 |
| This looks like it says "mamaste". And I'd love to be doing yoga in this beautiful location. |
A number of things have contributed to the changes in me over the past 7 months, and one of the things which makes me happiest is the fact that I am *finally* doing yoga (semi) regularly. I've always dabbled here and there, even randomly thinking that I'd be a yoga instructor someday. That was about 14 years ago, and if I had, oh, kept with it, I'd be speaking to you as a yoga instructor today. Context clues can tell you that I am not, in fact, a yoga instructor. But I actually think I might have that as a 5 (or fewer) year goal.
Once we moved back to Michigan, I knew that I needed to do something to get out of the house and do something for myself. I've been getting more in touch with my body for the past year, and this seemed like a natural extension of that. Part of that getting in touch with my body has been learning to be kind to it and love it for the first time in many, many years. That kindness led me to decide that I wasn't going to run or push myself to go to the gym anymore. At least not for a while.
I decided to focus on healing my body and being nice to it, doing movement that I enjoyed and that didn't cause me pain. I love running, but it consistently hurt me. I didn't want my workouts to be about self-punishment anymore. I didn't want to force myself to go to the gym out of self-hatred and needing to lose weight to prove my worth.
Unlike the workouts I used to do, yoga inherently heals me. My muscles have been tight and twisted and knotty since...well, some since I was born. (I was born with jacked up legs. Club foot! They handed me to my mom for the first time with casts on both feet. I had braces like Forrest Gump!) Most of the other damage came starting in college. Twisting a knee, then favoring the other too much, supinating my feet when I walked, lower back getting messed up as a result of all that, rolling ankles, swollen, painful knees, etc etc. And through just half a year of focusing on yoga, I see changes in my body. I've seen my hips and IT bands loosen up, my knees hardly hurt anymore, and my arms and shoulders are noticeably stronger. The diaphragmatic breathing we do in yoga has also improved my breathing, though my puny lungs still stop their inhale long before the teacher says that it's time to exhale and move onto the next move.
The other wonderful thing about yoga is that it is meditation in motion. In the beginning, I often cried during practice because you're supposed to be in the moment. Some say that the breath is the entire point: observing your breath and clearing your mind. So while I'm stretching and moving through the poses (asanas), I'm trying to clear my thoughts and simply be. I'm still working on that, but what this meant in the beginning was lots of thinking and facing my feelings. Hence, the crying. At the same time, it brought me so much peace. And continues to do so.
It feels holy being in the darkened yoga studio with a group of people all seeking a quiet, peaceful space in our busy days. It has been healing for me in ways physical, emotional, and spiritual. I am so grateful
