dental insurance won't cover pre-existing missing teeth.

TV Lust and Whatnot

So, some serious Josh Holloway lust going on. He's a bit too Kid Rock-looking on Lost, but still quite yummy.

The sleep has shifted a bit. The past few days I am so tired that I can go to bed early-ish, but I've been waking up.
I tried to quit my job and now they're working with me a bit on my schedule, so that should help. I am a little disappointed that I couldn't quit, though. Although it is irresponsible, I was REALLY looking forward to not working and just SLEEPING for a while! Oh well. Continued paychecks are the upside.

I have nothing deep or witty to add tonight. So, I shall stop writing.
I am meeting with a life coach tomorrow, so that should give me things to talk about. Yes, it sounds really dorky, but I'm desperate here. I have almost no idea at all what I want to do with my life. I feel like I'm sort of drifting. I know the person I'm seeing, so I think that it will help.

More on that later.

New Year's Day at Work

My grandma died last month. Well, now it's almost been two months.
The dumbest things can bring it into my mind and it kills me.
It sounds melodramatic, but when I think about her I want to stab my heart out (why a spoon cousin?).
It's the second time in my life that I have specifically felt like the hurt was in my heart.
I was just looking up movie times for later today and I happened to see the theater where I went with her exactly once. Of course, it was the last time I went to the movies with her, but it was a few years ago. For A Beautiful Mind. She loved it, and I was tired and crabby. We went out to eat after and I was just so not in the mood. Not for her, but I was just so tired and didn't feel chipper and like discussing the movie. I felt bad at the time, because she hardly ever went out anymore because of her breathing. Our outing was a test-run for her to see if she felt comfortable using her travel-size oxygen tank. She was so pleased, and I was so crabby.

It's not like I'm beating myself up á la some crappy movie scene, "If only I had told her I loved her!" I saw her a lot and we watched a lot of movies and talked a lot. It was all good, but that doesn't make it less crappy when I think about what could have been a nicer time with her.

Man, I need to get more sleep. I am so tired of feeling depressed and crazy.

Hope in the Word

"I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable
and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue
to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world."

John 16:33 from the Message

Ahhh...Here I am again

Good Morning.
I was hoping to be asleep tonight. I even tried some chemical assistance, but to no avail. So much for modern medicine.

The good news is that I'm probably quitting my job tomorrow. That will help with a lot of this. I've never really slept fantastically, but my work schedule is all screwy and includes some late and overnights, and I just can't seem to recover from them.

But this is boring.

I've recently gotten into Lost, and I really like it. I'm annoyed that they are skipping episodes for those of us just starting out with the show, but at least I have Television Without Pity to catch me up. I have an episode waiting to be watched on my DVR, but I should wait to watch it with my husband. I already watched TAR without him.

My family worries me a bit. My parents are/were alcoholics, quit for a while, and are back on it and we're not allowed to talk about it or act like it's weird.
How am I supposed to pretend that it doesn't bother me? I keep trying to tell myself that they're okay, that it's not as destructive as it was when I was younger. And it really is a different brand that they're practicing now, but it still ain't cool. It makes me uncomfortable, and it makes my little sister living with them uncomfortable and scared, I think.
Not scared scared, but worried about them.

I love how I put an apostrophe in "ain't" as if it is an actual contraction.

I have a friend who is really going through some difficult times in her life and is quite needy.
I want to be there for her, but it's really difficult. I feel like I just don't have it in me to be there for her right now. Not on the terms she wants. I can't give her what she needs because a) I just cannot do it, and b) it is just so much work to actually accomplish anything with her nowadays. And, to act like a scumbag for a minute, I don't want to put a whole lot of effort into it anymore. It has been a one-way street for a long time now, and so little actually changes.
I love her to death and always will, but the bending over backward can't go on. It's too much.
Is this completely cold-hearted? Perhaps. It isn't how I feel all the time, but more and more. Of course, I'm not in the cheeriest of places the past few months.

This insomnia thing. I don't know if it qualifies as a sickness or not, but in my mind I've just been thinking of it as "I haven't been well lately." Almost as if I have a disease. People just can't seem to get why I'm so tired or sleeping so late or cancelling plans. I just haven't been well.

The Madness Begins

I'm afraid that I'll quite often be slightly crabby when writing here, due to the lack of sleep and whatnot.
Although, on one hand, I enjoy being up late and being able to read and hang out, I also really would like to sleep when the other people (like my husband) do and then be able to actually enjoy part of the actual daylight before going to work or turning in for the night.

I always feel guilty when I'm not reading my Bible when I'm up late. Psalm 119 continually talks about meditating on the Word day and night and then you'll be wise, healthy, etc. And I believe that and I want to have the desire to just pick up my Bible more often, it's just that I am so tired and just want to vegetate and not think. But I sure make a heck of a lot more time for television than I do for God.

That's depressing. But I'll not be pessimistic (although, again, the sleepiness and crabbiness make that hard...). I'm a work in progress.

I think that this is all for today. Perhaps you won't hear from me tomorrow! A girl must have faith that sleep will come.