CHIC

This is the first of 2 posts about my 2 weeks of mayhem. Both were great, but there's a lot to tell. The next post will cover our vacation.

Week 1: CHIC (Covenant High In Christ)- the triennial youth conference for our denomination. This was my first time attending, and it did not disappoint. Well, I would have liked to bond a little bit more with my girls, but oh well.

We all had our fabulous matching t-shirts at the airport bright & early on Saturday morning, so that we could more easily keep track of our group of 42. (This picture was taken on our last day, waiting for the flight home. Thanks, Susie.) The CHIC logo is the weird yellow thing, so our staff designed PacMan themed shirts because of the resemblance.

After hanging out at the airport for quite a while, we boarded our plane to Nashville, with all of us taking up the rear of the plane. I was in the very back row with a girl who had never flown before and one of my sweet girls who brings nothing on flights with her because she wants to talk. (And I complain about not bonding!) We tease each other about that.

We rented minivans in Nashville & spend the night in town, taking over a local restaurant for dinner, followed by the swarming of the hotel pool. The next day, we drove to Knoxville, which was a beautiful drive to a cute town.

We stayed in dorms, which were fine. All the kids roomed together, and adults roomed together. That was nice. The campus is HUGE and Tennessee is HOT, so there was weight loss, for sure. Lots of sweating and walking. Even at 8 in the morning, we were sweaty. I love the South, but I'm glad I live in CA where there's dry heat.

Each day consisted of breakfast in a nearby dorm, followed by 2 group sessions somewhere else on campus dealing with the topics of relating to yourself, to God, to the World, and to Others. Most of them were very good. One dealt with faking it and putting on masks, another was a great worship session that felt very real & jam-like. Another had an exercise about judging people that was good, and there was also a day educating us on human trafficking (there is a LOT of it. Seriously).

The afternoons were filled with free time for the kids to do anything they wanted, including a number of excursions. There were sports tournaments of all kinds, chess, crafts, swimming, water slides, bowling, bands playing outside. It was great. I mostly wandered with Susie (blue tank top on the left above), and sometimes tried to take a nap. One day, though, I did run into town (really, I ran. It was hot.) to buy Harry Potter tickets, as it opened the Wednesday we were there. That afternoon, 20 of us walked/ran into downtown Knoxville to watch the movie, which was a lot of fun. Another afternoon, I went white water rafting with Susie & 3 of the girls, which was great. I had never done it before, and we had a lot of fun, especially laughing at one of our girls falling out of the raft.
The evenings were dinner in the dorm, then Main Stage, which was at the arena. About 8000 people gathered for concerts, worship, and speakers. All the speakers were very good, but I believe that Shane Claiborne was the best, and the kids loved him, too. After you look at his site, you'll say, "Of course you loved the commune-living hippie, Robin!"

We also saw the David Crowder Band, which was more fun than I expected; Flyleaf, which was very loud and I took too long to start dancing and get into it; Israel Houghton & New Breed, which I loved due to nostalgia for his leading worship at Lakewood; and Third Day, who I liked and respected much more than I thought I would do. Also, on the first night, the daughter of our speaker, Erwin McManus, played with her band, Glare of Rockets, which is my new favorite band. (When you listen on myspace, know that live her voice didn't feel so sweet & they were much more dark & wall-of-sound feeling. She's like a mixture of Paramore & Mazzy Starr.)

Some of our students won the short film contest, and the video doesn't appear to be his youtube page, so I'll post it later. It was pretty funny. People learned, cried, bonded, grew. It was good. We were at Main Stage until at least 11pm every night, and ate pizza every night after. Got about 6 hours of sleep or less, sweated, trekked, had a good time. I got a foot massage in the airport before our departing flight, which was lovely. I'll definitely go again, but hopefully, a bunch of us won't get sick next time.

Politics: Okay, the gloves are off! (you've been warned)

This post is not going to be super well-thought out, balanced, or probably even grammatical. This is an unloading of things I've mostly kept in for the past 10 months or so.

Your caveats: I am not a political junkie. I never have kept close tabs on what's going on. This past presidential election was the first time I really paid a lot of attention, though I always do research and have voted since I was 18. I don't subscribe to one party or another's entire philosophy; in fact, I avoid labels whenever possible. I go to fact checking websites from time to time if a particularly whacked-out statement is made and whether it is true would affect me. I get my news primarily from The Colbert Report, The Daily Show, msnbc.com, and NPR. Not a lot of range there.

You know why I don't watch Fox News? Because, from what I see, they're freaking ignorant nutjobs. Sure, I mostly see clips that are being made fun of, but I've watched enough reality tv to know that you can't paint a picture that isn't there. When I consistently see you making dumb statements, I'm going to go ahead and believe that you're dumb.

I'm a Christian (there's my label). And I voted for Obama enthusiastically and in good conscience. I am not AT ALL the only Christian who voted for Obama. I am one of the many who saw that our country was being trashed by Bush/Cheney. I voted for Bush once. He is a Christian, and since I was raised to think Republican, I always thought of him as part of the family. Though I didn't agree with him on many things, for a long time my knee-jerk reaction would be to support him because...well, it's kind of like how you can make fun of your family or complain, but your friends or husband aren't allowed to. So, for a long time, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Over the last year or so, though, I just couldn't do it anymore. War. Torture. Environment. Business. Ugh. I seriously have to not think about it too much or I'll start crying.

Do I like Senator Obama's record on abortion? Not at all. There are some things that bug me there. President Obama hasn't done much to worry me, though. What's that? You mention the repealing of the gag order on overseas NGOs so that they can talk about abortion now? Or were you going to phrase it, "organizations that promote abortion" or "force" or something? It's a rule that has been going back and forth between presidents since Reagan. You know what REALLY ticks me off? That many Christians got all up in arms about that and posted that all over the place, but didn't even care that what really was his first act was stopping torture. That makes me a little sick. And, do tell, what did Bush do about abortion in his 8 years in office? Hmmm?

I believe that many Christians have been sold on the idea that all Republican issues=Christian issues. It's just not true. Why do you think that Jesus has an opinion on Big Business or wants to be sure you can carry a gun? Why do you think that it's okay to torture someone for the possibility of information? If we don't have to follow any rules, then there really needn't be any. We cannot talk tough on people cutting off the heads of Americans when we also think we can do whatever we want.

Someone tried to tell me that God cares about what is fair and people getting what they deserve. No. He does not. The entire premise of the Gospel is that we do NOT get what we deserve, hallelujah! We deserve death and misery, but we get freedom & heaven. Spiritual freedom. The affairs of this world don't have to enslave us or dictate our attitudes and actions. We have a different purpose, one that is not served by being divisive, screeching, self-righteous harpies.

Look at the parable of the vineyard owner (Matthew 20). He hired people in the morning at an agreed upon wage. Later that day, he hired some more people at the same wage. In the end, the people hired in the morning were ticked off that the later people got the same pay, even though they had agreed upon that as a fair wage to begin with. Yes, God takes care of us and loves us, is a great father, and gives us good things, but his definitions of "fair" and "good" are not the same as ours.

What else is clear in the Bible is that we are supposed to take care of the poor, the widows, the orphans, the aliens in our land. We are supposed to care for people at all stages of their life, not just the inception stage. Yes, churches do a GREAT job at this, much better than the government does, something that many in the media need to recognize more. But the Republican POV is very self-righteous and seems hateful. They do not appear to want to take care of anyone but themselves.

I need to wrap this up. Is President Obama a socialist. OMG. No. But you know what? I don't really care. Would I write and speak up about things that really bug me? Yes. But the system we're under or who owns GM or whatever does not affect my life as much as some people seem to think. I have other things to think about and worry about and get upset about. Calm down. Please. And stop looking down on and trying to figure out people who voted for the President. He won. You lost. Deal with it.

I will now say something good about President Bush: he did great things for Africa and combatting AIDS there and almost NOBODY noticed.

coming up soon: I tackle Prop 8. (no, really. I'm going to.)

ETA: Yes, Bush signed the partial-birth abortion ban in 2003. Thank you, Mel. I had something else more calm to say. Oh- I'm not normally like this. I agree to disagree & try to stay civil. This is just something that has been bubbling and burning for a while, and it was set off this morning by someone from H.S. making a judgmental statement about Obama supporters on facebook. I also add that any kinship or agreement I may have with some conservatives is driven away by their attitudes.

Star Trek

It does seem a bit odd to have a post about Star Trek right after/before I write about faith & death, but I'm here, at the dashboard, in a semi-writerly mood.

I had no interest at all in seeing this movie, I tell you. I am NOT a Trekkie, have a dislike bordering on loathing for Zachary Quinto due to Heroes, and was certain I would hate it. But everyone that saw it went on and on about how wonderful it is and vowed that they were not Trekkies, either. Fine.

A friend of mine with whom I see movies clearly wanted to see this. I tried to steer towards other things, but it came back to ST. Fine. I was in that precarious position where I was starting to believe the hype, which could lead to a disastrous movie-going experience. But my skepticism tempered the hype enough that I still fully expected to hate the film.

Well? I loved it. LOVED. IT. Pretty much from the very beginning, I was smiling and thinking, "I love this movie! Let's see how soon they ruin it." They never ruined it. I smiled all the way through, even liked Zachary Quinto, and cannot wait for the next one to come out. I saw it without Seth, and I asked him if he wanted to go that night and see it. We still haven't been, and it's starting to bug me.

This is how much it changed my opinion of Zachary Quinto- I actually want him to be in more movies. I would love to see him not being serious, not whispering or scowling. I want him to smile and be cute and be in a romantic comedy. I know! Sylar! It's a crazy world, I tell you.

Still not a fan

Hooray! More death to talk about!

I found out today that a girl from high school (one year ahead of me) died from breast cancer. She leaves her 5 children behind.

I don't know her anymore, but I used to. I knew her when she was young, and that's all I can picture. And now she's gone. I can see her senior picture in my mind, and I just want to cry my eyes out. She was one of the popular girls, but was always very kind, too. Smart, pretty, etc. I'm just so sad and find it hard to wrap my mind around it.

I also hear rumors of a skewed vision of faith and lack of trust in reality. I don't know if they're true, but I still pray for the hearts of her family and friends. I want them to be comforted in this crappy time that makes little sense. I don't want people who don't know Jesus to think that any time a Christian hoping for healing dies, that means God isn't there or doesn't listen.

Faith doesn't mean we always get what we want. True faith trusts that God knows what is happening and that he can use anything to his glory. Crap will happen. I seldom get it. But I know that God is real and I experience him, which outweighs my questions and doubts. I won't always get things that God allows, but I know that I certainly don't have a handle on what is best and I don't want to make God in my image of what he should and shouldn't be.

Blerg

This isn't really the post. This is more of a draft, but I'm actually publishing it so that I will be forced to write. The topics are 5-fold:

1) Star Trek
2) Dog walks & their mishaps
3) Classes
4) Loving fb & twitter
5) don't remember-but let's just say Twilight, because I promised that I would talk about it after the heavy last post I did.

Long time, no see

Hello, bloggity-blog and the readers out there. Of course, the majority of you that come here are looking for a poster of "A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste." Of course, you fine folks won't even see this post, because you'll be taken to an older one where I had a link to said poster. Others of you are looking for Bible verses about sleep. Hopefully, you were taken directly to that post, too. If not, hi! Welcome.

I don't have lots of terribly deep things to say, but it's a downright crime that I haven't written in so long. So, as I sit here, avoiding reading for class and suffering the effects of eating ENTIRELY too many apple chips, I shall recap a bit of life.

As you my know, my sister and brother-in-law lost their daughter in January. That really sucked. I have realized that I haven't really gone through the mourning process before, because this hit me differently than I expected. I suppose that when my grandma died, she had been sick, and she was old-ish, so it wasn't as horrible. I was mighty sad, but there wasn't a lot of confusion or back and forth about it. Just the knowledge that death sucks.

But with Adi's death, it was different. It has hit me in ways that I still don't even realize-just this past Sunday, I was telling someone about what happened and I cried again. I'm sad that this little girl died and that she was sick, but I'm mostly sad for my sister & bro-i-l. I hate the pain that my sister went through, the fear that my bro-i-l had to face, the sadness that they feel in their souls and bodies.

I want it all to make sense. To work out. To be clear. I wanted to find the magic bullet answer in the Bible so I could tell her that THIS, James 17:8 (no such verse) or the theological construct of God's providence and blah-blah is what will make it align, make life (and God) look fair, and will make the sun shine. I actually was pretty desperate for that for a while. I read, I asked pastors and friends, and I prayed and cried. And this was all more than a month after she died.

I knew that grief was a roller-coaster, but I didn't think I was going to be on it. But mine is definitely a kiddie ride compared to my sister's. I've had to learn to step back and let them ride theirs, and that I can't control it. Every up or down isn't their final landing place. They'll get wherever "there" is, and God is with them, whether or not they always see him or hear him.

But we're all doing better now. Well, most of us. They're going to be okay. I'm not worried, at least not today. Pharmaceuticals and C.S. Lewis have helped a lot.

This is from A Grief Observed, and it blew me away:

God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn’t. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. He only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.

So, I guess I got deep after all. I'll write about Twilight next time.

Like I Said

I went to the gym today and saw THREE people from church. I love where I live. It's not too small, like a tiny town where everyone knows your business, but it's also not so big that there are lots of any one kind of business, so you're likely to run into people you know when running errands, etc.

People on the Street

I'm revisiting an old topic here: seeing people I know out and about. Why it pops up again today is because I'm back in California after being in Michigan for almost a month. What I realized in MI is that, even though I'm from there, I currently know more people here and live in a smaller town, so my chances of seeing someone I know out in public are actually smaller in MI than here.

It was almost sad for me to be at the mall or something in MI, see a group of teenagers, and have there be no chance that I knew them. That's weird now. It was lonely and surprising to go to Costco and not run into anyone I knew. (Disclaimer: I did see someone I knew at Costco one time in MI. I'm speaking in generalities, people!)

I'm back home now, and the flipside of this occurs to me, as it did a couple years ago: I'm not going to see anyone from my past here. I'm not going to squint at someone who walks into a restaurant and suddenly realize that it's an old friend or some random guy I had a crush on in college. Here, if I see someone I know, I am currently friends with them and there's no real surprise to see them. We'll talk. It will be normal. That's both a relief and a little bit boring.

A new conviction

I am pretty. Despite the fact that I don't take the best pictures, I'm pretty. I know this. I don't need to constantly second-guess and compare myself to other people.

Have I mentioned that I don't want kids?

I thought I may have done so.

I'm in MI for about a month visiting family. Circumstances are kind of grim: my sister was in the hospital, 6mos pregnant w/her first baby, complications ensued. I came to be w/her, she had an emergency c-section and the baby died after an hour. But I'm not talking about all that right now.

It's cold here, really cold, and this house is quite full. Me, mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law, grandma, and 3 year old nephew. Another sister flits in and out, while another, the mother of the kid, calls and calls. This is a small house. I hang out in the basement, and every step taken upstairs sounds like elephants stampeding.

My life? My cozy life w/husband and dogs in California? My life is only loud when and if I choose. Yes, my husband ticks very loudly from time to time, but that's a 1-5 second thing. Yes, I hang out with high schoolers at church, but that's once a week, and they can be made to hush if necessary.

What am I saying? I'm saying that I've been here a week and a half, and it's high time I spent the night elsewhere. I have 17 more days. Days I'm grateful for, even if I miss my husband terribly. I'm glad to have a relaxing time with my family and friends; to not have to schedule multiple appointments on each day to try to see everyone. I think it's all God's doing that I'm even here-- I used a free ticket that we got as a result from being bumped from another free flight. I got here about 36 hours before my sister's baby died, being able to see sis in the hospital happy before that happened. My sister and brother-in-law have a house on base that will be ready for them soon, so we'll be leaving on the same day. I'm supposed to be here, and I'm supposed to be here for the time frame I have planned.

But it's still hard sometimes.

Routine Maintenance

I've started adding tags/labels to my posts, so I'm going back over them all (oh, ALL of them! the millions of posts!) and slowly adding them. So, if you start clicking on things, you're not going to find everything yet. This is a process.

Ignoring The Boss to start post 2

I'm trying to keep going. Oy, I can't go on looking at Mickey Rourke.

I believe that I doubt my commitment to these awards. If I can barely keep my finger from the skip button while watching, why would anyone, especially ones not watching, want to read my commentary? Alas, it was worth a try. I am throwing in the towel at the 16 minute mark, enjoying Simon Baker but confused by his trying to keep his accent down.

Arianna Huffington, I tried. I tried to just blog. To not edit, to just write, to put it out there. I can't do it. Thank you for your support.

Ze Golden Globe Awards

So, what I' m going to try to do here is a live commentary whilst watching the awards. Well, I'm going to start them a bit late, and I shall skip through some parts, because, c'mon, I'm not getting paid for this, I am probably bad at it, and it's for my own lulz. I'm going to try to make sense at the time. This is really an exercise in fun.

Commence!

Ooh, too much fake tanner and Greek goddess extensions on that Acess Hollywood chick.
Could the theme song be more annoying? Doubtful. Drew Barrymore's hair doubts it, too. It is large with disapproval.

J.Lo, do you have a different style of dress? I don't think you do. Good thing this one is golden.

Does Penelope Cruz have a deal with the devil? That Viola Davis is pretty.

Yay for Kate Winslet! I love her so much. And she's sitting with Leo- lovely.
Okay, now shut up.

Gah! Can I have the title of "Social Activist," or can only rich, famous, beardy people like Sting have it. I mean, I am active on social networking sites, and I also could be called a social butterfuly sometimes. I'm taking it.

Less than 8 minutes in, I want 2 follicular interventions to be done: Sting and, someone, for the love of Pete, tell Billy Ray Cyrus that his hair is unacceptable!

This isn't a very interesting post so far. May abort, abort!

Why I love Twilight

I've been poking around a lot online (some would call it "obsessed." "Some" would be my husband.) and reading stuff about Twilight--generally snark, some articles, interviews with the cast (some members more than others are represented in my searches.)

It appears that the great majority of the snarky writers and of the haters seem to be up in arms (Shocked!) about a teenybopper book catering to an allegedly anti-feminist idea of a girl wanting a knight in shining armor and men being fairly dominant. Another group of them feels that a message of abstinence is antiquated and also anti-feminist. Most do not understand why, on Stephenie Meyer's sparkly earth, would grown-ass wimmins be reading these books, watching the movie, and salivating over them both. The general opinion seems to be that these are books FOR TEENAGERS, so ONLY teenagers should read and enjoy them. Anyone over the age of 16 who loves them is gross and wrong and needs to get a life. (Um, Harry Potter much?)

I sincerely beg of these people that they get off their high horses, take the sticks out of their collective bums, go soak their heads, or whichever command will get them off my dazzling, vampire-loving back.

Am I saying you're not allowed to dislike or hate these books? Not at all! What I find disheartening though, and there is a LOT of it on the web for any and every subject, is the poisonous disdain for people who do enjoy something you find stupid. As if you are the learned and wise one, while the 40 bajillion people who love scrapbooking, those creepily realistic stuffed cats, genre fiction, and Jesus are stupid and beneath you. And I'm a certified snob, myself! I'm sure you could go back through my very own blog and find a post where I am heaping scorn upon someone for liking something that makes me hurl. (Actually, I just looked and didn't find anything exactly like this. Whoosh! Narrowly escaped that little bit of hypocrisy!)

What I find irritating is that many (not all) of these posters seem to feel that everything they read is sensical, upright, empowering, deadly serious, and Good, while the Twilight books are brain-sapping, oppressive, and Bad. It's a freaking YA vampire romance novel! And if you think that much of the adult novels in the same genre are feminist tracts firmly grounded in reality and excellent writing, I have a bridge to sell you.

Yep, I've read a lot of those, too. And most of them suck. I've read at least 7 books by Sherrilyn Kenyon, almost every one of them exactly the same woman-hating, ridiculously bad, he-man saves the day after a sensitive woman heals his black soul bullcrap. It's a formula that I go to for comfort and brain-off entertainment. I am a seminary student with papers to write, deep stuff that hurts my brain to read, oft-conflicting beliefs to examine and juggle, and people's eternal souls to ponder and worry over, not least of all my own and my husband's.

I cannot frikking get my head into most "grown-up" contemporary fiction. It's boring! It's hard to slog through the thousands of new releases to figure out what I'll actually like and find something that itsn't about depressed middle class marriages where at least one person wants to kill themselves and they all hate each other. On the other hand, I can be reasonably sure that any urban fantasy or paranormal romance book I pick up is going to be a) kind of predictable, b) poorly written and edited, and c) at least 85% entertaining.

I first read Twilight in '06, because I love YA fantasy books, and it has vampires. End reasons. I remember thinking that it was only okay, and that while I didn't feel the need to go on to the next books, I probably would eventually if I was casting about for something to read. Two years later, enter 'Nette. 'Nette is in love with the books, and absolutely wanted to see the movie. I had half an interest in the movie, mostly due to the pulsing excitment of my h.s. girls and their enthusiasm for Team Cullen. So I semi-reluctantly went to see the movie on New Years Day. (really. Just last week. This thing is only 9 days old.) Though I didn't realize it right away, it was starting to crumble (my dignity, my sanity) right there.

I thought the movie was pretty good, with only a couple eye-rolling "OMG! We're so in love! OMG OMG OMG!!!!!1" moments. And, I'm sorry, but Robert Pattinson is seriously a beautiful boy. Seriously. So, I borrowed the 2nd book from 'NettaBobetta and read it that night. Then it was seriously all over. I had to know!!! I bought Eclipse (hardcover. ack!) and read it at the airports and on the planes. (I saw at least 5 other people in the airports w/Twilight books. All adults.) I went to church on Sunday (movie + 68 hours) and immediately went up to the first group of h.s. girls I saw, like a junkie needing her fix. "Do any of you have Breaking Dawn??!!" I thought I may have to go to someone's house to grab it, but one of those wonderful, obsessive girls had it in her car at church, so I was able to get it right away. Joy!

And you know what? I loved it. The teenage wedding, freaky rough sex (off-page, of course), creepy vampire baby, imprinting, non-fight- all of it.

Did I absolutely love every part of the books and think they're gems of literature and girls should be Just Like Bella? No! They're FANTASY. Escapism. Fairy Tales. Bella drove me mad most of the time, with her moping and defining herself solely based on the boys in her life and incessant lack of self-confidence. But find me more than a handful of teenage girls who aren't like that! Is that ideal? Of course not. Do you really think that traditional fairy tales build them up into strong, independent women? They're all about girls waiting for princes or the brave girls who will go ahead and die for the good of the weak men or their village. It's not pretty. But I can also guarantee you that my students at church also got a little sick of Bella's whining and they picture themselves as much more independent than she is. I think they also notice the love she has for her dad, but the crappy way she treats him, and they'll think about that. Yes, I worry a little bit about what example Bella & Edward set for them, but that's exactly why I'm going to talk to them about it. I'm going to ask them about Jacob's assault and Edward's controlling ways.

And I do appreciate the message of abstinence. I don't like that so much out there now tells teens that sex is no big deal, when it is. And you can live without it, even when you really really want it. You will live. You can talk. Even though it's not highlighted as much as it is with Jacob, Edward and Bella's relationship is barely physical, and they talk and spend time together and are deep friends. This is a good thing! It's actually pretty healthy to show a realistic view of sex instead of hiding it away and pretending that boys want it, girls don't, and it's not all that great, just keep it in your pants until marriage. Yes, I know that they *did* wait until marriage, at Edward's request, but believe me, I grew up in a semi-fundie school and you just weren't supposed to talk about or want it or acknowledge its existence. Only bad kids had sex. We weren't given any practical expectations, models, or advice other than "Don't!"

Why would I, a happily married, mostly completely satisfied with my life, almost mid-30s woman like it so much? As I mentioned before, escapism. Brain-off entertainment. Romance. Fun. I adore my husband and want to climb him like a tree most days, but that doesn't mean that I have zero bagage about my desirability. That doesn't mean that guys liked me when I was younger. It doesn't mean that I don't like reading about sweeping love and sex and immortality and strength after doing dishes and prying socks out of my dog's mouth. No, it doesn't make me wish I was Bella, or seriously pine over teenage boys (ick!). It makes me want my husband even more. It just stirs up romance in general, at least for me. That's it.

Does Robert Pattinson need to worry about me? Nah. I'd blush like an idiot if I met him, just like I did when I nearly met Alan Rickman, who is way too old for me. Pretty boys are nice, no matter their age. I'm human. And I love vampires. So nyah.

Happy to Be Alive Day!

As I posted my Twilight blurb, I saw today's date and remembered that it is a holiday for me.
Sixteen years ago, I tried to kill myself. A stupid boy was the proverbial straw, but I had been depressed for a while and remained so for some time. Thankfully, I didn't want to die that bad, because I went to work and told my boss about the pills I'd taken. And I had my wonderful family and loving friends to pick me back up, dust me off (sometimes a little too roughly, sheesh! aggressive much?) and kick my butt back into the world.
I can't say I've never looked back, but I am very happy and know how to wrestle my depression to the ground when I need to do so.

So, be happy to be alive! I am!

Also, happy birthday to Greg Smith, wherever he is.

Twihard (I guess. I don't know.)

I'm working on a semi-coherent, thoughtful entry on Twilight: the books, the movie, the phenomenon. Stay tuned.

For now, be content with RPattz.

Tourette's Tics Me Off

Last week, Seth and I watched a TV movie called Front of the Class, about a man with a pretty harsh case of Tourette's who became an elementary school teacher after much heartache.
The movie was only okay- it was a Hallmark Hall of Fame. It was inspiring. You know. But I cried a LOT because it was so hard to watch the progression of this guy with some really bad tics all the way from elementary school through finally getting a teaching job. People were mean to him, he was told he was doing it on purpose, he embarrassed his dad, annoyed people. It was awful.

My husband's case of Tourette's is nowhere near the level of this guy's, but I still am embarrassed by him sometimes. If he's making noise in church, I want him to stop because I don't want him to bother the people around him. I also don't want people to think poorly of him; that he's just a loud guy being weird or inappropriate. I do act sometimes like he can control it. He can, to a certain extent, but it's hard, it stresses him out, and it just makes it worse after a while.

I hated seeing that poor little boy get yelled at or shunned by his own dad because of his tics. I hate the thought that I make my husband feel crummy with a look or gesture when I wish he wasn't ticking. I don't want to be that person. I've tried for a while to cultivate in myself the quality of not caring what people think. To abandon obsession with appearance, making sure everyone likes me and my husband, always appearing smart and put-together. He doesn't care what people think, and he knows that the people that matter know what's going on. Some people never even notice until they're told. Usually at my prompting, because I think that he's being conspicuous and I don't want people to judge him (by which, of course, I mean me).

I guess this is a confession. I don't want to be like this. I know that I don't have to be. Only the Holy Spirit can remind me and nudge me and make the change in my heart.

My Big Dog is Funny

I'm not entirely used to him yet regarding his letting me know he has to go outside. He just comes near and stares at you. Often with his usual full-body tail wag. But he'll stare quite persistently, which isn't completely out of the ordinary, because he's quite a needy and forceful guy. Thankfully, he won't just go on the floor, at least night right away.

What is funny about us as dog owners is that even though he always looks the same, I'm sure, we are quite certain that he makes faces and has "looks". We think this about the little dog, too, but Underwood uses his eyebrows to much greater effect.

Part of the problem

Part of the problem with my sleep troubles is that due to allergies & a deviated septum, I am a mouth breather. Mouth breathing leads to thirst, which leads to lots of drinks at night, which leads to more peeing. So, I try to go to bed, but then I have to pee. I'm thirsty, too, so I drink water while peeing. Then I toddle back to bed. Wait an hour or so (or less!) and repeat. Do it again later.

Spinning along

"Rock Lobster" is a really great song for the stationary bike. Probably good for real biking, too. Keep with the beat, go crazy at the crazy parts, slow down when it does. A most excellent 7 minutes.

Hot, tranny mess

Maybe this should go under the posting of "things I learned," but it doesn't quite fit. I mean, I know that there is a difference between transgendered and drag. Perhaps since I have never had to make that distinction on the ground, it didn't click in my head. A few weeks ago I ate at this restuarant, where I was told there would be drag queens. I was pretty excited to go, I tell you. I was going with the Kiwis and Paula (woman originally from Dearborn, now living in SF!), none of whom had ever been there. I even went to the website to check out prices before I went, and it still didn't click that these weren't going to be drag queens.
They were trannies. Bad lip-synchers. Many seemed depressed. Dressed like Mariah Carey on her most hoochie-mama, too-much lipstick kinda day. I'm sure it's insensitive of me, and maybe it's just because they're new to me, but many struck me as sad, confused boys. And they made me confused and sad.
I guess I've never been fully able to wrap my head around people who want to be the opposite gender; to deny who they are. I know that lots will say that to live any other way would be to deny who they are, but I cannot believe that that phenomenon-truly feeling trapped in the wrong body- is as common as it would seem looking around.
I must admit that I have half a mind to take this post down. Like I shouldn't offer my thoughts on the matter and be labeled a self-righteous hater or something. But a) it's my blog. b) I don't expect everyone to agree with me or understand all that I do, so others shouldn't expect the same from me.

What I've Learned Lately

1) I'm happier being outside than being inside. I was going to say, "I like being outside better," but that's not completely true. The lazy flesh wants to stay inside, vegetate, be fat and unhappy. Without fail, though, as soon as I step outside, I'm happier and feel better. I've known for a while that I need the sun, but I'm pleased to see that it's just the outdoors in general.
It hit me more clearly a couple weeks ago when I got up, was exhausted and foggy, and I needed a Coke, but there was none in the house. I got in the car to drive to Jack in the Box for a Coke, but I really didn't need it by the time I got there. Once I left my house, I was feeling more awake and chipper.
I've always wanted to be Outdoor Girl, and I believe that I finally am her!

2) Perception is NOT reality. I've said the opposite in the past, and I think that the opposite is true as far as our actions and psychology go, but we really need to get back to focusing on the actual reality of the situations. Where did I have this revelation? At the Exploratorium.
We were going through all the visual experiments, and I learned about the nerves on the backs of our eyes. They are ALWAYS in our field of vision, but our brains block them out. Now, I've heard things like this before, and I know that our brains fill in our blind spots with what they're pretty sure is there. I also know concretely from Carson and other places that we have messed up perceptions of our bodies. It's just that it finally hit me in a real way as a scientific fact, not just psychological mumbo jumbo. The way I think of and see my body isn't necessarily real. It's not what's actually there.
That can go either way in my case, because I often think I'm totally adorable, and then I see a picture and change my mind. So which is real? The cute or the hateful captured in the picture? And other days I feel super ugly in person, or I can get a picture that I love.
But I had to sit there and gather myself and try to not cry in the children's museum because it finally hit me that our eyes and minds lie to us. I kind of think it's great.

Lactic Acid!

We went to Yosemite with a group from church last Thursday-Sunday. Camping, frolicking in rivers, etc, etc. It was good. One of the most beautiful places on the planet, I'm sure.
So...
Saturday morning, we got up (I won't say "woke" because I didn't sleep) at 4:30 so we could potty, grab our lunches and breakfasts we made the night before, try not to wake up the non-Half Domers, and get out of there. The point in starting so FREAKING early was to be out as little as possible in the 100 degree weather. Believe me, I was out there anyway.

Anyway. Nervous, wishing that more bathroom-ing had been done, I hit the trail with my group around 6:30am. We were the slowest of our 3 groups heading up, but we were really the average speed. Nevertheless, we had to put up with radio shenanigans and trash-talking from the fastest (read: psychotic) group at various points throughout the day.

Even within the first mile or so, it was the hardest thing I'd done. Here's the trail: I can tell you that it sucked.
After this steepness, there are stone stairs of various heights going up to the first waterfall. ..That sucked, too. Do you sense a theme? In case you don't, I'll spell it out: The Theme Is- Suck, Pain, Fear, Beauty, and Triumph. (I jumped a head a little bit.)

Anywhoodle, two waterfalls, lots of stairs/rocks/rubble. Fear of neck-breakage. About 6200' up, there is Little Yosemite Valley, which was great. It doesn't appear that anyone took any pictures, probably because when you get to it, you're so thrilled to have flat ground, that your head is filled with delusions of speed and making good time.

After a while of traipsing across flat (yeah!) stretches of sandy (yuck!) trail, it starts heading up again through the trees. It's all very lovely- the trees looked like cartoons, they were so bright copper on their bark. Big trees, rocks, sloping hills. It's quite lovely. We knew we were stopping to rest at a spring so that we could get some more water, and we were expecting a lovely, burbling pond, something we could maybe put our feet in. Nope. It was a puddle. Barely noticeable. But a spring it was, and we were able to pump out some cold water to refill our bags and bottles. Most of us had already drank about 2.5 liters.

Around mile 5.5 or 6, you can see the dome and the cables that you have to use to go up them. This? is not heartening. It feels so far away, and also reminds you of the insane task you are undertaking.
At the bottome of the dome part, there are the stairs called Quarter Dome. Here's a picture I swiped from May's facebook: . The picture makes it look a bit tamer than it was. You may be able to tell that it is a series of switchbacks made of stone, often on the edge and making me feel like I'm going to fall to my death!

I went up these stairs mostly on my hands and knees. I'm not sure how much of that was necessity versus fear. Again, they were all different sizes, some with gravel on them, some slippery, all steep and scary. The altitude mixed with fear also made my breathing pretty wonky. After a while I had to sit down every 10 feet or so, even though I tried to just power through and get the dang thing over with. When resting at one point, I just started crying. I was so scared, and I didn't want to keep going. I didn't want to go down, either, though, and that was a problem. The marvelous Sylvia encouraged me, though, and assured me that I could do it and I was just tired. I also knew that no helicopter was going to rescue me from my perch, so I forged on.

In my mind, I was waiting to see the cables up-close, look at the angle, and then I would decide if I was going to make it to the top. This is what I saw:

And I decided not to do it. There is a wider part before the cables that you can't see here, and I sat on a rock near some friends who had already made it up and down again, and I was content to wait there for my group. When Korie came to ask me why I wasn't going, I just started crying again. I was more scared than I think I've ever been. I just couldn't do it. But the marvelous Thomas (you've heard of Thomas & Sylvia in my tales of Mexico) came up and asked me if I wanted to just try it. He said that he'd go with me, and I could just get out on the rock and go as far as I wanted, then turn around. I agreed that I wanted to try, and we set out. Thomas got all Zen Master on me and told me that I was not to look to the right or to the left, but only at my feet, the rock, and the next board. I would only hear his voice, and he would clip & unclip me from the line.

There are 2 cables coming 400' from the top of the rock down to the base, and you're mostly using your arms to pull yourself up. Every 8' or so, there are two poles with a wooden plank between them- these are where you can rest. Sort of mini-goals that seem to be 10 miles when you're out there. The incline is probably about a 45-degree angle at first, and then it gets steeper. Most people go between these two cables and slowly pull themselves up, but Thomas told us all that he would rather we only held one cable because it's not as slippery on the outside, and it's more stable just holding on to one. I think that all us fearful folk ignored him at first and started between the cables. I thought it would be better to be behind people, then I could just concentrate on the back in front of me, and not look up. The problem with that was that there was a bit of a traffic jam. I was going to wig out if we didn't move, so I went on the outside of the cables with Thomas. Then I was a woman on a mission. I was passing people like crazy, because I just wanted the thing to be over!! I would hurriedly pull myself to the next pole and hold on to it for dear life while Thomas calmly told me to take a drink of water and get my breathing under control. Like on the stairs before, I was almost hyperventilating. One of the poles was loose in its hole, and I almost had a heart attack, I tell you.

Like in races, everyone on the whole mountain is like one, big team. Everyone encourages one another, so I had plenty of people, including my friends on the way down, telling me how great I was doing, how close I was, etc. I finally had to tell one stranger who said, "You're almost there!" (without looking at him, of course. The pattern of that granite is etched on my brain.) that people kept telling me that I was almost there, yet I was most assuredly still on that rock. Finally, 7 hours after leaving the trailhead, I was on top of Half Dome.

It really is quite beautiful up there, and I have a huge sense of accomplishment, but I don't think I'm saying, "Oh, it was totally worth it!" It sucked. And the suckage wasn't even over yet.

After about 15 minutes up top, it was thundering, and we had to head back down. I was not thrilled with this, either. Thomas did his Zen mojo on the way down, and I slid/hopped down backwards, with only 1 or 2 near-death moments. My foot slid and kind of flew out at one point, some of those boards felt MUCH farther away than the others, oy. It was rough. Then we had the stairs again. The beautiful thing, though, is that pretty much nothing is scary after that. Hard and painful? Sure. But not as scary as on the way up. It's just that going down irregular, slippery steps is much harder, at least for the short girl with bad knees, than going up. Basically, Thomas walked in front of me, I had my hands on his backpack, and I baby-stepped each one. On the regular trails, I was great. I jogged, I was ahead of people, but those stairs kicked my butt. I would say that they added at least 45 minutes to my time. Knees on fire, being force-fed shot blocks every once in a while, I made it. About 4.5 hours to get down.

After the last of the stairs, I got to that steep, paved trail I pictured up above. Everything in me wanted to just run all the way to the bottom- I was FREE of those evil stairs! I wanted to get to dinner! I wanted to see my husband! Jogging downhill is so much easier on my knees than walking! But I felt like an ingrate running off and leaving Thomas & Sylvia, who had helped me so much. So I ran a bit, then I sat and waited for them.

We had been under the impression that the other groups had already moved on to the pizza place for dinner because they had led us to believe so via radio. The Irreverend Mark even thought he was a funny guy and radioed to say that Seth had broken his other ankle. Plus, you burn an ENORMOUS amount of fuel doing this. We were eating almost non-stop, and my stomach still growled on the way up and the way down. We figured that everyone else would be racing to dinner. But as I neared the bottom, I almost cried when I saw almost everyone at the end of the trail, jumping and yelling and holding a toilet paper finish line. I thought, "I have good friends!" and started running for them
It was all high-fives, pictures, cheers, and hugs.
Everyone was quite impressed that Seth had been sitting in his chair at the trailhead, waiting for me for about 5 hours. He got to be everyone's welcome team, and they started the finish line about halfway through.

We stuck our feet in the painfully cold river, which was good and bad, and then walked the mile or so over to dinner. (It never ends!)

My feet hurt so bad that I couldn't fall asleep until Benadryl knocked me out, I now have a stress fracture, and every muscle in my body hurt for about 5 days, but I did it!

My official "I made it to the top!" t-shirt tells me the stats: 17 miles (gps says 20, though), 4800' elevation gain, 8842' above sea level. In 12 hours, which I'm told is a "nice" pace. Argh. I'm sure that many of you are braver, stronger, taller, in better shape, smarter, saner than I, but I will tell you that climbing this mountain was the hardest thing I've ever done- mentally or physically.
When buying my t-shirt the next day, the girl in the store looked at us, asked if we had done Half Dome the previous day, and then said with a strange look on her face, "You're doing alarmingly well." Rock!

Will I ever do it again? Doubtful. I sort of want to, but those stairs are the worst. There is a trail that may skip most of them. If that's true, I'll probably do it again. It definitely would have to be a group effort, though. Most of us would have turned back without a second thought if it hadn't been for our friends.
(Read Marks' blog for some deep thoughts on this.)

So many things to talk about!

I've been a slacker here, and I'm sorry for that. Too much going on; too brain dead at the end of most days to write here. I'm not going to write a lot now, even, but I wanted to post my intentions.

1) I will finish the tale of boot camp with the dog, and I hope to get up some pictures.
2) I will talk briefly about our vacation to Nevada & the family. Definitely pictures.
3) I will write a long, overly-descriptive entry on our trip to Yosemite and the fact that I summited Half Dome against strong odds. Pictures.

Woohoo!

Oh, this dog is good.
Today we went to the mall, and it appears that one of the magic ingredients in getting Underwood to listen is being in the real world! He does not care for our repetition at school where he knows darn well that he can do it and doesn't need to prove it to us, thank you very much.
I felt like it was a special place where anything could happen. He did things without me having to act insane, he did things that he had never done before- it was awesome. He is going to be an amazing service dog.
I also know that he's doing better because our bond is a little tighter. He has started wagging his tail a bit more around me, and he's making more eye contact as opposed to rolling his eyes.
I'm also learning patience and not to micro-manage. Being that we're never supposed to let them get away with not listening, I have to choose whether or not I really need to tell him to do something right now. If we're just standing there and he's fine, I don't need to have him sit. I think that this is something that will spread to my whole life, too. I want to fine-tune and control everything, which is one of the reasons I don't like being around kids.
I'm also happy because I wasn't forced to give back his service dog cape, so we can go out and I can take him to church tomorrow. They just really don't want the actual clients do go out yet, since they can't control their dogs if anything were to happen. I could run after him or tackle him if I needed to, but someone in a wheelchair who doesn't have much experience with their dog couldn't take care of as much yet.
Now, we're off the the park for a walk/run. It will be interesting to be out with a big dog!

Underwood

Today was day 5 of my mock-client training with a service dog. I. am. exhausted.
Lemme see if I can formulate coherent thoughts as to why this is so:
Every day, all day, I'm thinking, I'm being watched, I'm having mostly failures with some successes thrown in, I'm being encouraged or critiqued, and I'm having to lead.
I've been paired with a one year-old yellow lab named Underwood, and he is a VERY good boy- very sweet, well-mannered, and low-key. Part of the problem is his extreme low-key-ness mixed with the fact that he's young and has never had to work this much before. He's not one of those happy, waggy dogs who want to please you and await your every command. I have to fight to get his attention, repeat the commands a few times, and usually get extremely hyper and act insane in order to get him to really pay attention and do it. Or I need to offer him treats, which isn't all that great. Did I mention that I'm doing this in a wheelchair? I thought I did.
I know that there are worse problems to have-- he could be really hyper and hard to have around, but he is the complete opposite. I brought him home for the first time last night, and there was not one lick of misbehavior. He did wake me up for breakfast at 6am, but it was by very politely putting his chin on my leg, and we were able to go back to bed after.
We're attached to one another for the next week or so, and our bond should be forming very soon. I know that once he feels more connected to me, he'll be much more willing to pay attention to me and do what I say. It just makes for frustrating, tiring days right now.
He is a sweetie, though. We curled up on the couch last night for a while, he twice tried to jump up on the bed with me, he lives to "shake", and he is crashed out on the floor next to me as I type.
Tomorrow we have our first field trip--we're going to the mall for coffee, walking around in a civilized manner, and lunch in a restaurant. If we were a real service team, I wouldn't be allowed to leave the house other than that for the weekend. We're supposed to be bonding. Have I been told that I need to do that? Yes. Am I working on getting out of that? Yes. I want to take this boy to church! I'll let you know how the next week goes.

Trepidation

I'm starting something a smidge intimidating tomorrow. I'm going to be in a wheelchair for most of two weeks, bonding and training with a service dog. There will also be some real clients there getting training with their new dogs, so that won't be awkward at all. "Hey this pretending to be handicapped during the day, except for when I have to go to the bathroom, this is hard!"
I'm looking forward to it, though. It's supposed to be very eye-opening, and I'm glad to finally get some training with the dogs, after 2.5 years of hanging around the joint! So, during the days this week, we'll have classwork- some lectures, lots of practice. Then, starting Saturday, the dreaded field trips. Going on a bus, to the movies, out to eat, to the mall, etc. There is a final exam in the mall, which I've been a spy/judge for before. No pressure.
Starting Wednesday, I'll be bringing a dog home with me, and I'm supposed to be the only one to feed, look at, touch the dog, etc. That's for creating that intense bond and starting life as a team. I'm not sure how much I'll be expected to do that. I'm supposed to be tied to the dog 24/7, minus showers. We'll see.
We'll see how Tootsie reacts to a big dog in her house, and how hard it will be for me to bond with a dog and then let it not actually be mine. But I can always see him/her at work. If I get paired with my favorite dog, though, there's going to be a showdown about giving her back, I tell you.
Why are non-handicapped people paired with dogs and going through this training? It's so that both our students and the dogs can get as much practice with this as possible. I'm probably going to have 2 of the seminar students (they're learning how to train the service dogs and start their own organization) as my teaching team during the two weeks. And it's a learning experience- to get a tiny taste of what life in a chair is like, how people see you. Joy(?).
Hopefully, I'll get some pictures to put up. I'll let you know how it goes.

Middle Class Dream

I went into Costco on Tuesday and there was some sort of tasting jamboree going on. Two rows, back to back, of juices, meats, nachos, etc. I thought about resisting, but that didn't make any sense. So, I ate dinner for free, entertained the idea of buying a #10 can of nacho cheese, and got the lettuce I had gone in for.

Sleepy Bible Verses

It seems that a number of people happen upon my blog when looking for a godly response to insomnia. These are verses that I found years ago, when I was barely sleeping. It was actually when I started this blog, and I'm surprised that I didn't post these back then.

Psalm 3:5 I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.

Psalms 4:8 I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

Psalms 127:2 In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat, for he grants sleep to those he loves.

Proverbs 3:23 [If you preserve sound judgment & discernment] ...when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trust in you.

2 Corinthians 6:4-6 Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love;

Romans 8:6 The mind controlled by the sinful nature is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.

I'm currently in a period of messed-up sleep, but I know that it's not the end of the world. Of course, I don't have kids or work to worry about. But pray these verses, and look up other ones about resting in God. It's going to be okay. Maybe some of the things we think are urgent and important aren't that high on God's priority list for us.

Let a person make a friggin' mistake already!

Good golly, I'm tired of the media. The endless coverage and scrutiny of every, single thing that barely matters has gotten completely stupid. What I'm specifically tired of is everyone having to apologize for every mistake they make, every time they put their foot in their mouth, every time they fart in their kitchen.

What kind of people are David Hasselhoff's daughters that they would put a video of their dad stumbling around drunk on the internet? Why are Hulk Hogan's private conversations with his incarcerated son being taped and leaked? Why do all the candidates have to apologize for having any opinions that some might disagree with? (I'm even defending Hillary here.) Why is firing a staffer the only way to make up for a dumb comment?

I feel like my eyes are going to roll all the way back into my head and I won't be able to dislodge them. I'm especially susceptible because I'm actually into the campaigns...why do I lie? I'm into Obama's campaign. But I'm checking the news more often, reading stories about the election, and checking out headlines in general. Therefore, I'm seeing more of the silliness.

Can all journalists and politicians PLEASE just get their panties out of a knot and let people be themselves? I know, it's not going to happen. Not with multiple round-the-clock news stations and Nancy Pelosi on the case.

Here! Have a cryptic post.

I'm being a little bit obsessive and insane, and I'd love for it to stop.

Kai Ryssdal sounds hot

So, I realized the other day that I've thought this for a while. Have you listened to Marketplace on NPR? Try it. Anyway, I'm posting this after figuring out how the heck to spell his name, but before looking for a picture.

I'm going to look for a picture now to confirm or refute my thoughts on his hotness. Here goes:

He's alright. Probably cuter in person than in the slanty photos favored on the website. Fairly handsome man. (Bah. Look for yourself, I don't want to search again for the link.)

Go, Obama, go!

That's all I have for now on that topic.

Our BFF, China

I know I'm a little behind on this post, but I couldn't wrangle up the energy to do it last week.
My question is this: Why is anyone surprised that things aren't going smoothly for the Olympics in China?
They're still communists; they still aren't free; they still have horrible human rights abuses; they still kill their daughters; etc, etc. It's just that our über-capitalist governments here in the West have decided that since they now have money to spend, the kids must be alright. "Oh, you want our imports now? Sure thing, friend!"
Do I think that boycotting the Olympics would accomplish anything? Actually, I do. If it was backed up by our government asking China some hard questions and expecting some action. Is this going to happen? Nah. So my love for the Olympics overrides this and figures that the athletes who have worked so hard for this should be able to go ahead and accomplish their dreams. Maybe the media will actually draw attention to the crap going on there.

A Consistent Ethic of Life

One of the things that I learned a bit more about this past quarter was having a "consistent ethic of life". This is something that the Catholic church is good at adhering to- caring about people from womb to grave and all the points in between. So this would pan out as being against abortion, euthanasia, war, and capital punishment. It would also be reflected in supporting people at all stages of life, helping deliver from oppression and poverty, and generally valuing the soul of every, single person as a reflection of God's image, no matter how distorted it may be.

On the surface, I can whole-heartedly say, "Yes! Count me in! This describes me!" But every once in a while something comes up where I can tell that it isn't all the way in me. Today I read a news story about a man who put his baby girl in the microwave. THE MICROWAVE. And this is after punching her and putting her in the hotel safe and fridge. My gut reaction is wanting this man to be dispatched to his eternal reward immediately. But is that right? God wants this sicko's soul just as much as he wants and cherishes mine. At the same time, God has historically known and acted when someone is a lost cause. I've been against the death penalty since I first investigated it in high school, but these thoughts I have make me question my loyalty to that. Gimme a break, I was even sad when Sadaam Hussein was executed because that was a human being created in God's image who was killed. I have no idea why I had more sympathy for him than this guy in Texas.

In any discussion of pacifism, there is always the elephant in the room: Hitler. If I believe that war is always wrong, then do I think that we should have just let Hitler go on his merry way, praying that the Christians in Europe would get their heads out of their asses and rise up? (Non-violently, of course). No. I think.

This is where labels fall apart and we realize that as much as we would like to be consistent and never veer towards hypocrisy, we're humans who live in a screwed-up and complicated world. I could just make life easier and say that I'm in the Just-Peacemaking camp (see Kingdom Ethics), which I mostly think is an awesome philosophy. It just seems that the Bible is pretty clear about the whole peace thing and that all of our efforts are to justify our human tendencies towards war and violence. Then again, we are humans, and we cannot possibly live up to all that God wants of us.

Does that mean we give up? Not at all. I will try as much as I can to have a consistent ethic of life and honor the God of Justice and Mercy. Being that I am not personally responsible for executing anyone, I'll stick to what is in my sphere of influence: trying to alleviate suffering, praying, and voting in ways that will decrease poverty and oppression. It's truly is the Best thing I can do.

I have returned.

Oh, the exciting posts I have in mind!!!
It's really too bad that's not true. I recall having a few deep thoughts over Lent, and I even thought about sending in some posts via e-mail, but those thoughts have fled.

What did I do with my fast? I didn't really clean any more or do all the wonderful things I thought about doing, but I think that I felt more rested. I didn't feel like even my free time was rushed. I noticed it especially when I started researching for my paper, which was a full-time job. I spent so much stinkin' time looking at denominational websites, reading position papers, resolutions, family experiences, scriptural analysis, and insane rants. I read and read and read, finally writing a 23-page paper. That was finished about 12 hours before I left for Mexico, after an all-nighter, followed by the drive to Mexico, building a house, thinking all week and feeling half-stupid/half-smart, driving back, cleaning stuff the next day, Easter the day after that, now day 2 of work post-vacation.

This year's Mexico trip was fan-frikkin-tastic, after a rocky start, that is. Rocky due to near-freezing temperatures the first night in camp, which none of us were prepared for. Knees throbbing and shivering all night, I seriously wanted to be home and never return. Thankfully, the awesome Howie provided an extra sleeping bag to me and two others, and we did not, in fact, freeze to death.

The family we worked with was wonderful, and we will definitely see them again. They were fun to be with and worked their tails off all week. I nicknamed the dad, "Enrique, the Construction Machine". I had a mostly great time with my Spanish, and was particularly pleased that many on our team spoke some Spanish and were able to interact with the family. I'll post some pictures later this week.

I also had a great time getting to know people from church, which I expected. I really like having time out of our normal context to chat with people and talk about things that would never come up at lunch after church or even in a movie evening at a friend's house. (Lots of bodily functions discussed, but that's not all that I mean.) When you're in this type of situation where you get to hang out with people 24 hours per day, sweating and working and cooking together, it almost skips a few steps in the normal friendship ladder so that you're more like family then you were before. I love it. I hope that I was fun to be with and someone people want to be close to.

That paper I wrote for class: it was on gay marriage, and it was very difficult. Reading all the different things that people post on the topic can be emotionally exhausting. In the end, I've decided that I am in favor of equal marriage for gay and straight couples. You can call it marriage, you can call it civil unions, as long as it's equal. Let the government give everyone the same rights, and churches can marry whom they want and refuse whom they want. All fair, nothing forced. Perhaps I'll try to boil my paper down to a blog-appropriate length so you can understand my reasoning. These two spots give you a good idea, though. I don't completely agree with everything said on both, but they really impacted me and made me weep:
Musings On and Justin from GayChristian.net.

After 2.5 days of being back on the internet, I'm not really sure how I feel. I kind of don't like it, so I may try to set some more restrictions on myself. I've tried before, but it may actually work this time, because I've seen the stark difference between my days with and without hours online.

I do hope to write more, though. It's good for me, and keeps the Slacker's Prince up on my mind's wanderings.

Hasta la pascua

I'm giving up the internet for Lent.  I've tried variations on this in the past, and I've tried to limit my online time, but this time I'm really doing it.  I am going to check my e-mail once per day, and I will do my online Bible study every day, but that's it.  Unless something is necessary, there will be no blogging, no posting on chat pages, no checking the weather, myspace, reader, etc etc. 

Oh! And now that I thought of it, no logging into the bank account every day.  That will be good for us.  Let him do it. Let me chill out.

I believe this will be good for me.  I've felt like I've been drowning the past four months; like my life is falling apart around me.  In the face of this, I've been avoiding as many commitments as I can, I've not been taking care of my house, and I've been vegging a lot.  I would like to take more time to interact with my husband instead of us both doing separate things.  I would like to read more, do more dishes, go to a friend's house more often.  I just need to restructure my free time a little bit to still be free, but not so across-the-board useless.  I often go online first thing in the morning and, before I know it, it's time to leave the house and I haven't eaten, read my Bible, or really done anything.  No more!!  

My prayer is that God will show me what can and should be pruned.  That I'll get a clearer focus on what is important and when, after Easter, I let myself back on the webs, it will be in moderation and with a purpose being wasting time.

thirtysomething

I've been thinking about throwing thirtysomething on my  queue, but I'm sort of afraid.  

"Afraid?" you ask.  "Why would you be afraid?"

Well, when the show was on, I thought that the people on it looked terribly old and I couldn't really believe that they were only in their thirties.  And I still think of those actors as quite old.  The issue is this: I'm in my thirties.  What if, when I watch it, they don't still look old to me, but they look like babies or something?  Or what if I totally recognize myself in these people I thought were old?  

Every once in a while, someone thinks that I'm in my twenties.  I just want to freeze those moments and carry them around with me.  

Discipline

I'm too tired to get deep right now, but I'm learning a lot and changing as a result of being an athlete. It started almost 2 years ago, when I started training for my 1/2 marathon, and it's only gotten stronger. More accurately, it has been jump-started by my training for a triathlon, which I'll be doing in May. Since I have specific goals which are fairly lofty goals, at least for me, I have to be disciplined with my time and training. I can't blow off going to the gym or to the park, because I have a goal in sight. It also helps that you sink a fair amount of money in registering for these races, because that keeps you going, too.
I just need to translate this sense of discipline into all the areas of my life. I need to voice or write down more clearly my educational, spiritual, household, and friendship goals. Not that all of those areas will have tangible endpoints- I'll get X amount more holy and make 3 more good friends and then I'm done!- but if I know what I want out of my life more than making it from day to day, I can maybe better correct my lazy tendencies or prune things that are getting in the way of those goals. If I clarify that I want to pay more attention to these 2 friends for a while or clean my kitchen every week (gotta start somewhere ;) ), I can make better choices that move toward those ends.

Check out my training blog if you haven't yet. There's a link over there--->
You'll hear about my second 1/2 marathon which is in 10 days, and also my successes on the way to my first triathlon!

TV and Movies and Heath Ledger- a disjointed post

Happiness: Saw Juno and loved loved loved it. Not as cutesy as I thought it would be, very well-acted and written, touching, funny, just great.
We watched the one and only season of Wonderfalls, and it was also great. Makes me mad at stupid Fox for never supporting their good shows, and for not making it clear at the time that it was totally different than Joan of Arcadia, to which this show is far superior (even though I did occasionally enjoy JoA.) Rent it, you'll like it. They did a pretty decent job of providing closure, so that I can enjoy the one season without feeling completely ripped off.

Ugh. Heath Ledger. It's just sad, and I've already talked about how messed up Hollywood is and that these are real people who are really broken. Pray for them, when you think of it. Pray for Britney and her children. I'm serious.

The weirdest spot in the gym

It's the hot tub. Of course, I haven't been in the steam room, and that may be stranger, but the hot tub is pretty weird. It's a spot where you should be totally relaxed and pleased, but it's really just a frothy pot full of strangers trying not to look at each other or their collected dirt floating on the foam. I don't think I'll go back.

Yay for crippled dogs!

I was overjoyed to see a woman running along the marina in SF with both a 3-legged dog and a dachshund on wheels. So cute!

No, thank you?

On a whim today, I got my eyebrows waxed. It's been quite a while, so I felt fine with a mini-splurge, and was thrilled to finally get it done. As the girl was finishing up, she asked if I wanted a lip wax. WHA???!!!
Like most women, I'm fairly self-critical and invent flaws where there are none, but I've NEVER entertained the notion that I've had hair on my lip, at least not enough that it would merit removing.
Should I have offered her some makeup remover, perhaps? Yes, that's all I got. The only rip I could offer. She was wearing a fair amount of makeup. While I was walking in the rain to the library looking like a slob in very little makeup. Perhaps the frizz of my hair was casting a shadow on my face.
Whatever.

I never claimed to be quick on the uptake.

I finally noticed that my car's antenna wasn't extended, so I pulled it out yesterday.
Voila! Radio stations! It's only been 11 months that I've had the car.


I will write more soon. I've had passing thoughts, but not the time nor energy to expand upon them.

A serving of seconds, and some recommendations

On Thanksgiving, I rode the motorcycle again, and it was much more successful. Cousin K and I went out for about 20 minutes, and she just led me all over- down rutted hills, over rocks and branches, up other bumpy hills. It was quite awesome. I did well with the shifting, and I was excited, but I was also ready for it to be over. It was strange how my brain was working- I think that some kids are like that with too much stimulation. "This is fun. I want to do it again soon, but let's be done now."

Most of the family went out to the desert to ride on Black Friday, and it sounds like it was a ton of fun, but I was not about to get up at the b.c.o.d. to head out there for a long day with the kids and grandpa. They went to Cabela's at 6am, then went riding. Another time. Although I was willing to embrace my tough-girl feelings and continue with a motorcycle-filled weekend, I opted for a girly-girl day of shopping, dinner, and movies with teenage cousins L & N. That was also lots of fun.

My second second is the the running! I'm a little confused- could be lack of oxygen to my brain while running (it was all diverted to the stitch in my side and my legs), but I may have run a mile tonight on the treadmill. Anyway, I ran for 10 minutes, which is a new record and longer BY FAR than I've ever run before, other than the aforementioned 9-minute, downhill mile. Now that I look at those numbers, I doubt that I ran a mile today, because my sweaty self figured out that I was running around an 11-minute mile while I was going at it. In short (too late)- I'm excited.

You must see: Enchanted
It is surprisingly good, funny, sweet, nice, catchy, etc, etc.
You must listen to: the soundtrack for Across the Universe. I realized how much I like Beatles music, especially as good covers. The lead actor, Jim Sturgess, has a lovely, clear voice extremely reminiscent of Ewan McGregor's. I love the soundtrack for itself (went straight to the store to buy it after giving it a listen online), but it also makes me want to listen to Moulin Rouge, which is my current all-time #1 favorite soundtrack(s) and maybe CD, period. Will it be moving to #2? We'll see.

In other news: both cars died this week. His is fixed, mine not yet. Got to kick-start my scooter, which also made me feel terribly tough. Looking forward to being in MI for Christmas- I think. I'll be very glad to see people and relax in my mom's house, but I don't relish the cold. Oh well.

A weekend of firsts

This past weekend we went to visit the cousins and I ended up doing a couple things I had never done: I ran a mile, and I rode a motorcycle.
Both were exciting in their own ways, but I will say that was happier about the mile. It was mostly downhill, but not entirely, and it was still quite hard. Even when I started the run, I didn't quite think that I would make it, but as I knew I was getting closer to the end, I was able to push past the wanting to puke phase. I was quite delighted, let me tell you. Plus, I did it in only 9 minutes! Someday soon, I'll be running a mile on flat terrain. Yippee!
The motorcycle was successful, in that I didn't fall, but not smooth at all. Even though I know how to drive a manual car, I was unable to really put that knowledge together with my hands and feet on the bike. I'm used to my scooter, which is an automatic and like a bicycle in that both handles are brakes, so I couldn't put it all together and get it straight that I wanted to use one foot and one hand to brake, I forgot to let off the gas when I shifted- which resulted in a cool/scary wheelie thing once, and I kept wanting the clutch to be my rear brake. Argh. I'll practice more this weekend when I go out for the giving of thanks. And I'll wear a helmet, which will make me more comfortable. Don't worry, I wasn't on a road. I was on the hill/compound of the family, on a slow-moving dirtbike.

I ended up leaving Husband-o-mine there to visit for the week while I came home to go to work and school. It's been nice to have the house to myself a little bit, but nothing has felt that different. I'm still crazy busy and, hopefully, I'll manage my time better this long weekend so that I don't just bask in the time off and then feel screwed when I go to class Monday. That's what happened last weekend.

A note to the Slacker's Prince: I'll be seeing you on Christmas, my dear!
Coming up: political thoughts which I have avoided up until now.

Beautiful Fall (more drooling thoughts on California)

It's fall in California, much like it is everywhere else in the northern hemisphere, and it is so beautiful. I love all the red and orange leaves, especially contrasted with leaves that are still green, with a few redwoods standing watch, a lone palm tree once in a while looking at the rest in confusion.

Today I was watching leaves fall from some trees, and it was both cool and sad. It's so strange to see a tree still holding most of its leaves lose so many at one time- How does that happen? How do they know? Why do some give up before others? No, I don't want or need the scientific explanation; I pretty much know it. But watching it happen sort of makes rational explanation irrelevant- there's magic and sentience in the fluttering, gold descent, not just cell disintegration and trapped glucose. I think it would be both an awesome and sad thing to sit under trees and watching while the wind blew off all their leaves in one short time period.

The vineyards in fall are so beautiful. The leaves turn the same range of colors as the trees, and you can have deep crimson, almost purple, leaves right across the street from yellow and orange ones. The hills covered in vines take on a different look and texture, as if they'd changed clothes, and it's sometimes disorienting because I feel like I'm on the wrong road or something because so many different things are standing out than when it's all green.

There was a large fox in front of a vineyard we drove by the other day. I believe it's only the 2nd fox I've ever seen not in a zoo. The first one was on the campus of UM-D, as I was coming out of the library at midnight (during finals) and there was brand-new snow everywhere. The fox ran by and I know this sounds SUPER corny, but it felt like a gift. I think that you know what I'm talking about- there's always something magical about fresh snow at night, especially if you're one of the only people around. That's not something I get to experience anymore, unless I should choose to go to snow in the winter, but the majestic hills and ocean are a fair trade.

Some thoughts I Found

I found a piece of paper in a book yesterday, and I thought it was a reaction to the book Finally Feminist by John Stackhouse, because I have that written at the top of the paper, but upon looking at the amazon page for that book, it looks like I didn't read it but I have it on my TBR list. I'm thinking then, that it is a reaction to either an article I was reading in Christianity Today or to the book A Generous Orthodoxy, which I've mentioned here before. Without editing for grammar or anything, here are my thoughts:

I am (maybe?) post-modern in that I defy category (including p.m.) & old, over-arching definitions or ways of thought, but I do not deny ultimate truth, nor am I relativistic. Sort of like anti-Big Government. I don't need your Big Church or Big Religion. No, we can't grasp Him completely, but that doesn't mean we throw out all discussion and striving for truth. He is infinite and omnipotent- He gave us His word and our minds.

I like finding things like this, because it's nice to see that I do have intelligent thought once in while (hardy har har) but these issues are an ongoing debate/investigation in my head, so finding things like this remind me of moments of clarity and also spur me on to further thought.

Listen Up

If you haven't yet listened to the podcasts at Nuclearity.org I highly suggest that you get on it. The mastermind is Hugh Duncan, a boy (well, man now) that I luuurved for at least 4 years when I was just a wee lass (Jr. & Sr. High) and God has just poured a big ol' bucket of talent out on him.

I suppose that it could most easily be described as a short, Christian, This American Life, but that's not completely fair. It is its own thing. I am consistently amazed by Hugh's insights, the interviews he gets (NT Wright!), and his skill in putting together an entertaining, thoughtful, musical program. His official target is Christian families, especially those who may grow weary of the shiny sameness of Christian radio, TV, etc, but basically, if you enjoy thinking or listening, you'll like at least some of the episodes.

An Answer to Prayer

A few weeks ago, in one of our small group Bible studies, we did an exercise where we went around the room and everyone said two things to describe one person at a time. When the group started describing me, I was trying to will my husband (or anyone, really) into saying "smart". Smart and funny are how I have always defined myself, and what I rely upon to make me valuable or to give me comfort. In the end, no one said that I was smart, but what they did say was amazing- pretty much every person described me as "loving", "welcoming", or something like that.

It took me a couple of hours, but I realized that God had placed right in my lap an answer to prayer. For about 6 years, I have been praying for God to reduce me to love. I want to see people how He does and just let His love come pouring out of me. I've prayed this desperately, not ever knowing if I was getting any closer. Am I completely loving? Hell, no. I'm still the cranky bitch that most of my old friends think of when they hear my name, but I'm way better. I'm acting out love more often, even when I don't feel it- the Holy Spirit is checking my mouth and motivations more often, and I'm not at all the same person I was even just last year.

And because God loves me so much, one of my friends from that group came up to me this past Saturday and told me that if we were to do the exercise again, she would definitely say that I'm smart. ;)

Some Descriptive Words

I'm a born-again, tree-hugging, bilingual, semi-liberal, tv-watching, Bible-thumping, tongue-talking, feminist, dieting, obedient, loving, sarcastic, gay-friendly, poor, pro-family, non-violent, animal-loving, against capital punishment, anti-abortion, unity-seeking, rich, evangelical minded, married, sentimental, romance novel-reading, racing, volunteering, working, seminarian, conflicted, Irish/Finnish/German-American who isn't quite sure what "patriotism" means, at least to me, happy, anti-social, social butterfly, language geek.

What I've learned taking Biblical/Koine Greek

I really love Spanish.

Chubby girl with caffeine, cereal, and index cards*

I often look at my purchases when they're laying on the conveyor belt at the grocery store and wonder what they say about me. I'm happy when I have mostly fruit and vegetables, not so thrilled when I have Coke, cheese x 4, meat x 2, and ice cream. I usually take the time to look at the patrons in front of and behind me, to see what their life looks like. Here's what I saw the other night:

Middle-aged man, gray hair, button shirt, banker type. 1 chunk Parmesan cheese, 1 US Weekly, 10 cans cat food. I don't even have to make up a story about him. It's all just right there.
Young-ish couple, probably on their first date. 2 bottles of wine. They? are clearly going back to his house to do it and continue their banal conversation about how fat Britney is, but she's his "gurl"-all in their stereotypical, California, Valley Girl accents. Please know that they were in no way young enough or ethnic enough to get away with any of their conversation. This was Ken and Barbie.

Do tell! What was your last grocery theme?

*liquid chai, powdered chai, diet coke, regular coke, index cards, store brand honey nut o's. The 1st three beverages were for husband of mine.

Sonoma County Smells Like Poop

Goooooooooo, harvest!

Augustana's "Boston"

I really like this song quite a lot. Part of it is the soothing quality it has and the fact that it talks about California, even if the heroine in the song is tired of California, but what I really appreciate is the quality of the lyrics and the picture they paint. I don't know about you, but I can totally see everything the song is talking about and I can extend the story they tell and actually visualize the girl and what she looks like, how she feels- as if the song is a movie itself. And I'm writing this without having watched the video yet, so I'll see if it fits my vision of the song.

*eta- I just watched the video and it has no story. So just listen to the words or stare at the semi-handsome man playing the piano in the surf.

Celebrities are people, too.

I really do believe this. You may remember when I was saddened by the divorce of Reese & Ryan, and I felt maybe a little stupid about being so invested in them, but I'm here to defend myself! My theory: perhaps I'm a better person than you.

I kid. I just mean that while most people subconsciously tend to turn celebrities into commodities, I guess that I continue to hope that they'll behave like human beings with hearts, souls, and brains. So, when something happens to them, it does disappoint me. I don't want people to hurt- not that I'm saying you do- I'm just one of those heart on my sleeve sort of gals, something which has become more obvious to me of late, but I'll get to that another time.

Anyway, today's sadness is about Owen Wilson. Simply put, suicide breaks my heart and it makes me so sad that he tried to do it. As one who has attempted it, I know some of the thoughts and heart conditions that are probably there, and I don't want anyone to feel like that. I'm sad whenever I hear of anyone killing themselves, but I guess since we think that we know celebrities a little bit- at least a portion of their personalities, my mind tends to think, "No! But he seemed okay!" But what do I know?

Stores that do not build my self-esteem

Sure, like most unskinny girls, I don't love shopping for clothes and looking at myself in the stores, but mall stores and such really aren't the ones that fill me with doubt or loathing. What does that are sporting goods stores and music (as in instruments) stores.

Husband and I have always loved sporting goods stores, even before we did anything remotely athletic. We embraced our poseur status in the past, but even now that we are quasi-athletes, I always feel like I should or could be doing MORE when I go into those stores. I see all the different sports represented or the cycling accoutrements* and I just think of time squandered over the years. I have a struggle every now and then with those feelings and I have to remind myself that it is not at all too late to do these things, and I'm already on the path to new adventures and I just need to be patient and appreciate where I am.

But talk about wasted time- sheesh. I feel basically like pond scum when I go into a music store like we did today. One one hand, you have the instruments that I would love to play- pianos, cellos, heck- I'd take pretty much anything and give it a whirl. But then those wants lead right over to the Other Hand- the instruments I already have and don't practice. I see prettier guitars than mine, song books I'd love to play, orchestral music for my clarinet- and I just feel like I'm wasting an awful lot of what I've been given.

Maybe I need to pack away the computer and TV for a few months. Put them on time locks so that I can only do my homework and check my e-mail once per day. Have an automatic ejector seat built into my recliner when I've sat for too long.

*please pronounce a la francaise, s'il vous plait. Even in your head.

The Bathroom at the Mall

For some reason, it's quite humid and I always seem to go in right after someone has pooped.
I hate that.