But...but...what about ME?

As I've mentioned before, we didn't want kids for most of our marriage. We hung out by ourselves, were involved in lots of different stuff, and we've been slowly figuring out what we want to be when we grow up. Kids weren't part of the picture until they suddenly were. And it did feel sudden. Like, "Wait a minute here! I thought I was going down this road over here." A left turn.

I'm in seminary. I used to say that I wanted to be a pastor, even though I didn't know what kind. (Now I'm not sure I'll ever be a pastor in a church, but my call remains.) My call was nebulous, but I had a vague direction. As I felt my way through school and plugged myself into various ministry positions at church, I started feeling my way towards a more concrete direction, and that direction was high school students/college students/young adults.  Those are the people I want to hang out with, teach, and help. It came as somewhat of a surprise, but looking back, it really shouldn't have done. (I'm British now, yo.)

Then the parenting itch/call/bomb happened.

And it all stopped. The official college/young adult ministry had petered out on its own, but it was still very sad. Then I was overwhelmed by all the foster care stuff that started, and high school ministry was the only thing I could take off my plate. I was crushed. 

It didn't make any sense to me that once I finally started getting clarity, God gave me a big ol' nope. The good news is that, for a year now, I've been back involved with high school students, and it's better than ever. I feel like God gave it back to me and then some.

But..but..I've still tried to stay connected to graduates. I still want to walk with them and be part of their lives and "minister" to them. And I am still friends with many and get to hang out with a few, if not often enough. 

I have kids now. That is what my life is about, for the most part. I can't have people over like I'd like and can't go out with people as much as I used to. And I know that this is something I want and that parenting is the clearest calling I've ever had. I know this, but that doesn't always make it easy to let go of old ways you had of defining yourself. Of old dreams.

I understand that all/most parents feel this way about one thing or another or a whole host of things. I know that I don't have to let go of all my dreams and plans. I'm still plugging away at school and planning things and dreading things that have nothing to do with my kids. But it hurts my heart a little bit every time some of my friends talk about the young adult group they've started. "Wait! I'm supposed to be doing that!" "Can I help you?" I wonder if I read my calling all wrong (the old one) and I'm actually not good at it and wasn't meant to do it. 

I have 8 year old twins. They just moved in a week and a half ago. Seth & I will be quite busy for a long time. They are my focus, at least for a while. They need us desperately. I worry that as I spend time focusing on them, I will get older and older and this dream I barely had time to water will die or its time will pass me by. 

Parents: can you tell me about new dreams you got for yourself after you had kids or old dreams that you got to still work on or go back to? Especially those of you who may have been surprised by your kids for one reason or another. 

This Kidless Mother's Day- the life of a foster/adoptive parent in waiting

Hi there. I'm telling you right now that I'm going to try to not make this a total downer, despite the title of this post. I think I'll get hopeful, but you  have to bear with me.

Other than goddaughters (who totally count, don't yell at me M & A), last year was the first time I had kids on mother's day, and it was pretty awesome. We had our two sweet girls, who were 4 & 1, and I was so happy. Sure, dear husband dropped the ball a bit on making it special, but I loved our little family.

About three months later, the 1yo moved out, and the rest of us were devastated. Yes, she went to a fabulous home and we still see her (not as often as we'd like) and we're very good friends with her (hopefully forever) parents, but it was and still is very hard. She wasn't talking when she was with us, but I have to tell you that it doesn't bum me out one bit that for all our efforts to get her to say "Aunt Robin," I get "momma" sometimes. She knows me as one of the people who fulfill that role for her.

Then on March 14th of this year, our big girl moved out after 15 months with us. Fear not-- we still see her fairly regularly, and her situation is good. Promise. But that doesn't make it hurt much less. She was over here the other day, and while I was standing in the kitchen doing something, she kind of sighed a little and said, "I love you, momma." As I think I've mentioned before, she's down with complicated families and having multiple moms & dads. More to love!

What you see pictured up above is part of my vision board. I've always been a big fan of cutting out pictures I like and I've covered my doors and walls in pictures even as an adult, but I never thought of it as anything more than silly fun. But a friend from church who is an artist teaches classes on creating vision boards, and I was able to go to a short one a couple weeks ago. We looked through magazines and cut out pictures that called to us. I had a lot of fun and brought a bunch of pictures home with me, but I didn't start putting it together until last night, and that's when it hit me: a vision board is a prayer in collage form. (If you need help with this concept, one place to look is Genesis 30:25-43.)

Even if there weren't some biblical support for the idea, it is still a good tool for clarity. When I was looking for pictures, there were some that spoke to me for far-off, fancy dreams, but many were simple things that almost made me cry when I found them. And the realization I had when gluing/praying in the wee hours of this morning was that, somehow, over the past two or three years, being a mom has become the desire of my heart. (I'm not going to explain what everything on it means, FYI.) Look at the kids I have there: I think there are 14 in that small section, and I have other pictures that I didn't put on there. I figured I had made the point. The fact that I just cut out the word "motherhood" is a big deal to me.

So I don't know how tomorrow (Mother's Day) is going to be for me. I haven't seen my little girl in over a month, and my big girl has been sick off & on for the past almost month, so I've only gotten 3 hours with her in the past three weeks. We're making decisions about adoption and we're feeling pulled in a few different directions without having much we see that we can really do about it. How about this: just don't ask me how I'm doing tomorrow, okay? You can hug me, but not for too long. I'm so very sick of crying this week. But I know that today or tomorrow is not the end of the story. I'm going to be a mom. It doesn't look like the journey my friends are on, but it's good for me & Seth. As you've already been told: I was made for this.

I swore I was never going to do this (Part 2).

As you may be able to pick up from the (Part 2) in the title, this is a continuation of a post from two days ago. Feel free to look at that if you haven't yet. Today I will get into more of the specifics of how Seth and I became foster parents and why we don't have biological children. Let's jump right into it, shall we?

Why don't we have biological children? We really didn't want them. Well, at least for most of our marriage. When we were engaged, I still wanted kids. Oh, did I. I was especially fond of toddler boys. Oof! I'd see a little man dressed in a plaid shirt and I'd whisper to Seth, "Take him!" (Clearly, I was joking. We're not kidnappers, y'all.) Then I started some nanny jobs, and I quickly got over my desire to have kids.

Believe me, I adore my now-goddaughters who I nannied back then, so this isn't about them being bad or difficult or anything. It was just that spending lots of time with them and the other kids I watched was so boring. And sure, there was the screaming in the car that made me very grateful that someone else was going to be in charge shortly, but there was also the knowledge that your life was no longer your own once you had kids. Good or bad, your lives are wrapped together. If your kid is depressed or messed up, so are you. I didn't want that, and Seth was always fine with whatever I wanted, so we went with that. And almost daily, we could look at kids being obnoxious or demanding and we'd look at each other and just say, "Reason #947 why we don't want kids."

So I got Norplant the year after we were married, and when the five years of that was up, Seth got a vasectomy. See? We were serious. The only reason we didn't do the vasectomy earlier is because we knew that doctors would give us a hard time or flat-out refuse since we were so young and didn't have any kids yet. We had thought long and hard about it, and we did. not. want.

Many people were concerned that we might change our minds and someone who will remain nameless even wondered if I was being fair to Seth, because what if I died and he wanted kids with his new wife? It was so lovely to talk to one woman who had never had kids, who when I said, "But everyone says I'm going to change my mind when I'm 35," just matter-of-factly answered, "Then you change your mind." It was not the end of the world.

Jump ahead some years, and as predicted, my ovaries started twitching at 35. I started having baby dreams, including one that I now think may have been about my niece. In that one, I was playing with a fabulous, blond, 1 year old girl. We were just having the greatest time kissing and laughing, and when I woke up, I missed her. I was sad all day. Another found me arguing with my cousin over babies found in little dirt piles on the sides of hills, as if they had been planted. A third dream, which was so clearly about adoption or foster care, was one where I was going down a road (through redwoods, I remember), and there was a man on the side of the road with his 3 or 4 year old daughter, and their car wasn't working or something. I stopped, went back to them, and said, "I'll take care of her."

We had always talked about adoption, but I was never going to do foster care. I did not need my heart being trampled upon like that. No, sir. But I know now that I was made for this. As hard and crappy as it has been, this calling is the most clear thing ever in my life. Believe, me, I'm often tempted to quit. The first five days we had our first placement, I felt nothing, she was difficult, and I wanted our old life back. When kids keep leaving, I want to say, "Screw this. I'll get a job, we won't have kids, and we'll travel and have money." And then I go by the children's group home and see a couple boys out playing basketball and I immediately think, "Do you want to come live with us?" Or I remember the day I was looking over a website with available kids (I call it petfinder for kids and I kind of hate it.), most of whom were older and/or handicapped, and I wept and told God that we'd do this, even if we didn't want to.

We weren't just pushed out of the nest, but I often say that God pushed us off a cliff. With many people around us adopting, the thought was popping up more and more, with Seth even saying, "Well, we'll probably be foster parents eventually," and me yelling at him, "Why would you say that? We don't want kids!" Watching the news after the earthquake in Haiti, I thought, "Okay. Send me one of those toddlers," (obviously not knowing that some people were totally exploiting the situation and taking kids.). We put that on the back burner though, because we lived in a one bedroom apartment and didn't have the money to move. But then a family situation arose and we thought we may be adopting someone, so we dove right into foster care classes and the licensing process.

I have a few posts already written from that stressful time period. Suddenly, my life was totally different and I wanted kids. I cried and felt like I was very much in a desert place with my faith and life because we were waiting on so many things to happen before we could just freaking get kids in our house.

It's scary every time a new kid comes to our house. We have adored and wanted to keep every kid that has lived with us. I've thought 5 different kids were going to be mine forever, and they're not. They'll always be my kids, but I won't see all of them and be their mommy every day. Our hearts were completely ripped out last summer when we were unable to keep the 1yo girl who lived with us, partially by our choice. Our fabulous 5yo daughter who lived with us for 15 months moved back in with her mom two weeks ago, and that's awesome. We hung out with her today, and she's still calling us momma & daddy. She's down with having a big, complicated family. In fact, next Saturday we're going to the 2nd birthday party of the girly who lived with us last summer, because they'll always be sisters.

I really hope that some of you are reading this and realizing that you could totally do this. Oh, it sucks. Believe me. But it's important. And we know how much you all support us. We have amazing friends and family and we appreciate all of your encouragement and prayers and rolling with making another new kid feel like part of the family.

If you can, please donate whatever you can to the Redwood Empire Foster Parent Association. This money makes it possible that every kid comes into our home with a big duffel bag of new clothes, a hand-made blanket, some jammies, books, and toys that are just for them. That way, I won't have to put any more two year olds to bed in one of my t-shirts on her first night in a scary place. ;)

http://www.humanracenow.org/goto/odundore

It's Banned Books Week!

I was going to write a post about a banned book that has affected me or meant a lot to me, and there are plenty of them out there. But as I perused the lists of books that have been challenged over the years, I just kept getting so mad/annoyed/headdesky.

Looking at the top 100 books challenged in the 90's & 2000's, I've read a handful on each list, and some are books I truly love, some don't interest me, and many make me shake my head. And Tango Makes Three is a 7 year old book about the cute, true story of two male penguins who tried to hatch a rock and were given an egg to care for, which eventually hatched into their "daughter." You can go visit them all today, if you like.
It's not a mystery as to why some people would get their panties in a knot about this, but seriously, have you seen the kid's section of a library lately? Do you know how many picture books are there? It's not like there are 3 books the kids can choose from so someone always gets stuck with the gay penguins. I'm certain that there are people, likely without kids, who search library catalogs for books they don't like, then lodge complaints to fill their free time. Yep, the Lord's work, clearly.

Harry Potter and The Hunger Games are obviously challenged, because who wants kids to actually read and get sucked into engaging stories? I know, I know, Hogwarts is evil and the world is now beset with roaming gangs of Satan-worshipping youngsters who accio your soul and wallet with you being none the wiser. It's a battle we all must fight.

I'm joking around because it's all so ridiculous, but it's also sad. Many of the challenged/banned books aren't even children's or YA books; they're for adults. Though I don't agree, I can understand the "we must protect the children!" line of reasoning, but why would you not want other adults to be able to read what they want? Especially as some of the books are challenged for "religious viewpoint," I wonder what, exactly, people are afraid of. Is your faith so weak that you're worried that if someone even reads a book from a non-Christian point of view that the world will end?

I know: it's about their souls. You're worried for them. And I get it. Stories are powerful and they can change lives. Harry Potter has added value to my life and I'm certain it has inspired and changed many people who have read it. Reading, hearing, or watching a compelling story about something you may not have thought of before can completely open  your eyes to new things and can change the direction of your life. But isn't that one of the most amazing and beautiful things about human beings and our lives?

We are all stories and we're part of a million other stories. I believe that we're part of the story God is telling about his love for the world and how he wants to be with people. Some people may not believe that, and that's okay. My job is not to stop them from telling or reading their stories, but to live a life of love that invites others to both share and hear, and we'll both be changed.

No, I'm not dead.

I am surprised that I've gone 23 days without blogging, but I don't feel guilty.

Yes, I wanted to embrace the everyday blogging thing, but I have so much going on right now that I doing my best to prune and say "no" to as much as possible.  Apparently, feeling like I need to blog regularly is one of the things that was pruned.

Life is interesting, which is some kind of Chinese curse, right?  I kid.  We're just busy packing a bit at a time, looking for houses, and generally trying to stay calm.  Last week, we were both so blue & frustrated with the house search thing that we just had to take a couple days off from it. 

The reason all of this is happening right now is because of kids.  We want to get a place ASAP so that we can get licensed for foster care & adoption and get a kid within the first couple months of 2011.  That's the goal. 

We're working on trusting God completely with that one.  Sometimes it feels like a faith tug-of-war.  Go this way.  No! Wait!  This way.  Do this.  Now wait.  Go do this now!

This very moment, I'm having a "what's the point?" kind of moment.  I'm breathing and praying and asking God to keep talking to me and changing me in the amazing ways he's been doing this past month or two.  I don't want to confuse stepping out in faith with freaking out and trying to make things happen.  I don't want to confuse trusting God with the details with giving up and being lazy. 

I know that amazing things are happening.  I know that God is working things out in ways we cannot see.  I just have to keep reminding myself.

I told you I'd be back today.

Today has been a fantabulous day, I tell you.  After getting the book from my friend, I decided to have a quiet day of cleaning and reading.  It was great.  I've read both the new book and the vampyre book, and I packed a few boxes, cleaned the kitchen & bathroom AND mopped.  AND went running with a friend AND made dinner- including a side salad.  Look at me go! 

This book, bittersweet, is really good.  It's very small chapters describing tiny pieces of her year/year and a half of brokenness.  She sees the times when she focused on the wrong thing and, like Lewis's house of cards, she realizes that her faith was never really there.  All she ever wanted was to get what she wanted, not to be molded by God. 

As I go through this tumultuous time in my life, I'm pleased to see that I'm not quite in the same place she was.  I do trust God and want to float on his waves more than I want to fight them.  This book is speaking to my heart, but it's also helping me to stand up and claim that vibrant faith I've been praying about.  I know that everything in my life right now is very good, so I need to stop moping. 

One of the most powerful chapters so far is one in which she addresses the poisonous command she once gave herself:  DO EVERYTHING BETTER.  She took each word apart and realized how she was (and many of us do) beating herself down with them.  I was happy when I realized that this was my own book and I could write in it.  I starred this section:

There is work that is only mine to do:  a child that is ours to raise, stories that are mine to tell, friends that are mine to walk with.  The grandest seduction of all is the myth that DOING EVERYTHING BETTER gets us where we want to be.  It gets us somewhere, certainly, but not anywhere worth being.

 I really love what she says are her jobs.  I love it.  I love the idea of fully inhabiting your life and seeing all parts of it as a unique vocation- not comparing yourself to others because they cannot do what you are supposed to do.  

Apartment ads

Today I've done a little bit of what I'm calling "homework," which is fleshing out my project so that I can actually teach it in a couple weeks.  So I'm skimming through real sex by Lauren Winner & making my 1st powerpoint.  I got my grade back on the project, and I got an A-, which is good.  I didn't know if I had enough detail in it.  My professor gave me a few notes, and I've integrated some of them into the outline already. 

Other than that, Seth & I looked at ads for apartments and houses and drove around a bit.  We talked to people at 2 different complexes, neither of which will work for us.  We looked again at the apartment our landlord has, and we still don't think it will work.  We did write to one person who had a very nice-looking ad on craigslist, so we'll see if we hear from them. 

It's hard for me not to get frustrated & just want to quit life & take a long nap to avoid everything.  I know we've just started looking, and I can't expect everything to fall into place already. 

It's mustard seed time!

Vague is how I roll. Feel free to not read this entry.

Apparently, being up past my bedtime makes me a bit maudlin.  Perhaps I should finish the wine in the fridge to truly make it a banner evening.

Big changes are afoot, but what is difficult is that the catalyst for the afoot-ing isn't definite.  But we still need to invest in it quite seriously.  One day, I decide that life can go on, at least semi-normally, for the time being, then the next I get information leading me to believe that all must be turned upside-down ASAP.  And I feel like God is sending mixed messages.  Like he's thrown open a bunch of doors at once, and I'm supposed to go through all of them.  Or I've gotten a fair way down a certain path that I believe he's directing, and then there's this fork.  It's an important fork.  Maybe I need to go that way.  But leave all the other stuff? 

Maybe they'll meet up again.  Maybe I don't have to give up anything. 

I don't want to let go.  But I can only handle so many pressures.  I'm not real good at it.  Were I to let go of one commitment, it would both break my heart and not make a lot of sense to me.  But I don't see what else I can change. 

2011 is going to be the most different year ever. 

haunted

I may have mentioned this before, but we really want kids now.  Maybe I should take out the "really," because it comes and goes.  Today is a pro-kids day.  I see the assorted "First Day of School" pics on facebook, and while some don't do anything to me, others tug at me.  I looked at a family picture of a friend from high school, and in it, one of her three kids is kind of giving her a goofy look, and he's so cute and her husband is holding a baby and her older daughter is laughing and I just want that.  I wish I would have wanted it before or knew I'd want it now.

And then there are the days, like today, where I wake up from a baby/kid dream, and she (it's almost always a "she") haunts me all day.  One time it was a baby girl, but she was kind of big, and I was blowing on her cheeks and she was laughing and we were having such a good time.  I missed her all day.

Today, it was a little girl, probably 2, I think Hispanic, but maybe Arabic.  She is short and brown, with curly, dark hair.  In my dream, she was in a car with her dad, and he was waiting for someone to come watch her.  I looked at her for a bit, walked away, then walked back.  I sort of reached for her and said, "I'll watch her."  It wasn't much, but it was powerful.  I didn't think about her a lot throughout the day- just a time here or there, but then tonight, on the way home from the gym, I just really wanted her.  And I cried on my way home, and I'm crying now.  But it's late, and maybe I'm just tired.  But I don't like these days when I want kids so much and I can't do anything about it.  I just have to trust God and his timing.  And tomorrow, I may feel totally different and think that we'd be great continuing to not have kids.  I will admit, though, that the pro-kid days are multiplying.

It feels a little like this.

Not so bad

Today I read A Severe Mercy and it was nowhere near as bad as I thought.  See, based upon what I had heard about it and then after reading The Problem of Pain, I was starting to be afraid that Seth and I have been entirely too happy, so God is going to kill one of us or throw some horrendous hardship into our lives in order to strengthen our faith.  I don't know.  I realize that these aren't entirely new thoughts.  Sometimes, when I think about how great my life is, I get nervous, so I think about the list of things that have been hard or wrong or trying in my life, just to make sure they're there and I am not too happy.  It's messed up, I know. 

I thought it was done, but I guess that trusting God truly and knowing that he doesn't play mind games takes time.  As I'm writing this, I realize that this "too happy" nonsense had taken the place of the previous ingrained fear of "don't tell God what  you don't want to do, or he'll be sure to set you right on that course!"  You know, the old stories you'd hear about a man saying, "God, I'll do anything for you, just don't send me to Africa!"  And, of course, after kicking and screaming, the man finally goes to Africa, like God wanted him to, and all is great.  The is the kind of spiritual manipulation I grew up with!  I know I'm not the only one. 

So, the book wasn't all that bad.  I guess in my mind-games land, I saw that the couple in the book were actually quite obsessed with one another and worshiped their love.  We don't do that.  I don't know.  There are still things floating around in my head.  Once again, I'll let you know if I come up with anything concrete.

Prostitutes as Metaphors

I'm teaching at the young adult group on Sunday (actually, the next 3 Sundays, I think), and I'm starting out teaching on the book of Hosea.  For the summer we are having a focus on story, while also trying to draw together the Old and New Testaments, since not everyone understands their cohesion.

Hosea is about the prophet (Hosea), who is told by God to marry, well, a ho.  Some translations say, "a woman of whoredom."  (Best word ever?  Likely.  Whoredom.  Work it into your conversations, if you can.)  Anyway, God tells Hosea to marry this woman and raise another man's (men's? possibly) children.  It's a bit heartbreaking, and Hosea has to go and buy back his wife, I think more than once.  God did this as a representation of what the nation of Israel had done in it's relationship with him.  They had turned from their covenant with him and turned to worship other gods, basically whoring themselves out to whoever they thought would serve their purposes best.

The thing is, it isn't just about the old nation of Israel.  It's about all of us.  We're all dirty whores who look for security wherever we think it can be found, trying this and that, worshiping our own desires instead of trusting God and remaining faithful, even when we can't see what he's doing.

And the great thing is that, even though there is a covenant and rules and God always threatened to destroy Israel, his abiding patience and desire to be with them/us overcame his anger.  There was always, "But if you'll turn to me and obey my commands," and other conditions like that.   And Jesus did all the buying back that we need.  That's the best part.  "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8.  

He loves us in our whoredom, in our filth, in our stank.  He adores us and wants us and already bought us back from sin.  We have to choose to stay.  

Why I give things up for Lent

I'm not Catholic, or part of a denomination that follows a liturgical calendar or celebrates Lent, but I've been making my token sacrifice during this season for about 16 years.

I don't remember exactly why I started, but I'm sure I was influenced by more exposure to Catholicism through people in college, including one Catholic best friend, and two other best friends converting with their families away from the good, old Assemblies of God.  I was raised semi-Pentecostal by my family, then attended AofG churches & school from 7th-12th grades, attending AofG church into college.  Seth & I even got married in an AofG church.

I saw later in life, while teaching at my alma mater, that though I didn't realize while it was being done, I was certainly given an anti-Catholic POV at my school.  I remember being quite worried about my friends who were going to catholic churches-- I might as well have called them papists like some Elizabethan snob.  I was afraid that they were praying to saints and relying on works to save them, that they wouldn't still pray and know God, and that Jesus would lose stature in their hearts.

The school I attended was a bit crazy.  Have you seen the movie Jesus Camp?  That isn't too terribly off the mark, though we were decidedly less militaristic.  Mix Jesus Camp  with a healthy dose of Saved and you've hit it right on the head.  Every year, we had Spiritual Emphasis Week, which meant that we had chapel every day, sometimes with a semi-special guest speaker, and all were expected to raise their hands, go to the front, or whatever.  Though I was one of the students who was actually into it, I also had no qualms at all about helping to stir up emotion so that chapel ran really long and we could miss more classes.  I was a good kid, and the ones who had attitudes and didn't raise their hands to say that they wanted to be on fire for Jesus were the bad kids.

When I asked one friend about why she liked the Catholic church better, she said that it was because there was order and reverence, and that it wasn't a circus.  I could partially see that, but I still thought she was just hard-hearted towards the moving of the Spirit.

But all of this must have been sinking in and growing in me even then, because I started giving things up for Lent my sophomore year of college.  I must have already noticed the lack of traditions that we have in Protestantism, and it made me sad.  I remember my mom chuckling at me that first year, saying that I had made my own little religion, picking and choosing from different ones.  Nowadays, that comment would get me shouted down as a tolerant, "ecumenical" (yuck!), relativistically-minded weakling who isn't really a Christian.  It's something that makes me proud, though.*  I was in college, meeting new people-including many Muslims, learning new things, and I was searching for ways to make my faith my own. 

And I still find God's truth all over the place.  I surely don't have it cornered & labeled.  I will happily pluck the truth that I see and add it to my prismatic view of God, especially when it comes from other Christian brothers and sisters.  That's a no-brainer.

Protestants got rid of the sacraments other than baptism and communion (which we don't even do that often), and severed ties with almost all of church history and tradition, as if we/they had invented Christianity out of whole cloth in the 16th century.  I understand that there were course corrections to be made, but it's a classic case of baby/bathwater.

So I do my best to sacrifice a little bit for Lent.  Out of a sense of tradition and unity, and also because I do think it draws me closer to Jesus.  I don't think my salvation depends upon it, and I don't think God cares a lot, other than the fact that we have a relationship and I made a promise.  I remember his sacrifices, and I attempt to die a little to myself more than I normally would.  When I desire the thing I gave up, I learn to live without it and I talk to him.  A little deprivation isn't going to kill most Americans. 

*"You seem to be very broad-minded in your opinions, Miss Shirley."  "That's the nicest compliment anyone's ever paid me, Mrs. Harris." 

Apparently, I'm Stressed

Gah.  I don't know.  Seth first pointed it out because last Sunday, when I was supposed to teach at the young adult group at church, I got painful back spasms. 

"Maybe it's stress."
"But I'm not stressed!  I don't feel stressed!"

The spasms went away that evening, and they haven't come back.  Tonight, though, I'm very aware of a knot in the same spot.  I'm teaching this Sunday.  Now, I do have a messed up back.  But I'm starting to be suspicious. 

There's other evidence:  I had a tension headache on Thursday.  Right across my forehead; made me all frowny. 

For a few days, I've been aware of the wire-taut tension in my body. 

Now, it's not just the teaching, which I swear to you, I'm nervous about, but not stressed.  I also have my class, and we're going through the process of getting our money in order.  So my mind is constantly going going going going going.  My mom was in the hospital for a few days, I've done some additional volunteering where I was needed, two, if not all three, of my sisters are dealing with some heavy crap right now, and I miss my goddaughters.

I need to do this. I need to do that. Clean, study, work out, run, read your Bible, call that person back, hang out with that person, put away laundry, make dinner, write a paper, do research, teach, lead, budget, go go go go go go go.

I go through this every year, now that I think about it.  Not really sure how I get past it every time, but I know that I do.  The thing is, all of the pressure and stress I'm feeling is self-created. 

Ahhhh...I realize now.  I've regressed to that old way of doing things:  God put this all in my path, these are all good things, so I need to just suck it up, put my head down, and barrel through this. 

No. Nope. No. 

I am not designed to handle everything on my own.  As a human being made in God's image, I am designed for community and inter-dependency.  I am part of the dance of perichoresis, with I in him and he in me and them in us, etc.  When I learned about perichoresis, (see John 17), I pictured it as a triple-helix, like Trinity DNA.  And we enter into that.  We are one as he is one.   It can feel sort of trippy & new agey, if you let it, but it's all there. 

I suppose my application step now is to embrace the cliché:  Let go & let God. 

I'm not betraying God by feeling busy or overwhelmed.  I'm right on target.  I need to ask for help from him and from others.  I need to not try to keep everything in line and prove that I can handle it.  I can't.  That's good.  I don't want to.


Can I just say that I love it when a post starts out totally whiny and pointless but then gets all deep? 

A Self-Righteous Thought You Have to Deal With

I'm very glad that my faith isn't based on who I'm against.

I don't want Christianity to be about Us vs. Them, even though it's so very easy to get caught up in that. I find myself creeping (or running full-tilt) into Us vs Them with other Christians, and I have to constantly repent and correct my course.

But our command is to love God with everything in us and to love other people as much as we love ourselves. That means that we care about their feelings and opinions and that we want to protect people as much as is possible. Our needs aren't supposed to come first at all. We are supposed to be respectful and get along with people. Why are so many Christians not doing this? It really hurts my heart. A lot.

Could I be missing the boat sometimes or "soft on sin"? I'm certain that I am, but I also know that other than the moments when my head wants to explode from the hard-headed things I see Christians do (read: post on facebook), I don't live my life afraid and angry like many of them do, and I'm going to take that as a sign from the Holy Spirit.

Galatians 5:22-23 (New International Version)

22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Again, I'm really afraid of being smug or self-righteous. I'm just trying to express myself and in that expression, check myself and clarify my thoughts. I want to believe what's right. It's kind of like I'm talking it out with you. Feel free to correct me in love, as long as you're willing to listen, too, and possibly be changed.

Acts 2 & Communal Living- A Rule for Us?

Here is the text for the mini-sermon that I gave in class last week. I've tried to tweak it a bit to make it more true to what I said in class, because I didn't just read it, but I still want it to make sense & flow here. And yes, the fonts are a little wacky.

One of the topics which comes up whenever people talk about the early church is the matter of communal living. Acts 2 ends with this :

All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

What strikes me in reading this is the joy that radiates from the words. The picture is one of a happy, joyful group of people who enjoy being together and love one another. We also see this in chapter 4:

All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had. There were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles’ feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need.

Right after this, when Barnabas is singled out as an example of one who sold land and gave the money to the apostles, Luke seems to be giving a glowing recommendation of that behavior.

The way many people ask about this is with the question “Is itprescriptive or descriptive?" Last week, Shawn actually mentioned the Beatitudes, and asked whether those are descriptive or prescriptive, which is something I’ve struggled with a lot in the past.

Maybe I’m just slow, but I always read them and thought they were a prescriptive list of how I’m supposed to be if I want to be a good Christian. Some made perfect sense- when I mourn, I’ll be comforted. Easy. More perplexing were the ones like, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” What does that even mean? Am I supposed to be unhappy or I won’t get heaven? How much is enough hungering and thirsting for righteousness? The one that stressed me out the most was always, “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.” Meek is not a word that many would use to describe me, and I was worried that God wanted me to change my whole personality to make him more happy; to serve him better.

What I finally realized is that the Beatitudes- heck, the Bible- they aren't about ME. It's all about God. The Beatitudes are Jesus describing what God is like; what he does. God does comfort those who mourn, he lets the meek inherit big, he fills those who hunger for him, and he shows mercy to the merciful.

Is this an exhaustive list of those who are blessed? No, but it does show us what God is like. Do I need to get to pry all boldness out of my personality so that I can inherit the earth? No, but I can be open to times when my boldness may not be the Lord’s boldness and I should try being meek. Am I feeling empty and alone? I’m probably hungering and thirsting for the wrong things. If I want mercy shown to me, I need to be merciful. It’s how God works.

Which brings us back to the early church. Was their selling of property and living together prescriptive? No, because we see in Acts 5 and the story of Ananias & Sapphira that they had a choice in the matter. In Verse 4, Peter tells Ananais this about the land and the money: Didn’t it belong to you before it was sold? And after it was sold, wasn’t the money at your disposal? They were not required to sell their land. After selling, they still could have changed their minds and kept the money, even then. They could have decided that they were going to keep half and give half to the church, and that would have been fine, too.

So, if it’s not a rule, then we’re being told what the church was like. It’s descriptive- we don’t have to do it.

But looking at the church in Acts, we can’t separate out the verses about their views on life from the ones that talk about what God was doing in their midst. They’re embedded right in there, like 4:33, where the Apostles were testifying and “much grace was upon them all.” In chapter 2, they were gaining favor with the people and people were coming to know Jesus every day.

God has frequently been bringing these concepts up to me lately- poverty, possessions, “my” money, community. I recently heard Dave Gibbons, pastor of NewSong in Irvine, speak, and he said that one of the steps to take if you want a revolution is communal living. Consider sharing a home, or at least living in the same neighborhood or on the same street with other believers. Have open doors to your neighbors. Do life together. Our faith is not lived out alone- we all know that we are made for community – most of the New Testament talks about how we are to interact and live out our faith with one another. Are we so attached to what is ours that we’re not providing where we could and that we’re not being sacrificial or community-oriented at all?

Ananias and Sapphira wanted to look pious while not actually being generous, and they thought they could fool God. I think that, sadly, that is how many of our churches can be described in America.

My desire is that you think, pray and remain open to what God might want to change and be more supportive of in our ways and our churches. If the awesome things we see in Acts are simply a description of what the early church was doing, fine. But how would Luke or someone in your neighborhood describe you and your church?

I’d like to take the middle line here and say that it’s both. For our times, let’s think of it like a doctor prescribing medicine so that we can get well. Are you helping to affect lives? Is your church changing your city? Maybe it is- great. Are you obsessed with your possessions, your house, the money that you earn? Perhaps some aspect of communal living is the prescription you need to look into, to move outside of your comfort zone, so that you can be described more like what we see in Acts.

I Quit!

I'm done trying to quantify, categorize, and define God. Lately, almost every time I try to make a definitive statement about "God does X" or "God isn't Y" or even "I believe that God..." I realize that I also believe a contradictory statement. And the beauty is that, as a good post-modern, I can live with that. I hate labels and boxes, but they're so hard to resist.

But ever since I watched Rob Bell's Everything Is Spiritual (I highly recommend it), I've been wrestling with the Both/And aspects of God. I've been focusing on balance for a long time now- almost 7 years- and that helps with a lot of things, but that was primarily about personal behavior and what God wants from us. This Both/And thing is about Who God Is.

I often find myself arguing in my head with Christians that I disagree with. I think, "But God is love and you're trying to make him hateful!" Or I get mad at people who focus too much on following rules or acting a specific way to please God. I think that I have it all figured out and that the way that I see God is the better way, the truer way. But maybe God is Both. And. He wants us to love one another silly and be forgiving and trusting and generous, but he also wants us to obey him and stop sinning and focus on fearing him once in a while. Or at the same time.

"I don't believe" that everything that happens is God's will. I believe that we have free will and that Satan is in charge of a lot down here, or we are. "I believe" that God's kingdom breaks in from time to time either through our actions- it's what we're supposed to be doing- or through his deciding to act in a clearly visible way. But I also believe that God is in charge of my life, if I let him do so. I believe that God is bigger than the economy and I don't have to worry because I'll always be taken care of, even if it's not in the way that I expect.

So, am I a hopelessly confused hypocrite? I don't think so. I think that God can be both of these things. I believe more and more in the mysterious nature of God and that he is fully capable of being two apparently (to humans) contradictory things at the same time. I believe that he acts in our lives and cares about everything we do and also that some things just happen because that's the way the world works. Which is which and why? I don't know. Maybe that's a cop-out.

No matter the doubts and questions I have, I do believe that I know God, or a part of him. So my human self has to try to make sense of things, even while attempting to let go of making sense of everything.


From Ch. 5 of Alice in Wonderland

`I ca'n't believe that!' said Alice.

`Ca'n't you?' the Queen said in a pitying tone. `Try again: draw a long breath, and shut your eyes.'

Alice laughed. `There's no use trying,' she said `one ca'n't believe impossible things.'

`I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. `When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.

Politics: Okay, the gloves are off! (you've been warned)

This post is not going to be super well-thought out, balanced, or probably even grammatical. This is an unloading of things I've mostly kept in for the past 10 months or so.

Your caveats: I am not a political junkie. I never have kept close tabs on what's going on. This past presidential election was the first time I really paid a lot of attention, though I always do research and have voted since I was 18. I don't subscribe to one party or another's entire philosophy; in fact, I avoid labels whenever possible. I go to fact checking websites from time to time if a particularly whacked-out statement is made and whether it is true would affect me. I get my news primarily from The Colbert Report, The Daily Show, msnbc.com, and NPR. Not a lot of range there.

You know why I don't watch Fox News? Because, from what I see, they're freaking ignorant nutjobs. Sure, I mostly see clips that are being made fun of, but I've watched enough reality tv to know that you can't paint a picture that isn't there. When I consistently see you making dumb statements, I'm going to go ahead and believe that you're dumb.

I'm a Christian (there's my label). And I voted for Obama enthusiastically and in good conscience. I am not AT ALL the only Christian who voted for Obama. I am one of the many who saw that our country was being trashed by Bush/Cheney. I voted for Bush once. He is a Christian, and since I was raised to think Republican, I always thought of him as part of the family. Though I didn't agree with him on many things, for a long time my knee-jerk reaction would be to support him because...well, it's kind of like how you can make fun of your family or complain, but your friends or husband aren't allowed to. So, for a long time, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Over the last year or so, though, I just couldn't do it anymore. War. Torture. Environment. Business. Ugh. I seriously have to not think about it too much or I'll start crying.

Do I like Senator Obama's record on abortion? Not at all. There are some things that bug me there. President Obama hasn't done much to worry me, though. What's that? You mention the repealing of the gag order on overseas NGOs so that they can talk about abortion now? Or were you going to phrase it, "organizations that promote abortion" or "force" or something? It's a rule that has been going back and forth between presidents since Reagan. You know what REALLY ticks me off? That many Christians got all up in arms about that and posted that all over the place, but didn't even care that what really was his first act was stopping torture. That makes me a little sick. And, do tell, what did Bush do about abortion in his 8 years in office? Hmmm?

I believe that many Christians have been sold on the idea that all Republican issues=Christian issues. It's just not true. Why do you think that Jesus has an opinion on Big Business or wants to be sure you can carry a gun? Why do you think that it's okay to torture someone for the possibility of information? If we don't have to follow any rules, then there really needn't be any. We cannot talk tough on people cutting off the heads of Americans when we also think we can do whatever we want.

Someone tried to tell me that God cares about what is fair and people getting what they deserve. No. He does not. The entire premise of the Gospel is that we do NOT get what we deserve, hallelujah! We deserve death and misery, but we get freedom & heaven. Spiritual freedom. The affairs of this world don't have to enslave us or dictate our attitudes and actions. We have a different purpose, one that is not served by being divisive, screeching, self-righteous harpies.

Look at the parable of the vineyard owner (Matthew 20). He hired people in the morning at an agreed upon wage. Later that day, he hired some more people at the same wage. In the end, the people hired in the morning were ticked off that the later people got the same pay, even though they had agreed upon that as a fair wage to begin with. Yes, God takes care of us and loves us, is a great father, and gives us good things, but his definitions of "fair" and "good" are not the same as ours.

What else is clear in the Bible is that we are supposed to take care of the poor, the widows, the orphans, the aliens in our land. We are supposed to care for people at all stages of their life, not just the inception stage. Yes, churches do a GREAT job at this, much better than the government does, something that many in the media need to recognize more. But the Republican POV is very self-righteous and seems hateful. They do not appear to want to take care of anyone but themselves.

I need to wrap this up. Is President Obama a socialist. OMG. No. But you know what? I don't really care. Would I write and speak up about things that really bug me? Yes. But the system we're under or who owns GM or whatever does not affect my life as much as some people seem to think. I have other things to think about and worry about and get upset about. Calm down. Please. And stop looking down on and trying to figure out people who voted for the President. He won. You lost. Deal with it.

I will now say something good about President Bush: he did great things for Africa and combatting AIDS there and almost NOBODY noticed.

coming up soon: I tackle Prop 8. (no, really. I'm going to.)

ETA: Yes, Bush signed the partial-birth abortion ban in 2003. Thank you, Mel. I had something else more calm to say. Oh- I'm not normally like this. I agree to disagree & try to stay civil. This is just something that has been bubbling and burning for a while, and it was set off this morning by someone from H.S. making a judgmental statement about Obama supporters on facebook. I also add that any kinship or agreement I may have with some conservatives is driven away by their attitudes.

Still not a fan

Hooray! More death to talk about!

I found out today that a girl from high school (one year ahead of me) died from breast cancer. She leaves her 5 children behind.

I don't know her anymore, but I used to. I knew her when she was young, and that's all I can picture. And now she's gone. I can see her senior picture in my mind, and I just want to cry my eyes out. She was one of the popular girls, but was always very kind, too. Smart, pretty, etc. I'm just so sad and find it hard to wrap my mind around it.

I also hear rumors of a skewed vision of faith and lack of trust in reality. I don't know if they're true, but I still pray for the hearts of her family and friends. I want them to be comforted in this crappy time that makes little sense. I don't want people who don't know Jesus to think that any time a Christian hoping for healing dies, that means God isn't there or doesn't listen.

Faith doesn't mean we always get what we want. True faith trusts that God knows what is happening and that he can use anything to his glory. Crap will happen. I seldom get it. But I know that God is real and I experience him, which outweighs my questions and doubts. I won't always get things that God allows, but I know that I certainly don't have a handle on what is best and I don't want to make God in my image of what he should and shouldn't be.

Long time, no see

Hello, bloggity-blog and the readers out there. Of course, the majority of you that come here are looking for a poster of "A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste." Of course, you fine folks won't even see this post, because you'll be taken to an older one where I had a link to said poster. Others of you are looking for Bible verses about sleep. Hopefully, you were taken directly to that post, too. If not, hi! Welcome.

I don't have lots of terribly deep things to say, but it's a downright crime that I haven't written in so long. So, as I sit here, avoiding reading for class and suffering the effects of eating ENTIRELY too many apple chips, I shall recap a bit of life.

As you my know, my sister and brother-in-law lost their daughter in January. That really sucked. I have realized that I haven't really gone through the mourning process before, because this hit me differently than I expected. I suppose that when my grandma died, she had been sick, and she was old-ish, so it wasn't as horrible. I was mighty sad, but there wasn't a lot of confusion or back and forth about it. Just the knowledge that death sucks.

But with Adi's death, it was different. It has hit me in ways that I still don't even realize-just this past Sunday, I was telling someone about what happened and I cried again. I'm sad that this little girl died and that she was sick, but I'm mostly sad for my sister & bro-i-l. I hate the pain that my sister went through, the fear that my bro-i-l had to face, the sadness that they feel in their souls and bodies.

I want it all to make sense. To work out. To be clear. I wanted to find the magic bullet answer in the Bible so I could tell her that THIS, James 17:8 (no such verse) or the theological construct of God's providence and blah-blah is what will make it align, make life (and God) look fair, and will make the sun shine. I actually was pretty desperate for that for a while. I read, I asked pastors and friends, and I prayed and cried. And this was all more than a month after she died.

I knew that grief was a roller-coaster, but I didn't think I was going to be on it. But mine is definitely a kiddie ride compared to my sister's. I've had to learn to step back and let them ride theirs, and that I can't control it. Every up or down isn't their final landing place. They'll get wherever "there" is, and God is with them, whether or not they always see him or hear him.

But we're all doing better now. Well, most of us. They're going to be okay. I'm not worried, at least not today. Pharmaceuticals and C.S. Lewis have helped a lot.

This is from A Grief Observed, and it blew me away:

God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn’t. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. He only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.

So, I guess I got deep after all. I'll write about Twilight next time.