Death...I don't like it.

I miss my grandma. I think of her when something cool or new is going on, and I want to tell her. I think about her because I'm going to Hawaii, and she went a few times (I think) when I was young. To my mind, Hawaii is Grandma's. I wanted to tell her that my Uncle, her son, is going to be here in town a block away from my house and we're going to go out to dinner.

But she already knows.

99 Degrees and all is mostly well.

It was 103 today. We don't have a/c. But I'm making it. Small bursts of activity with internet breaks between. There is sweat dripping down my side. There is no way I am making a hot dinner. Salad it is! If I can even muster the strength for that. Perhaps fruit and water.
This is the exciting prose you get today, but I felt that my near-misery needed to be shared with you, the loyal readers.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and she is really cool. I like that she was at one with the fact that she didn't really know what was going on with me, and after looking up her theory, referred me to an orthopedic surgeon who specializes in sports medicine. She was also friendly even though she was super busy, so big points for that.

I'm trying to clean my room, which is frustrating because there isn't enough room for a lot of things, but I am trying. I clearly don't care a lot about the state of the bedroom because there are suitcases sitting there with things in them from a month ago. Hey, I don't spend a lot of time in there. As long as the bed is cleared off at night, we're usually good. Though I do occasionally heave a sigh or two when we just transfer clothes from the bed to the hope chest, dresser, or floor.

Moving has come up as a possibility, and I look forward to this because I can get rid of a lot of things again. That would be exciting. Yes, I could get rid of these things anyway; you're wise to suggest it. But it's not like I'm a pack-rat and there is all of this extraneous junk around-I am in love with getting rid of things. The things that I would get rid of were we to move would be actual useful things that I know we can just buy more of later when we need them.

Let me back up a minute- any move would be into a furnished apartment and temporary and elsewhere, so we would have next to none of our things for a good length of time. I imagine that what we would take would be necessary movies, books, clothes, and CDs. Other things would go into storage.
But this is putting the cart before the horse. Updates to come.

Knife Safety

I am such a goober. I was washing a bread knife last night and decided that the jagged edge should be pulled across my index finger. Yum. Now it hurts, but I have a Bob the Tomato bandaid to help me through it. And I'm afraid of the dishes.

New Band

Get thee straight over to the Gnarls Barkley website and listen to them. I am obsessed, I tell you. I have them in my head all of the time.

Spirituality and My Corner of the Internet

I was waiting for some moment of clarity or inspiration so that this entry would be perfect in explaining how I feel, but I don't think that moment is on its way, so I'll go ahead with it:

In poking around the blogosphere and myspace, I notice that many people have their faith right out there for all to see. Their answers to "Who would you like to meet?" are "My Lord and savior" and things of that nature. Their "About Me" sections are full of how much they love God and how all they want to do is serve Jesus better, etc, etc.

My reaction to this? Guilt. Which I know isn't from God, but there it is. I wonder why I'm not more like that; why my first instincts and answers aren't to give those type of answers. Having gone to a Christian high school, this has always been an issue for me. I look at the ones that are overtly spiritual and wonder what's wrong with me or why I don't love God as much as they do.
And I know in my mind that this is crap. Periodically, I know it in my heart- but it comes and goes. Jesus and I are likethis, and I am on my own path. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. "but but! I'm going to be a pastor! someday..."

And there's also the issue of whether these people are all really like that. If it really was their first instinct to have their myspace be their Christian calling card. I would think that not all of them are like that. Maybe it is their first reaction because they want to make sure to put it out there for reasons of insecurity, not that they are only ever thinking about God. But I know that some of them are like that. I never have been.

I don't go up to people on the streets or witness door-to-door. Some would call it a copout, but I don't- I live my life for God. I love people- that's actually my biggest goal. I want people to know that I love them. I want to be a friend to people and have them trust and rely on me and know that they are loved by me and by God. I do bring up faith with people. Quite often, actually. I've talked to strangers about God at parties- I let it happen organically.

Two quotes, one oft-used but still good, one probably unknown to you:

Preach the Gospel always, and when necessary, use words.
attributed to St. Francis of Assissi

This one is from Beth Moore's book Believing God. She calls these the phrases that make up your shield of Faith. I love them:

God is who He says He is.
God can do what He says He can do.
I am who God says I am.
I can do all things through Christ.
God's Word is living and active in me.

These help me to confirm who I am when I doubt it. Obviously, they lead me back to other things I know and what the Bible says about me. Maybe someday I will be more like "those people", but they aren't better than me or smarter or closer to God. They are walking their own walks and it is their business. I am working out my salvation with fear and trembling.

The Shoes I Got Sunday

Not girly, but I'm happy. I needed the top ones; I've wanted the bottom ones for quite a while. And they were on sale!! Yay.

Also, there was no manipulation of my husband to get these, even though I said that I made puppy dog eyes at him. It was totally up to him whether I got either of them.

Sunday in San Francisco

I got new shoes today!!!
I also got some workout clothes, but I'm more excited about the TWO pairs of shoes that I got. I needed new running shoes because I just about wanted to cut my feet off after my training walk yesterday, but the awesome store where we went in the Presidio also had some Simples I've had my eye on for only $30! I made puppy eyes at my husband and they were mine! I also got some high-falootin running socks, so we'll see how those work.

It's funny: this is really the first time I've been into a sport since high school, but my husband and I have always enjoyed sporting goods stores and could spend lots of time and money there. We're poseur athletes.

Since the store was in SF, we went ahead and drove around a bit. We went in the fort under the Golden Gate Bridge, and that was fun. There were sailboats and windsurfers in the bay- it was just beautiful. People everywhere, running, playing with dogs, riding bikes. I love it so much.

We also drove around town a bit, and I really feel like I'm over it. I've been feeling like a big loser for the past six months because I hadn't really been to the city yet, but I realized that it's just a city! I like where I live A LOT. I don't need a big, huge metropolis. So, I'm no longer intimidated by it- if there is somewhere I need to go, I'll go, but I don't feel the need to say that I've been there. I've been a bit, and it's enough. (In case you're in shock, I don't like New York either.)

And? I don't like the steep hills. We started going up Lombard Street and I finally snapped at my husband, "Get me off this street!" I've seen it enough on TV, and we saw it from another view when we were driving by. It was just too stressful for me.

Oh, the American Idol finale

Blech. He's not my Idol. But Katherine isn't that great, either. I mourn for Elliot.
I will say this: I had a kissing dream about Taylor Hicks. It was okay, but he was a tad jerky.

Bumps and bruises

It has been a while since I've posted, and there are a few things I want to talk about, but just not right now. What I will mention is that I had my first fall on my scooter a couple of days ago. It wasn't huge or tragic, but it wasn't fun.
Thankfully, I was in my driveway, not on the street, and my father-in-law was there to help me pick up my bike. I think that I could have gotten it on my own, but I was a little wigged out at that moment. I was just trying to do a tight turn and the throttle got away from me and the scooter just slid out sideways. I scraped my arm up- it's all ugly and purple- and I felt like I got punched in the back, but all is well. Thank God that I had my jacket on and decided against wearing shorts.
I had been coming around to the idea of maybe getting a motorcycle in the future, but I am firmly off of that right now. I barely wanted to ride my scooter after that, but I have a few times now, so I'm okay. I was mostly sad about falling. And I felt stupid.