2009- Man, am I glad it's over

I gotta tell ya, I don't feel like writing right now. (Gee! Thanks, Robin! I'm sure this will be GREAT!)  I know that I should write, though.  I can't believe I've only written once this month, when I know I have thoughts rolling around in my head.

Nutshell? I'm pretty depressed.  It's not like I'm crying and in the depths of despair, but more a conclusion I've come to or something I finally saw.  I have zero motivation to do anything other than play Bubble Town or be on FB & Twitter all day.  And I'm tired of it.

I don't like the way I live my life.  God & my husband don't allow me to not work so that I can get fatter and fatter and also get carpal tunnel.  I'm supposed to be doing things.  I'm supposed to take better care of my husband and house, I'm supposed to be volunteering more, I'm supposed to be reading and studying and hanging out with people I care about and exercising and playing real instruments, not just plastic ones.

Usually I'm not a big fan of shoulding on myself, but this is more than a guilt trip: it's a not quite rock bottom that I would like to be a turning point.  I'm clear about these things.

The year started oddly: my sister, who I probably love more than anyone in the world besides Seth, was in the hospital.  After about a month, I just couldn't stand it anymore and, after dropping my classes, went to Michigan to be with her.  I woke up one night just crying and freaking out because I couldn't stand the thought of her being alone in the hospital when my mom couldn't be there (and her husband was deployed).

The doctors were really being pessimistic and all but assuring her that her daughter would die, but we didn't believe them.  There are plenty of stories online about women in similar situations whose babies lived.  I, for one, expected Adi to be born premature and puny, but that she'd live.  Sure, complications were to be expected, but they'd be gotten past.  But she did die.

My sister had a horrible, terrifying c-section while my brother-in-law watched their daughter get yanked out of her, and then he watched her die after an hour.  My sister never saw her or held her alive.

The same day that my niece died, my friend's brother was accidentally shot and killed.  Let's cancel January 23rd from now on, okay?

I was in MI for a month, mourning and comforting as best I could, but I also had a good time with my friends and family.  A few days after my sister got out of the hospital, we went to Costco and my brother-in-law and I cracked up watching her try to run people down in the scooter/cart.  I got to see lots of my friends multiple times, I got drunker than ever before with one of my best friends and some guys from high school, I got together with some online friends, saw a Red Wings game, and got sick of winter.

After I was home for a few weeks, I went to stay with my sister for 2 weeks in North Carolina.  We had a great time, and we also got to visit our cousin and her family in Richmond, which was fabulous.

A lot of the year was good: I went to CHIC with the youth group, Seth and I had a great 10th anniversary vacation in the NW, and I had a fabulous class this fall.

This was also an expensive year, and my car currently sits dead in the driveway.  All told, I was out of my bed & away from home for almost 4 months this year.

I've been worried a lot this year.  About my sister, brother-in-law, parents, another sister who has been depressed and confused, the messed-up sister who lost both her kids but is pregnant with a third, about everything that could be worried about for my husband, about money, the marriages of multiple friends-- you name it.  I know I don't need to worry, and I sometimes do a good job of casting stuff on God.  But not enough, apparently. 

I stopped working with two ministries and added another one, which is still finding its rhythm.

I didn't really like our Christmas.

I want a house.

I want a best friend in California.

I've stayed on medicine, which I want to double, but I don't want to do that arbitrarily.  I can't ask my doctor do up my prescription, because I still haven't seen anyone about my depression.  I didn't think I needed to before, but maybe I do.  Maybe if I talked to someone about my stupid lack of motivation and what appears to be self-sabotage, I'd get somewhere.  I know that Jesus is helping me and I don't have to do all this on my own.

I'm just tired.  And I'm excited about this year being over.  I know it has been weird, and I want it to go.  I want to start over- start fresh.  Though some may call that naïve, I know that I can start fresh. I can start over right now, if I wanted to.  I've been trying for about 2 weeks now to change; to think in a new way.

I just keep sitting back down.

CHIC

This is the first of 2 posts about my 2 weeks of mayhem. Both were great, but there's a lot to tell. The next post will cover our vacation.

Week 1: CHIC (Covenant High In Christ)- the triennial youth conference for our denomination. This was my first time attending, and it did not disappoint. Well, I would have liked to bond a little bit more with my girls, but oh well.

We all had our fabulous matching t-shirts at the airport bright & early on Saturday morning, so that we could more easily keep track of our group of 42. (This picture was taken on our last day, waiting for the flight home. Thanks, Susie.) The CHIC logo is the weird yellow thing, so our staff designed PacMan themed shirts because of the resemblance.

After hanging out at the airport for quite a while, we boarded our plane to Nashville, with all of us taking up the rear of the plane. I was in the very back row with a girl who had never flown before and one of my sweet girls who brings nothing on flights with her because she wants to talk. (And I complain about not bonding!) We tease each other about that.

We rented minivans in Nashville & spend the night in town, taking over a local restaurant for dinner, followed by the swarming of the hotel pool. The next day, we drove to Knoxville, which was a beautiful drive to a cute town.

We stayed in dorms, which were fine. All the kids roomed together, and adults roomed together. That was nice. The campus is HUGE and Tennessee is HOT, so there was weight loss, for sure. Lots of sweating and walking. Even at 8 in the morning, we were sweaty. I love the South, but I'm glad I live in CA where there's dry heat.

Each day consisted of breakfast in a nearby dorm, followed by 2 group sessions somewhere else on campus dealing with the topics of relating to yourself, to God, to the World, and to Others. Most of them were very good. One dealt with faking it and putting on masks, another was a great worship session that felt very real & jam-like. Another had an exercise about judging people that was good, and there was also a day educating us on human trafficking (there is a LOT of it. Seriously).

The afternoons were filled with free time for the kids to do anything they wanted, including a number of excursions. There were sports tournaments of all kinds, chess, crafts, swimming, water slides, bowling, bands playing outside. It was great. I mostly wandered with Susie (blue tank top on the left above), and sometimes tried to take a nap. One day, though, I did run into town (really, I ran. It was hot.) to buy Harry Potter tickets, as it opened the Wednesday we were there. That afternoon, 20 of us walked/ran into downtown Knoxville to watch the movie, which was a lot of fun. Another afternoon, I went white water rafting with Susie & 3 of the girls, which was great. I had never done it before, and we had a lot of fun, especially laughing at one of our girls falling out of the raft.
The evenings were dinner in the dorm, then Main Stage, which was at the arena. About 8000 people gathered for concerts, worship, and speakers. All the speakers were very good, but I believe that Shane Claiborne was the best, and the kids loved him, too. After you look at his site, you'll say, "Of course you loved the commune-living hippie, Robin!"

We also saw the David Crowder Band, which was more fun than I expected; Flyleaf, which was very loud and I took too long to start dancing and get into it; Israel Houghton & New Breed, which I loved due to nostalgia for his leading worship at Lakewood; and Third Day, who I liked and respected much more than I thought I would do. Also, on the first night, the daughter of our speaker, Erwin McManus, played with her band, Glare of Rockets, which is my new favorite band. (When you listen on myspace, know that live her voice didn't feel so sweet & they were much more dark & wall-of-sound feeling. She's like a mixture of Paramore & Mazzy Starr.)

Some of our students won the short film contest, and the video doesn't appear to be his youtube page, so I'll post it later. It was pretty funny. People learned, cried, bonded, grew. It was good. We were at Main Stage until at least 11pm every night, and ate pizza every night after. Got about 6 hours of sleep or less, sweated, trekked, had a good time. I got a foot massage in the airport before our departing flight, which was lovely. I'll definitely go again, but hopefully, a bunch of us won't get sick next time.