Friday, April 28, 2017

I really don't want to write this.

 But I will.

I don't even know if this is going to have form beyond stream of consciousness,  but I know it's good to share,  blah blah,  stigma,  blah blah,  awareness,  etc.

Over the past 6 years,  we've had a lot of loss; a lot of transition and change. Not all bad,  but still stressful and it piles up.  And,  yes,  I know that there are people who have it a lot worse,  but this isn't their blog and I'm not carrying their pain.

Have a list:
Became foster parents
Loved and lost kids we thought we'd have forever
Started homeschooling
Only man I've ever called Grandpa died
Father-in-law died
Moved to Hawaii
Left California friends
Left California church
Dad diagnosed with cancer
Spent 3.5 months away from Hawaii
Brother- in-law died suddenly
Spent a month in Michigan without my family
My dad died
Went back to Michigan for a week

Also included: finished grad school (what the fuck do I do now?)
Haven't found a church in Hawaii
Pretty sure I've lost part of my mind
Ruined friendships
Midlife unraveling
Generally fucked up a lot

The clinical depression I've carried for decades now has all these layers of stress, grief,  and loss on top,  plus ADHD & anxiety (no, YOU'RE the basket case!), and I'm here to tell you I'm the most suicidal I've ever been.  Even more than when I attempted suicide 24 years ago.  That was more impulse on top of depression and hormones and starting college.

The kicker is that it's not like it makes sense.  I'm not thinking,  "Oh,  my dad is dead! I can't go on living!" No,  the shittiest part, the part that makes me hate myself the most,  is that my sadness is rarely about my dad.  It can turn into sadness about him,  but it rarely starts there.

I barely recognize myself sometimes. But it's me and sometimes I like it.  I like my new scars.  I like the few things that make me feel alive right now,  even if they're not awesome.

I've reached out on my scariest days.  Seth takes the meds with him to work now.

I don't know.  If you've never known this about me,  I'm sorry.  Don't be afraid.

Please don't comment about how much I have to live for,  try to encourage me,  or tell me you'll pray for me.  But,  yes,  do pray for me.  Just...I don't know.

I know I have to get out more.  See my friends. So my Hawaii peeps need to bug the shit out of me so I'll get out of bed,  okay? Know that I will be super annoyed with you.

So there! Transparency,  awareness,  you're not alone!!

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