Thursday, December 30, 2004

Hope in the Word

"I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable
and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue
to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world."

John 16:33 from the Message

Ahhh...Here I am again

Good Morning.
I was hoping to be asleep tonight. I even tried some chemical assistance, but to no avail. So much for modern medicine.

The good news is that I'm probably quitting my job tomorrow. That will help with a lot of this. I've never really slept fantastically, but my work schedule is all screwy and includes some late and overnights, and I just can't seem to recover from them.

But this is boring.

I've recently gotten into Lost, and I really like it. I'm annoyed that they are skipping episodes for those of us just starting out with the show, but at least I have Television Without Pity to catch me up. I have an episode waiting to be watched on my DVR, but I should wait to watch it with my husband. I already watched TAR without him.

My family worries me a bit. My parents are/were alcoholics, quit for a while, and are back on it and we're not allowed to talk about it or act like it's weird.
How am I supposed to pretend that it doesn't bother me? I keep trying to tell myself that they're okay, that it's not as destructive as it was when I was younger. And it really is a different brand that they're practicing now, but it still ain't cool. It makes me uncomfortable, and it makes my little sister living with them uncomfortable and scared, I think.
Not scared scared, but worried about them.

I love how I put an apostrophe in "ain't" as if it is an actual contraction.

I have a friend who is really going through some difficult times in her life and is quite needy.
I want to be there for her, but it's really difficult. I feel like I just don't have it in me to be there for her right now. Not on the terms she wants. I can't give her what she needs because a) I just cannot do it, and b) it is just so much work to actually accomplish anything with her nowadays. And, to act like a scumbag for a minute, I don't want to put a whole lot of effort into it anymore. It has been a one-way street for a long time now, and so little actually changes.
I love her to death and always will, but the bending over backward can't go on. It's too much.
Is this completely cold-hearted? Perhaps. It isn't how I feel all the time, but more and more. Of course, I'm not in the cheeriest of places the past few months.

This insomnia thing. I don't know if it qualifies as a sickness or not, but in my mind I've just been thinking of it as "I haven't been well lately." Almost as if I have a disease. People just can't seem to get why I'm so tired or sleeping so late or cancelling plans. I just haven't been well.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

The Madness Begins

I'm afraid that I'll quite often be slightly crabby when writing here, due to the lack of sleep and whatnot.
Although, on one hand, I enjoy being up late and being able to read and hang out, I also really would like to sleep when the other people (like my husband) do and then be able to actually enjoy part of the actual daylight before going to work or turning in for the night.

I always feel guilty when I'm not reading my Bible when I'm up late. Psalm 119 continually talks about meditating on the Word day and night and then you'll be wise, healthy, etc. And I believe that and I want to have the desire to just pick up my Bible more often, it's just that I am so tired and just want to vegetate and not think. But I sure make a heck of a lot more time for television than I do for God.

That's depressing. But I'll not be pessimistic (although, again, the sleepiness and crabbiness make that hard...). I'm a work in progress.

I think that this is all for today. Perhaps you won't hear from me tomorrow! A girl must have faith that sleep will come.