Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Hot, tranny mess

Maybe this should go under the posting of "things I learned," but it doesn't quite fit. I mean, I know that there is a difference between transgendered and drag. Perhaps since I have never had to make that distinction on the ground, it didn't click in my head. A few weeks ago I ate at this restuarant, where I was told there would be drag queens. I was pretty excited to go, I tell you. I was going with the Kiwis and Paula (woman originally from Dearborn, now living in SF!), none of whom had ever been there. I even went to the website to check out prices before I went, and it still didn't click that these weren't going to be drag queens.
They were trannies. Bad lip-synchers. Many seemed depressed. Dressed like Mariah Carey on her most hoochie-mama, too-much lipstick kinda day. I'm sure it's insensitive of me, and maybe it's just because they're new to me, but many struck me as sad, confused boys. And they made me confused and sad.
I guess I've never been fully able to wrap my head around people who want to be the opposite gender; to deny who they are. I know that lots will say that to live any other way would be to deny who they are, but I cannot believe that that phenomenon-truly feeling trapped in the wrong body- is as common as it would seem looking around.
I must admit that I have half a mind to take this post down. Like I shouldn't offer my thoughts on the matter and be labeled a self-righteous hater or something. But a) it's my blog. b) I don't expect everyone to agree with me or understand all that I do, so others shouldn't expect the same from me.

What I've Learned Lately

1) I'm happier being outside than being inside. I was going to say, "I like being outside better," but that's not completely true. The lazy flesh wants to stay inside, vegetate, be fat and unhappy. Without fail, though, as soon as I step outside, I'm happier and feel better. I've known for a while that I need the sun, but I'm pleased to see that it's just the outdoors in general.
It hit me more clearly a couple weeks ago when I got up, was exhausted and foggy, and I needed a Coke, but there was none in the house. I got in the car to drive to Jack in the Box for a Coke, but I really didn't need it by the time I got there. Once I left my house, I was feeling more awake and chipper.
I've always wanted to be Outdoor Girl, and I believe that I finally am her!

2) Perception is NOT reality. I've said the opposite in the past, and I think that the opposite is true as far as our actions and psychology go, but we really need to get back to focusing on the actual reality of the situations. Where did I have this revelation? At the Exploratorium.
We were going through all the visual experiments, and I learned about the nerves on the backs of our eyes. They are ALWAYS in our field of vision, but our brains block them out. Now, I've heard things like this before, and I know that our brains fill in our blind spots with what they're pretty sure is there. I also know concretely from Carson and other places that we have messed up perceptions of our bodies. It's just that it finally hit me in a real way as a scientific fact, not just psychological mumbo jumbo. The way I think of and see my body isn't necessarily real. It's not what's actually there.
That can go either way in my case, because I often think I'm totally adorable, and then I see a picture and change my mind. So which is real? The cute or the hateful captured in the picture? And other days I feel super ugly in person, or I can get a picture that I love.
But I had to sit there and gather myself and try to not cry in the children's museum because it finally hit me that our eyes and minds lie to us. I kind of think it's great.