Whenever I feel overrun by life and have to explain to someone why I didn't return their call or something similar, I feel like a bit of a baby. I think, "C'mon, what do you really do all week that you're that busy?"
Well, I'm in ministry. I just realized that this week. I'm not paid, and I have friends on my team helping me, but I'm the main voice for the college students right now, so I'm sort of a college pastor. I've known (lightly) for a while that I was a pastor because a)we all are, kinda and b)I'm actually involved in ministry. But as I fret about events, about meeting with and connecting with students both high school and college, as I search the web looking for articles to read and things to study and resources for drawing college students to church, I realize that I'm already doing it.
For the past couple years, I've thought of myself as an unemployed, part-time student who volunteers with a couple things at church, so I always try to justify my sense of pressure or overwhelmed-ness. But I'm in my career already. It's on. Even though I'm still in school. Even though I don't get paid. I'm one of the teachers for young adults, I'm taking on some teaching (really more like facilitating/leading) roles for high school, I love all of these teenagers and twenty-somethings to bits and pieces, and there is a weight on my heart for them. I'm in.
So, yeah. I'm busy. Part of me can't wait for school to be over (only 1.5 more years!) so I can concentrate on ministry & possibly be paid to worry & read books and articles and listen to podcasts and fret and plan & meet, etc. Another part of me knows, though, that it (ministry) will grow to fill whatever time I can give it. It will suck my brain power and my heart and my time, and having more time will just mean more work and more heartache.
I'm tempted to have a cheesy closing line like, "But it will all be worth it," or something like that for closure, but I'm more blank right now. It is what it is. It is worth it, as long as I keep it in perspective, because this is where I'm called. God is making a way for me and I walk in it with faith and a nervous stomach. I know that there will be exciting times and worn down times. I know that I have no idea what God has in store.
As I move into this new space, I'll need to realign some things. Shift my baggage around a bit to get comfortable for the journey. Learn to look at myself and my life in a new way. Me & God can do this.
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