My grandma died last month. Well, now it's almost been two months.
The dumbest things can bring it into my mind and it kills me.
It sounds melodramatic, but when I think about her I want to stab my heart out (why a spoon cousin?).
It's the second time in my life that I have specifically felt like the hurt was in my heart.
I was just looking up movie times for later today and I happened to see the theater where I went with her exactly once. Of course, it was the last time I went to the movies with her, but it was a few years ago. For A Beautiful Mind. She loved it, and I was tired and crabby. We went out to eat after and I was just so not in the mood. Not for her, but I was just so tired and didn't feel chipper and like discussing the movie. I felt bad at the time, because she hardly ever went out anymore because of her breathing. Our outing was a test-run for her to see if she felt comfortable using her travel-size oxygen tank. She was so pleased, and I was so crabby.
It's not like I'm beating myself up รก la some crappy movie scene, "If only I had told her I loved her!" I saw her a lot and we watched a lot of movies and talked a lot. It was all good, but that doesn't make it less crappy when I think about what could have been a nicer time with her.
Man, I need to get more sleep. I am so tired of feeling depressed and crazy.
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