Monday, January 31, 2005

Coughing and coughing, but sleeping

Well, I see that it's been a long while. I've been sick, but that has helped me to sleep.
I've only been up past midnight once or twice, and that was by choice, so that's cool.

Twice now on my trips to urgent care, I have had to see a cute doctor. Who needs this?
I sleep in as late as possible, call in to work, put on a headband and holey sweatshirt, and head to the doctor. I don't need Dr. Hotty Pants! I can take a little comfort in the notion that he is probably gay and, therefore, cares even less for me and my physical appearance than he would otherwise, but I blush like a stinkin' schoolgirl when he comes into the room and that just is uncalled-for.
I am a grown, married woman!

Work isn't quite so hateful. My schedule is better and I know that my goal now is just to get out of there once I find something I love (actually, I'm on a quest for my true calling, but more on that another day), but I'm not going crazy anymore.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Achy and Awake

I tried to quit my job last week, but my boss was all, "Wait, wait! Let's talk!" So I still have a job. Which is good, financially, but I really wanted to sleep! And now I'm sick and need to go to the doctor or at least stay home, but I feel like I can't call in because I called in so much last year out of hatred and exhaustion.
I really feel like poop.

I'm going to start seeing a life coach, so that's cool. I met with her once, and it is someone I already know from church, so it should work out well.
She says that in 3 months we're going to figure out what my purpose/passion/goal is. Excellent. I'm tired of drifting and feeling like a loser.

I don't always feel like a loser, just sometimes. I want to quit my job so bad, but then I think, "Oh, but what if I have to get a job at Target and people see me." I know that is lame, but I also know that almost everyone thinks that way. The dumbest part is that when I think of "people" seeing me, it is people from high school. I DON'T CARE ABOUT PEOPLE FROM HIGH SCHOOL! I haven't seen anyone that I don't want to see in the 12 years since graduation.

Right now I want to keep my job because it is decent money and I need to get my teeth fixed and new dental insurance won't cover pre-existing missing teeth.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

TV Lust and Whatnot

So, some serious Josh Holloway lust going on. He's a bit too Kid Rock-looking on Lost, but still quite yummy.

The sleep has shifted a bit. The past few days I am so tired that I can go to bed early-ish, but I've been waking up.
I tried to quit my job and now they're working with me a bit on my schedule, so that should help. I am a little disappointed that I couldn't quit, though. Although it is irresponsible, I was REALLY looking forward to not working and just SLEEPING for a while! Oh well. Continued paychecks are the upside.

I have nothing deep or witty to add tonight. So, I shall stop writing.
I am meeting with a life coach tomorrow, so that should give me things to talk about. Yes, it sounds really dorky, but I'm desperate here. I have almost no idea at all what I want to do with my life. I feel like I'm sort of drifting. I know the person I'm seeing, so I think that it will help.

More on that later.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

New Year's Day at Work

My grandma died last month. Well, now it's almost been two months.
The dumbest things can bring it into my mind and it kills me.
It sounds melodramatic, but when I think about her I want to stab my heart out (why a spoon cousin?).
It's the second time in my life that I have specifically felt like the hurt was in my heart.
I was just looking up movie times for later today and I happened to see the theater where I went with her exactly once. Of course, it was the last time I went to the movies with her, but it was a few years ago. For A Beautiful Mind. She loved it, and I was tired and crabby. We went out to eat after and I was just so not in the mood. Not for her, but I was just so tired and didn't feel chipper and like discussing the movie. I felt bad at the time, because she hardly ever went out anymore because of her breathing. Our outing was a test-run for her to see if she felt comfortable using her travel-size oxygen tank. She was so pleased, and I was so crabby.

It's not like I'm beating myself up รก la some crappy movie scene, "If only I had told her I loved her!" I saw her a lot and we watched a lot of movies and talked a lot. It was all good, but that doesn't make it less crappy when I think about what could have been a nicer time with her.

Man, I need to get more sleep. I am so tired of feeling depressed and crazy.