Thursday, August 26, 2010

haunted

I may have mentioned this before, but we really want kids now.  Maybe I should take out the "really," because it comes and goes.  Today is a pro-kids day.  I see the assorted "First Day of School" pics on facebook, and while some don't do anything to me, others tug at me.  I looked at a family picture of a friend from high school, and in it, one of her three kids is kind of giving her a goofy look, and he's so cute and her husband is holding a baby and her older daughter is laughing and I just want that.  I wish I would have wanted it before or knew I'd want it now.

And then there are the days, like today, where I wake up from a baby/kid dream, and she (it's almost always a "she") haunts me all day.  One time it was a baby girl, but she was kind of big, and I was blowing on her cheeks and she was laughing and we were having such a good time.  I missed her all day.

Today, it was a little girl, probably 2, I think Hispanic, but maybe Arabic.  She is short and brown, with curly, dark hair.  In my dream, she was in a car with her dad, and he was waiting for someone to come watch her.  I looked at her for a bit, walked away, then walked back.  I sort of reached for her and said, "I'll watch her."  It wasn't much, but it was powerful.  I didn't think about her a lot throughout the day- just a time here or there, but then tonight, on the way home from the gym, I just really wanted her.  And I cried on my way home, and I'm crying now.  But it's late, and maybe I'm just tired.  But I don't like these days when I want kids so much and I can't do anything about it.  I just have to trust God and his timing.  And tomorrow, I may feel totally different and think that we'd be great continuing to not have kids.  I will admit, though, that the pro-kid days are multiplying.


It feels a little like this.

3 comments:

Ang said...

I've wracked my brain to think of something meaningful to reply, but our experiences with wanting kids, considering adoption, etc. isn't the same journey that you & Seth are walking.

We were serious about adopting back in '03/'04; we were at the point of reviewing birthparent profiles and sending our "album" for preview by them. We stopped pursuing it when #3 came into the picture, but hindsight from the past year and a half has shown me that God was preparing our hearts back then for something that we never, ever could have imagined six or seven years ago.

I know you know that adoption isn't something to pursue on a whim (not saying that you are), but I also think that whether you are considering biological kids or adoption, there's never a "perfect" time, so don't hold off for that reason alone.

Robeena said...

Oh, we're not "holding off." It's just that we simply cannot move on it until we have a bigger place. We only have 1 bedroom. Sooooo...we wait. For a while, I started freaking out & trying to find a house for us to buy, but then we realized that it's just not time yet. So, we wait.

Ang said...

You could move back to TX where housing prices are lower. ;) Love you!