Good times, great taste

Last night was Mojito Monday at the home of some guys from church, and it was great fun. As a cheap drunk, I was tipsy after the first delicious beverage, therefore making the participation in karaoke that much easier.
As Seth and I were leaving, I wanted to get a video of the house from the outside just to capture how much fun it is and the happy place I'm in. You could hear the music and everyone singing from across the street and a little way down, and the curtains and front door were open wide so that you could see the crowd of silly people dancing and singing in the living room. Just great.

In other fun news, last weekend after church we went to the home of some newlyweds and watched a movie in their backyard. There were about eight of us, so the boys moved the couch and all the chairs they could find out on the deck. We snuggled under sleeping bags and watched Nacho Libre on a projector screen under the stars. It's not that you couldn't do this in Texas or Michigan, but people just don't seem to do it much, and the weather makes it possible here for pretty much the entire year. After the movie, we sat and stared at the stars for a while- you can see a ton of stars out here. Lovely lovely.

This Saturday, we are learning to rock climb, which will be..great? Yes. Great and fun. I wanted to learn before we go to Yosemite and I have to try in front of a group. This way, I can either be an old pro or choose to not do it!

Random Hooha Thoughts

I haven't posted anything in a while, so I thought that I'd just have a post full of non-sequiturs, if that's alright with you.

*It's interesting how musical tastes change. As I mentioned some months ago, I found myself not settling, but happily leaving the radio on Journey while driving through SF. Well, my CD player was revolting against the heat in Sacramento last week, so I was going through the channels and for the first time EVER, I promise, I left on "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum. I never liked this song, but I guess that you really couldn't get away from it when it came out, because not only did I listen to it, but I knew EVERY WORD. Scary. I blame WUMD and the amount of time I spent sitting in the u-mall skipping classes.

*Heat. Holy cow, am I glad we don't live in the Sacramento area!! Seth has the opportunity to transfer over there, and we very briefly thought about it because we could live by our family, but we decided not to. Our decision was initially based on the fact that we have a great life over here- church, friends, my "jobs", etc. But now I'll add a hearty "No frikkin' way!" due to the heat. The first night I was sleeping there for class, I was so hot in one cousin's room, and so I thought that I'd open the sliding door to get some breeze. Nope. No breeze. No cooler outside than inside. The fact that it really doesn't cool down at night just boggles my brain. Also, it's always about 10 degrees hotter over there. So, I got to drive to class every evening with no a/c in my car in the 95-105 degree heat. Oh, I was sexy. We won't speak of the nearly 3 hour drive from class to home/church on the first Saturday.

*California drivers don't seem to know how to merge. It just isn't in their makeup. Perhaps they don't teach it in driver's ed? Don't get me wrong- things are much nicer here than in Detroit. People in Michigan are angry and aggressive and it's just stressful to drive there, but Californians seem to lack this basic skill, and it leads to giant traffic jams. Whenever there is a popular exit or freeways coming together, it gets really ugly for a while. The drivers just don't seem to be able to grasp two things: you SPEED UP to get on the freeway, and if I want to get over there, and you want to get over here, it SHOULD be a smooth operation!

*My first class in seminary was really awesome. I learned a lot about Israel and my eyes were just opened up to many things. I can read the Old Testament and when they mention cities and roads and kingdoms, I can think, "I know where that is!" Just by having the crudest mental map in my head, the stories themselves make more sense and are more real to me now. I also understand more of the constant turmoil of that land, including the fights still going on.

*Lordy, I love California! If you haven't been yet, wander over to Ringo and look at my recent pictures. There are pics of Donner Lake and Reno (which is Nevada, yes, but also wonderful), and also of our bonfire on the beach with church.

*I cut my hair all off, so I don't look like any of the pictures there. It actually came off in stages, and I was stupid and didn't get pictures of the stages. I was going for something punk-rock, but I think it was more white trash. Now it's girly and pixie-ish, but I have to wear makeup more often or I'll look like a boy. I need to work on the details a bit, because although I looked cute, I also kept reminding myself of Erin Moran. Ooh, scary. Looking at that picture, that's almost exactly what my hair looked like yesterday. Perhaps a tad shorter, more product for messiness, or cutting the curly ones at the neck off.

*Look at my training diary. (there's a link on the left). We ran in a race a couple weeks ago.

*I love Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

*I just ate a chocolate pudding jelly bean and it was pretty good.

Alright, it appears that I'm getting a bit thin on material, so I'll wrap it up. If you read my blog, for the love of Pete, leave a comment!

No, really. (More about Harry Potter)

I CANNOT get over how much the significance of Sirius's death was trampled. In reading the books, we know and love these characters more than you can by only watching the movies, so if you haven't read them, I don't think you can understand just how much we were all invested in Harry actually having Sirius as his godfather. A real family member who loves him. We were always just waiting for the day when Harry could go live with him and finally be happy.
This is why it was so mortifying when he died. I think that many of us yelled, "No!" when we read it and, like Harry, were really hoping that something could be done to change that fact.

I don't think that the movies built up this relationship enough, and this latest movie, especially, did little more than throw a few bones towards the concept. The one scene was touching when Harry finally saw Sirius and his face lit up and they hugged, with Sirius giving some throwaway line about them being a family after all this is over, but that was about it. They loved each other very much! They meant THE WORLD to one another and represented very heavy things- Sirius's vindication; the child of his beloved, betrayed friends; a family chosen for him where he is accepted and justified (for both of them); a real connection to his parents for Harry; and not least of all, a chance for a semi-normal life. So why is it that, as my husband says, Harry "handled that pretty well" when Sirius died? It was so quick and wimpy, and they discarded Harry's reaction from the book, so that we were left with the impression that it was a fast, painless death, and Harry quickly moved on from it.

I'll repeat my feelings from my last post: argh!!!!!

Order of the Caca

We just got back from seeing Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and I must say that I am sorely disappointed. I would say that with about an hour left in the movie, a sadness started settling into my heart about how they were botching the movie.

You see, OotP is probably my favorite of the books. Although it was very hard to deal with Harry's attitude the first time around, it all made sense. The book mattered and important things happened in it- things that were life-changing for Harry and all of his friends. The movie, on the other hand, was not important at all. It treated these events flippantly and the movie has none of the tone, tension, or import of the book.

I know that books are something special and that I shouldn't expect movies to live up to the books. I'm aware of this, but that doesn't stop me from getting my hopes up. I love these books so much, and when movies are being made from them, it is natural to be excited. All the things we've all imagined and enjoyed, the characters we love, are almost becoming real! That's why it's so disheartening when they get it wrong. It's as if someone told me they had a picture of my grandma that I never saw, and when I saw it finally, I had to hang my head and say, "That looks nothing like her! You've got it all wrong!"

I guess that I was too hopeful after the Goblet of Fire. I have come, in time, to like the Prisoner of Azkaban, but when I saw GoF in the theater, I was so excited. Even though they had to cut out a lot, I felt like they had finally gotten it right. OotP, on the other hand, just has too much important stuff to cut out. They just couldn't do it with cutting so much. I mean, if friggin' Pirates of the Caribbean 3 (electric jamboree?) can be almost 3 hours long, why can't this movie? They're not going to lose their fan base if the movie is a bit longer!

Spoilers ahead! Specific Complaints (not artfully written):

*The house is sooooo important! And the things that go on there. What the heck?
*Harry's brattiness, while refreshing in it's absence, is still important. It matters for Harry as a character that he wouldn't practice his occulemency. He knew it was important, and his teenage doofus self wouldn't practice. And he paid for it. My husband, who hasn't read the books, actually just thought that all that was about occulemency being hard. Yes, it is, but that's not all it was.
*Why have Luna in the movie at all if you're not going to actually have her do anything?
*Always nice to see less of Malfoy. (not a complaint. I'm throwing a praise in.)
*THE BEST PART OF THE BOOK (okay, or maybe just my favorite) WAS THE SHEER VOLUME OF FRED AND GEORGE WEASLEY!! Where was that in the movie? Argh.
*Um, swamp? Hello? Argh argh.
*Prophecy and Neville?
*They completely slaughtered the power of Sirius's death. Flushed it right down the tubes.

Mostly my complaint is with the tone of the movie versus the book. I think that they were trying too hard to make this a children's movie, and that killed the spirit. And yet, they tried to sprinkle the darkness in here and there. It didn't work.

/END RANT/

Things I did today (which you may not have)

Used a port-a-potty
Rode on a boat
Ate expensive chocolate
Rode on a subway
Saw the sunset on water

Mixed Messages Much?

As I was walking through the mall last night, I noticed a group of teenagers standing in front of one of those rotating billboard things- you know, where the pictures are on a reel or something and roll up to the next one? So, the first image I see is a picture of a lovely little girl, book for a brain, with the well-known phrase "A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste". Cool.

What is the next image? This movie ad.

Right away, it just put a sad, sick feeling in my stomach. The question that I wanted to shout to no one in particular was, "Which is it? Which image do you want?" It can't be both.

Media/Hollywood/the Machine/The Man/.... wants to encourage children to learn, to be pure, to be brave and believe they can do great things-especially girls- but then they basically get the message that once they're 15 or so, they are objects. They are possessions of men, things to look at, variables to be controlled.

I pray for the parents out there. I pray that they will find the right words and attitudes to impress upon their children- especially boys- that treating people like objects is not okay. That it dehumanizes us all and denies what God has made us to be. And here I'm not only speaking to the objectification of girls, but also to the whole concept of these gruesome new batch of movies. Why exactly is torture so hip right now? Don't give me some psychological schtick about the war and how the art is simply reflecting reality. Teenagers aren't watching the news; aren't responding to it like that.

These are symptoms. The movies, the enjoyment of grisly shit, the actual torture going on in the world. Symptoms. We are dehumanizing one another on a daily basis and it leaks out in these ugly and horrific ways.

I'd rather encourage the little girl with books on the brain, but I guess that's just me.
(Yes. abrupt ending. but i was in danger of going on a rant that I'm not prepared to finish right now.)
Read this book for the seeds of some of these thoughts.

Still to come: thoughts after finishing Six Feet Under, and my time with my girls.

Open mic night in my living room

close to my right ear
red bump almost makes my face
one gigantic zit


i love the puff's plus
my red nose needs the moisture
i'm tired of sickness

A complaint-free quarter?

I have had this bracelet for about five months.
The longest I have gone is twelve days, but since then, it's been two or three.
I removed it for a while because I was tired of it being on my body, but I've put it back on again. It doesn't seem to be making a big dent.

I'm definitely more aware now and certainly complain less about big things or things in my important relationships, but I'm not finding myself very aware of the bracelet/mission with everyday griping-type issues. I've been a smidge crabby in my head for the past few days, and it bugs me a bit.

What shall I do? First, I shall wait out my hormones- they're in high tide right now. Second, I shall pray for help, because this surely isn't an impossible task with the superduo of me & the Holy Spirit! WonderTwin powers, activate! Take the form of- Gratitude!!

Granny Panties

A list of things that are disheartening for a girl:

Feeling the need to buy underwear that is quite large.
Wearing said underwear in front of your husband before realizing that it's too big.
Guilt over the money spent on the underwear causing you to not throw it away.
Revulsion every time the underwear is seen.
Grabbing the underwear in desperation and finding that it no longer is all that large.
Not being entirely sure whether the underwear has shrunk or you have grown.

Peee-ew!

I had heard numerous references to the "Sonoma Aroma" through the past year and a half, but I never really figured it out or truly experienced it until this week. The aroma is twofold:

1) Cows. Manure. Horses. Yumm-o. I live in the city, so I haven't really experienced this too much in my daily travels. I mean, I deal with dog and nursing home smell, but not the overpowering, plug your nose while driving and speed up smell that is a mere two minutes down the road from my home. My dog's vet is in the midst of this smell, and I tell you that it was not nice. (The city is small. The fields are near.)

2) Body Odor. I just never made the connection before, even though I knew that there were more hippies and homeless people here than I've ever been exposed to, and I also knew that I avoided standing too near some people at church. But it was really brought home to me Thursday when I was sitting in a coffee shop with a friend, and more than coffee, I smelled the low-level but everywhere presence of b.o.

Ah, California. I love it, so I deal with the stink! :)

Oh, I have arrived

Folks may or may not remember an earlier post where I mentioned never running into people I grew up with now that I've moved across the country. But I've finally, after only a year and a half, crossed the threshold into the land of Knowing People and Being From Here. (I'm sure there's a catchier name for it, but it's really late and I should be in bed. I just want to post some stuff!)

My point is that I quite regularly see people I know when I'm out and about now. And it really only has been in the last couple months. It's quite grand. Today at the awkward fair, I saw...six people I knew. Yes, they were all from ADI, but they were in separate groups! And I knew them!

p.s. Sending overly generous brainwaves to the pres. of ADI because they need more students for the 6-week service dog training seminar this summer, and they offered me a deal that I still couldn't take while saving for other things. So! My brainwaves and subliminal chants are for B to have a wild hair and tell me I can go for free!! It could happen! ~~~Free~~~Free!! Let her go for free~~~~

Busy busy

I know that I'm not as busy as you. Or you. But I am quite the busy girl lately, and it's mostly good. Every once in a while I get a little whiny about having leave the house for a whopping 2 hours to do something I committed to doing, but I can pretty much snap out of that one pretty quickly.

I have also had another epiphany about my role as stay-at-home-sometimes wife. Yes, I claimed to be over feeling guilty about things already once, but now I really don't feel guilty. I realized that while I don't have a spotless house- I always have to do a headless-chicken cleaning dash before anyone comes over- pretty much everything that needs to be done here is done by me. And that's totally fine with me. Mr. Man brings home the bacon, and I may or may not fry it, and I'll probably wait a couple days to clean the pan, but eventually I'll do it and a bunch of other stuff that doesn't even enter his radar.

What was interesting about this train of thought is that it not only helped me to not feel guilty about not having a perfect house, but it also made me feel better about the things that I do and has helped me let go of wanting him to do pretty much anything. If he leaves his socks on the floor today, tomorrow, and the next day, it's no big whoop. I can pick up my husband's stinkin' socks. It takes about a second, and I love him, so why fight about it?

Back to busy bee: I went to 6 (SIX) stores the other day- four of those were for necessities and in pursuit of deals. Oy. I felt like M's boyfriend, L. "But with the coupon I have and the sale they're having, it's FREE!" Those six stores were in multiple trips to and from the house, and around BINGO, an online Bible study chat, and taking the dog to the vet to get her nails cut. And skipping an in-person Bible study at church that bores me a little bit. (See!! I'm terrible, Muriel.)

I suppose that if you were to get all analytical on me, you wouldn't have to go that deep to find that I'm doing some sort of justification ritual whereby I whine about how busy I am so that I will feel more valuable. Sodding Protestant work ethic. But I really don't mind the New Active Lifestyle (can I wear a track suit?) that I have- it feels good after being in an inward-focused phase for so long. I suppose that all of the learning and changing I was doing had to go somewhere outside of the house eventually!

AWKward!

So, I'm trying to put myself out there- helping with things at church, walking the talk, blah blah blah, getting used to busy life, but tonight wasn't great.

A group from my church has a booth at the weekly fair here in town, and they hand out water to people and pray with people. Fair enough. It seems to do a lot of good, and I knew they'd need help, so I signed up for a lot of weeks.

BUT (obviously, you knew this was coming) I'm really not cut out for it. I just really felt strange, like a cult member, trying to lure folks over with the water and then spring the prayer option on them in the approved wording to reach the New Age-y masses of Sonoma County.

It is not anything wrong in what we're doing, it's just me. We're not a cult, and we just want to give people the water and I guess that last summer many people wanted prayer and always felt good about it. I love talking to people about God and Jesus, it's just that the context basically makes it street witnessing, which you may know is NOT my bag. (Oh, I'll be more churchy and say, um, it's not a gift of mine. Calling. Strength. WHATEVER.)

Then, of course, I have the moment of doubt and guilt, "Oh, am I ashamed of my Lord before men!! (Wailing and gnashing of teeth goes on here. Internally.) I know that I comfortably worked the booth for Team in Training last summer, and I'll probably help with the Assistance Dog booth, so why not good ol' JC, who I think is more important than anything? Some of it is the manner and vocabulary that is the preferred method of delivery. A well-thought out delivery, and it works great for others, but it just felt so false for me. I prefer to have long conversations about life and have relationships with people wherein everything about me (oh, at least 50% of me) is a good witness to hope, instead of just jumping someone with, "Do you know Jesus Christ as your personal savior?" (Oh, should I have capitalized "savior"? Am I going to hell for that?)

I also wasn't completely comfy with the TNT booth when they wanted us to be assertive and try to get people's attention. "Um, I'll sit behind the table and smile to people, 'kay? Great."
And the ADI booth will have puppies and service dogs- it pretty much sells itself.

So, will I never tell a stranger the Good News? Ah. I don't know. Maybe it's something I'll grow into. I'll get past some point and learn how to do it with confidence. Maybe I won't- I'll keep watering seeds that others planted. I just don't want to be shuttering my mind and heart from things just because they're out of my comfort zone. Until then, I'll be the one wandering around, praying quietly for everyone I see.

It has been a while

I've had lots of things going on- big and small- and thoughts will come to me now and then and I think, "Oh, I need to blog that!" Alas, I quickly forget them. I'm usually quite good at being a list maker- I guess that I need to start jotting down my blog ideas.
Anyway, enough babbling. I just wanted to post this:

Relevant

Psalm 32
1 Blessed is he
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.

2 Blessed is the man
whose sin the LORD does not count against him
and in whose spirit is no deceit.

3 When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.

4 For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
Selah

5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD "—
and you forgave
the guilt of my sin.
Selah

6 Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you
while you may be found;
surely when the mighty waters rise,
they will not reach him.

7 You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah

8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.

9 Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.

10 Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the LORD's unfailing love
surrounds the man who trusts in him.

11 Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous;
sing, all you who are upright in heart!

Don't I know you from somewhere?

As I sat in the waiting area of the tire shop the other day, a guy sat down and I looked at him for a second to see if I knew him. My thought was along the lines of, "Do I know you from when we were young or something?" The thing is- that's not going to happen anymore. I hardly know anyone in California, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

It's not an unmoored feeling or anything. I just find it odd. It is highly improbable that I'm going to run into someone from elementary school, heck, even college is unlikely! It just so happens that someone from college lives 3 hours away, but I still doubt that we are going to accidentally run into each other. I am separated from my past- my life here is just over a year old.

We are finally getting to the place where it's likely we'll run into someone we know- someone from church, work, volunteering, etc, but there won't be any meetings filled with faces scrunched up in thought, followed by the revelatory, "Ah! That's it! You're so and so!"

In California, I know who I know, for the most part. The plus side of this is: if I do happen to run into someone from the past, it will be a REALLY big deal. Even if it's just the guy who used to come into the store where I worked. It'll be worth it.

Sight-seeing

My mom was just in town for a week and I really feel that there ought to be a post in there somewhere, but I just can't come up with anything. Here goes:
It was really cool to have her here and show here all of my favorite views, people, and places, but it was also tiring. You may know that I don't like having lots of plans, so having something to do every day for over a week was trying at times. Nothing major, but I did have a bout of Killer Fatigue (tm Miss Alli) about 5 days in, but that was also partly my own fault for driving a friend to the airport at the bcod.
My mom and I had a lot of fun- lots of eating out, a blur of people and dogs to introduce to her, lots of pictures taken out of the window of my moving car. "Do you want me to stop?" "No, no. I got it!" (Apparently she did always get it. She says that all of her pictures came out. Sweet!)
Her last night here, we went into the city and spent the night at Fisherman's Wharf. She got to eat crab, we bought toursity t-shirts, saw sea lions, and even got to take a cable car over to Union Square. It was cool to be out and about at night; walking around and seeing new things.
At home, my mom hardly leaves the house after dark, so I was glad that I was able to put her in new situations and that she loved them all. It's always great to hear that the people and places you love are just as great in someone else's eyes as they are in yours.

Classic Rock Gene

I've been wondering if there is something genetic about liking classic rock. Maybe a gene that gets turned on as you age, as your cells decay, the desire for smooth male harmonies and screechy guitars increases.

I have always categorically detested classic rock- Led Zeppelin was the only exception because they are their own category- but my resistance seems to be wearing thin and this annoys me. Yesterday, while in the car, the opening notes of "Wheel in the Sky" came on and I actually thought, "Hmm. Good I'll leave it." I left it, and I sang. And I was frightened.

Admittedly, I was desperate- San Francisco really doesn't have any good radio stations for a big city, but it's not the only time that I haven't immediately kept scanning when faced with something my parents would have loved for most of their young adulthoods.

There is a series of lines, though, that will alert me to my continued decline, should I require an intervention. First stage is ZZ Top. That stage is pretty far along, but my husband is aware and will know to be worried the day I let ZZ Top stay on the radio. Next comes Bob Seger, and the last stage- the one where you know that I will never be coming back- that stage is AC/DC. Let's pray that it doesn't get that far.

Late to the party

Now, it's not entirely my fault, because I had never actually heard her before, but I justnow discovered Nina Simone and now I get it! Wow. It's just something about her voice that immediately grabs me. Again- wow. I know- I've wasted all these years not listening to her. I'm a stupid human being that just became the tiniest little bit more Real Girl.

Celebrities and their mouths

Yes, yes, I ripped on Brangelina in an earlier post for what I feel is a self-important and slightly confused statement about marriage, but I'm here to defend the Celebrity Opinion. Who can you thank? The Dixie Chicks.
Our celebrity culture is brand-new, if you look at the big picture. A blip in world history. Not only is the degree of global communication we have brand-spanking new, but the concept of someone who is not a political or religious leader being famous is relatively novel, not to mention the in-depth exposure that celebrities get that is only about 40 years old. So I'm saying that we're still finding our way through this area.
I also think that people have the right to say pretty much whatever they want to say. I also have the right to ignore them. This is the beauty of the USA. And furthermore, I think that it is only fitting that someone with a great deal of public exposure and money stands up for what they believe in, even if I think they're loons for that belief.
Blech. This could be said better, but I'm tired, I'm multi-tasking, and this is my 4th post of the day. Accept it and get my point! You don't have to agree, but get it!

I'm not as think as you write I am. Oh, never mind, That doesn't work.

You, my friends, constantly tell me that I'm a good writer and that I should write more. You think that I have a novel sitting somewhere in the depths of my spleen, but I say, "Nay!"
You'll notice that, while prolific today, I have only posted 3 times this year. THREE! I just don't have that writer's POV in life. I read the blogs of others, even some people that I might say that I don't particularly like, and they either have great things to say or they are good at saying little things. Life strikes them from a certain angle and they are inspired to put fingertips to keyboard.
Perhaps I need to just practice more: sit at the computer and just frikkin' write something. But I don't want this to turn into my online diary where I have scads of boring posts surrounding the occasional gem. I'm not a funny writer, so I wait for depth to creep into my thoughts unawares, without also turning this into a Bible study or lecture.
What's a poseur in the blogosphere to do?

My profile lies

It lies, I tell you!! But I don't feel like changing it right now. What is false? That I have no friends in California. Now, don't get me wrong, I still don't have a BFF like M or R; heck, I still don't do anything social aside from walking with anyone besides Seth, but we're getting there.
This may come as a shock to you, as it did to me, but actually being social and putting myself in the line of other people has resulted in conversations and possible friendships. I know!! News to me, too. So, my advice to you is this: Go to church! And when you're there, talk to people! Sounds simple, but it sometimes isn't.

Ta-da! Grown-up Life!

I've realized within the past month or two that This is It. I'm in my life, I'm on my path- here we go! I guess that although I wouldn't have admitted it, I was looking around the corner and waiting for my life to show up. Waiting on something big, for school, for that Great Job, or for Significance to descend from on high.
What does this mean in a practical sense? One one hand it is a psychological/spritual revelation that gives me peace and joy. I don't have to feel useless or like I'm wasting time because I am living a life of service and learning, getting in on opportunities for both that God places in my path. On the other hand it is a spiritual/scheduling revolution because I need to put myself out there more, letting go of the vast quantity of Me Time I've learned to cherish and get used to being gone more, putting more hours in at my volunteer jobs, taking more classes at church, and realizing that all of this is good (and will only increase in the future). I am dying to myself a little more every day, and even when I hate it, I love it.
The other possibly big chunk of the picture is that I'm applying to seminary. I have finally gotten a car, and it didn't take long for me to realize that the door for school was now open. So I asked the proper people to write letters of recommendation, I visited the school, hammered out other various paperwork tasks, and all I really have left is to write my essays (religious autobiography and Why Fuller?), which I am currently avoiding by writing to you fine folks.
Obviously, I'll let you know how it all turns out. But please, PLEASE realize that I am not putting all my eggs in this basket. I don't expect to be rejected, and if I get in, I'm sure that the money will happen, but I also know that I don't have to go to seminary right now or at all in order to do what God has for me. That's why I keep plugging myself into various things at church and I keep learning. Something can grow from where you would never think.

My pedestrian life

No, I'm not talking about my walking- there is a lot of it, though. I'm talking about things that are stereotypical, run-of-the-mill, or just what everyone else does or expects. I'm talking about the fact that my husband is like my father.

For the most part, this isn't a bad thing. I love my dad; I love my husband. My dad is affectionate, hard-working, sacrificial, excellent at whatever he does, God-fearing, unconventionally smart, handsome, generally happy and easy to be around, and he will do anything for the people he loves- he'll even do quite a bit for people he only likes. My husband has all of these qualities to one degree or another. The more cloudy side? Moody, occasional lapses into irresponsibility, poor time-management, not too hot a history with finances, a bit much for people sometimes, and one thing I just realized yesterday- a joy for lecturing.

Now, believe me, if you know my dad, you know that no one has ANYTHING on his ability to lecture you on any number of topics about which he may or may not have some small amount of knowledge. You also probably know that my husband does not usually get this way, which I think is because he's not the type of guy who thinks that he knows more about something than you do, but I've noticed that once in a while, if he has more experience or knowledge about something that we are both interested in, he'll get into Teacher Mode. Yesterday it was about running and breathing, but I don't remember other specific topics.

The cool thing, though, is that I didn't mind. He rarely does it, and it wasn't condescending or anything, so I was happy to smile and listen. I actually gave him a little hug because I thought it was so cute. I didn't say anything to him, but I thought, "My daddy does that!"

"You don't know what you're missing out on!"

This is what all but 5 people on the planet have told me and my husband when they found out that we aren't going to have children. And they're right- I don't know. Because I'm not going to experience it. It's fairly cut and dried. You don't know what you're missing when you don't get your foot cut off, either.

I can make guesses or people can tell me things- I'll never look into the face of a baby that I made. I won't see what the combination of our genes would look like. Although I can snuggle with plenty of toddlers and have kids run and throw themselves into my arms when they see me, it will never be because I am the most important person in the world to them- their mom.

It is a choice that I made, and I'm fine with it. Parents crow about the meaning or purpose their life has been given, the scales that fell of their eyes, and other poetic images, but my life does have a purpose. I have meaning- kids would just give it a different meaning or add aspects to the purpose that aren't currently there. But so can other things. I'm the most important person in the world to my husband, which is pretty damn sweet.

So I'm 32. My biological clock surely runs on a different circuit than my brain and heart, and it's possible that my hormones are throwing up dreams and feelings as some last-ditch effort to preserve the species. I say to those hormones, "Calm down, dearies. There are 9 kids out their already with parts of your code in them (children of cousins and nephews). The line isn't dying out." Will I admit that pregnant dreams make me think and that, maybe, there is a hint of wistfulness in them? Yes, I will. There is a hint of wistfulness, but mostly there is a moment of confusion, followed by the firm thought of, "Nope. Still don't want kids." The only thing on earth that I'm more sure of than not wanting kids is my joy that I no longer watch ER.

The other likely possibility, one that I can't believe I didn't think of until a minute ago (so dense sometimes!), is that my pregnant dreams have to do with my life, my purpose, my dreams- I'm getting ready to give birth to something new. Now that is exciting!

Incarnation

Around Christmas, you hear many pastors and other people talking about the mystery of incarnation: isn't it amazing/unbelievable/mind-boggling/etc that God, the Creator of the Universe, lowered himself and became a human baby. They're dumbstruck that he would do such a thing for us- that he would put himself in such a position.

I guess I'm weird, but I don't find the concept all that strange. God made us and he loves us. We're made in his image, so it makes perfect sense to me that he would be one of us in every way- grow in a womb, born tiny and vulnerable, be a teenager, and live as a young man. We're his kids and his siblings (co-heirs with Jesus-Rom 8:17), so it is reasonable that he would look like us and hang with us for a while. (Let's not get into the anthropocentric statement I just made. I know that we look like Him.)

It's also not as if God left Heaven all undefended to come here like some comic book hero. It was what had to be done if we were to be with him, and it was done for us. For me. No- I don't suppose that I understand at all the magnitude of God's love for us nor the concept of giving up a child, but I have loved. I do love people so much that it hurts; that I can't imagine there being more; yet all the love that is in me is from God and is just the smallest shadow of His love.

So, yeah, I can fathom Jesus being a human and God at the same time. Of course, I have been raised so that this information is a part of me, and the events in question took place two thousand years ago, so it doesn't feel that strange. I suppose that it would have been quite whacked out for Mary and Joseph sometimes- knowing that the toddler with cheese on his face was their Savior and the Savior of the entire world. Trying to wrap you mind around that would be a bit odd.

I am very grateful that I have good examples of familial love, friendship, and marital love to give me glimpses and insight into God's love and character. I have always known that Jesus loves me and to Him I belong, and that is wondrous.

Updates, being social, reaching out.

First off- we're not moving to Phoenix. We may be moving a bit east of where we are now, but that's not for a few months. Hopefully Sonoma.

It looks like I'll be going to Mexico in April on a short mission trip to build a house, so that is wonderful. This will be the first of these kind of trips that I've been on since high school, which I find a little mind-boggling, but God doesn't appear to be that big on my travel ideas. Live and learn. I called the contact person today to see if there was a place for me, being that I'm not exactly a carpenter, and he was very happy to add another Spanish-speaker to the group. Their building techniques also appear to be girl-friendly, so I'll be able to do physical labor as well as talking with the family.

The world may be turning backwards on its axis or something, but we went out two nights in a row this past weekend. One night we even went to a party. I know! I can barely believe it, either. Friday we had a date night (dinner and a movie, of course) and Saturday we went to a lovely, grown-up, eat-and-mingle party with some church people. It was really great to talk, relax and be around people. I love my husband, but I really do like to see other people aside from him once in a while.

As sometimes happens when we're with his family for the weekend, I almost lost my voice at the party because my dear, sweet vocal chords are not used to being used quite so much. Makes me a little verklempt.

Have a Very Merry Christmas filled with food, hugging, presents, singing, and praising Jesus!

Humbug no more!

Finally, the Christmas spirit hit me today! I had actually been considering not decorating this year- no one comes to our house, it's too small, my husband doesn't really care, etc etc. Part of it was genuine disinterest, and another part of it was moping.

I've been listening to Christmas music for a while now- that wasn't the problem. And the music does well up emotion in me and I am so thankful for Jesus. We just don't have the room for our tree this year, and our house is so crowded and messy that I felt completely overwhelmed. Thankfully, I'm happy with little things here and there, so after a bit of cleaning was done (more to come), I got a small wreath and some garland from Michael's, and a little poinsettia from Trader Joe's that sits here on the computer desk to make me happy.

The thing that turned my frown upside down? Cinnamon-scented pinecones in the bathroom of Baskin Robbins. They struck me as such a simple yet Christmas-like thing to do, that I didn't feel so overwhelmed or downcast about decorating. So, yes, I have a bowl of those sitting on the desk as well, and I already feel as if I've made the place jollier.

Merry merry!

Sand and locusts

wash me away
every drip, scrap, scab
that remains of the old me- the one I hate
leave just you
the love, the shiny new growth
pink, painful, clean
to bloom. to flower. to reach out into
more of you-
and less of me.

I'm inspired by James Hetfield to finally write.

Yes! I finally downloaded some Metallica so that I can actually hear them once in a while, and I am very happy about it. You see, I really don't listen to the radio often, since I don't have a car, and you would not believe how difficult it is to just friggin' hear Metallica when I do happen to have the car. You would think that they weren't the biggest rock band in the world or something.

We had an excellent Thanksgiving weekend, with lots of loafing in front of fireplaces, watching movies with family, and the requisite eating, drinking, and being merry.

There, I put "Wherever I May Roam" on repeat so that the inspiration can continue...

Husband stubbed his toe on a turkey leg last night, so that is exciting. He also has been interviewed for a temporary transfer (1 year) to Phoenix, so we're waiting to hear about that. I'm not exactly doing cartwheels about living in the fastest-growing city in the country, but at least it's hot. I do think that I'll like being in the desert for a spell. We'll see what God has in store for us!

Okay, I just looked, and Phoenix is actually the 4th fastest, with San Antonio & Houston above and below. Hmmm...not sure what I think of that. On another list, it's 8th, so I'll just calm down.

I see your point. Wait. No, I don't.

I just finished the book To Hell with All That and I must say that I'm mostly flummoxed. The praise on the jacket, as well as the reviews (good and bad) on Amazon lead me to believe that other people actually got a coherent and controversial message out of this book, but I can't seem to figure out what the author actually thinks.

Perhaps that is the point, in a way, but I don't think it is worthy of a published book. Flanagan attempts to address the conflict that many women feel between wanting to work and feel accomplished and worthwhile outside the home and pining over starched sheets and Martha Stewart-inspired handicrafts. Obviously, Flanagan herself is conflicted- she extols the virtue of being a stay-at-home mom and her desire to get dinner made for her kids, but she has had nannies and a maid ever since she had children. Actually, there was a maid employed before the children, too, but she feels terrible and conflicted about this. But she was writing and felt good about it. But she wishes that her mother wouldn't have gone back to work when she was young. But her mom was happier once she went back to work. But, but, but...

WE GET IT!!! You're conflicted, women are conflicted- everyone is fighting over the right answer, but a flowing, articulate book clearly cannot come from this issue. At least not from this author. This would have made a lovely, short article in a magazine, but somehow this mess got approved and printed. For not the first time this year, I moan over the apparent lack of sober editors, and I guess over the state of the book world in general. The people who submitted their blurbs for the jacket clearly didn't read the book, and the reviewers all seem to have pulled one or two sentences out of thin air on which to base their opinions- something not so rare anymore.

Flanagan is called an "anti-feminist" and seems to ruffle quite a few feathers, but I say to those rabble-rousers, "How can you tell?!"

Quick Update on Father-in-law

It's not Alzheimer's, and it isn't progressive, whatever is in his brain. Praise the Lord!

Just like trash

Some would say that I like throwing my vote away. I guess that I always have done so, since my first election in 92. Not even half the precincts are in yet, but I looked at the results so far, and a whopping 4 of the candidates I voted for out of 13 appear to have a chance of winning a seat.

Also, I apparently have much different feelings about things than many Californians, and I also care more than I thought I did. While reading over the results on the "issues", I keep having outbursts like, "You're kidding!" and "What?!"

Well, it's good that I care. I'll check on the results more tomorrow.

So I'm hypocritical AND naive. Good to know.

I have nowhere NEAR the same feelings about Britney divorcing Cheesehead that I do about Nick&Jessica or Reese&Ryan. I guess that, like everyone else in the world, I've been judging Britney as trashy and stupid for a while now, and my first thoughts on her filing are, "Good riddance!" and "It's about time!"

This really isn't the way I should be thinking about people, or about their marriages. I do see a theme, though, in my thoughts. I seem to be all for women dumping husbands who are worthless jerks. Not to say that I don't think people can change- not at all. I hope to be changing every day. But I have the desire to change and put forth effort to do so.

But how do I know that Kevin Federline isn't a good father and isn't striving to grow as a human being? Perhaps he has a close walk with Jesus. I don't know. I mostly think he's an idiot because of the way he dresses. How shallow is that?

I'm not trying to sound high and mighty here. "Oh, we shan't judge the stars. They're people, too. I don't judge anyone." I just think that it's something I take note of, and need to work on.

Sometimes I'm Cantankerous with Luddite Tendencies

Glance at this article about sun exposure, please.
I very much respect Paula Begoun, and I heed her opinion on many things, but I just cannot get behind "sun avoidance" and the hype about the sun.

This is the luddite/head in the sand/whatever you want to call it comes in. I know that skin cancer is a real danger, and I know that tanning is bad for you, and I know that medical science has discovered all sorts of things that refute what everyone used to take as truth, but I get a little, anti-establishment, hippie streak that comes out sometimes.

I am well aware that "natural" does not equal "safe" or "good" all the time, but I find myself more and more leaning towards trusting God-made things instead of man-made things. I was reading about vegans the other day and thinking about what they would rather wear instead of leather or wool. Cotton and...polyester? Yes, I know, there are flax and hemp, but I'm talking jackets, shoes, etc. This may shock some who know that I would love to be a tree-hugging vegetarian, but I find it a bit shocking that people would wear something completely synthetic that won't break down or anything and comes from oil rather than wool or leather. And this is coming from someone who resists leather!! It's just something I'm thinking about.

And, no, chewing on willow bark isn't going to get rid of my headache as well as taking Tylenol is going to do, but maybe I think it's a better idea in the long run.

My original point? I can't get down with the anti-sun folks. I'm not completely stupid. I wear sunscreen sometimes, I don't spend hours outside in the sun, and I don't worship having a tan, but I need the sun. I am often crabby when I don't get a little direct sun on my face. I think that everyone looks better with a tan, and I think that it's suspicious to not ever want to be outside for long or recognize the importance of being in and enjoying nature.

It's raining, it's pouring.

I need a car.
I really have fun on my scooter sometimes, I do, but it just sucks in the rain. I've been wanting a car for a while, because actually taking anything with me on the scooter is a bit difficult. If I want to go to the park and walk when I'm out and about, I have to take a backpack and carry everything with me. This isn't all that conducive to building speed or really taking a good, long walk.

These are the material things I'm praying for right now: a car, a bigger place to live, a job (?). So, a job isn't "material", but it's a thing. And I'm praying about it. Join me, won't you?

Oh, and since I haven't posted it before, this is basically what my scooter looks like. But it's black with a tobacco-colored seat. Looks a bit more substantial than this one. Perhaps the black is just more imposing. (It's hard to be imposing, though, when you sound like a leaf-blower. Poor girl.)

New TV Lust!

As time marches on, and with it, the shows that I tune into change, new boys, new men, new eye candy end up parading their way in front of me. On a small scale, we have Chris Nuñez from Miami Ink, the old standby of Sawyer on Lost, and even the occasional Jack on Lost. The big guns, though, the ones that make me sigh just a little, are Jesse Spencer from House (in addition to Hugh Laurie himself, who has already been mentioned on this blog) and Henry Ian Cusick from Lost.

They are the ones who make me smile. Yes, I know that Jesse Spencer is a bit young, but he's blond, Australian, and his character on House used to be in the seminary. I mean, he's basically irresistible.

I guess I'm naive.

I don't know why, but I am surprised and saddened whenever I read of another Hollywood couple separating or divorcing. I'm actually disappointed for them, as if they were my friends. I stupidly keep waiting for one of them to surprise me and just be committed to each other and stick it out. I suppose that it is also childish on my part to think that the couples wherein at least one is a professing Christian should have a better likelihood of surviving. (Divorce rates are no different within the church than without, so it's a bit insane of me to think that way.)

As the rumors were flying, I really had a hard time believing that Nick & Jessica were going to divorce, and I stubbornly believed that they would work it out. (How? Spontaneous wisdom and maturity that has been completely non-existent in the past? That her ex-pastor dad would actually remember what he learned and back off or give wisdom? That her mother would grow a pair and remember who she was and what she taught her daughters?)

Even though I may be certifiable to expect wise actions to come from Mtv's Newlyweds, I did expect more from Reese & Ryan. I guess that they just struck me as smart and calm. I don't know. I know that I am not in their situation and that I have no idea what goes on in the lives of others, but that doesn't mean I'm not a little crestfallen. I would really love to see young people in Hollywood show some real character and difference from the rest of the world.

p.s. I guess that I'm also naive to think that I could actually use the correct punctuation on "naive" and that it would work correctly in the template. Oh well.

Pray

My father-in-law might have Alzheimer's. That just sucks.

Happy Happy! Joy joy!

It is NOT too late to donate to LLS and help me meet my fundraising minimum! I have one month after my event- so November 22nd. I have about $800 left, so anything you can do would really help.

Watcha waitin' for? Just click here. Or here.

Medical Expenses-ARGH

Today I got to try to contact our health insurance company to straighten some things out, but this didn't really work out. Does that surprise you?

It really frustrates me that even with good coverage, we have so much money that we have to spend just on medical care. Both of us had issues that needed to be addressed within the past few months, so we were grown-ups and went to the doctor. References were made, prescriptions written, therapies attended, and bills were sent.

Shall we add in the dentist? Let's just say that there's a lot to be spent there. I feel that I really do need to find a job soon, and that is basically so that we can pay our doctor and dentist bills. How much does that suck?

I had forgotten about this little diatribe that I wrote while sitting in the dentist's office in September:

So, I've been pondering & wishing for socialized medicine. Even with good insurance, anything that requires more than one doctor's visit ends up becoming a hurdle. Follow-up, specialists, prescriptions, x-rays- it all adds up. And our dental insurance only covers one office in town. ONE. This office is so crowded that grown men are sitting in chairs with their knees practically touching. The sounds of cries and drilling are coming over the wall, and it's almost as if the whole place is specifically designed to wear down the spirit. It feels like we're all being punished. But I am grateful for the dentists and for the insurance that I do have.

Sometimes I have fantasies of running off to an island or some backwoods country where the tentacles of bureaucracy and western capitalism haven't reached, but I would miss the medical care. The movies. The toilet paper.

Completely Random

Sorry it's been so long, but I really don't have much to talk about. I am currently in chilly Michigan visiting friends and family. It hasn't been too bad here, but I do miss California. My husband went home yesterday and I found myself jealous that he got to see the family when he went to pick up the dog. Oh well. I'm glad that I am able to stay for another 11 days or so, because I really am enjoying this visit much better than the last, since I don't have to rush around and feel pressured to see people.

My random thought for the day is this: big crush on Hugh Laurie.

Book Funk

I've been reading like a beast for the past year or so, and I fear that this streak is coming to an end. Very little is grabbing my attention or keeping it for very long. I feel a little like an empress or queen being presented with jesters- "You bore me! Throw him to the lions!"

I do believe that I have started and stopped reading 6 or 7 books in the past month, and the two that I did finish weren't satisfying. In fact, one pissed me off. This situation is a little depressing because I do so love to read. I have a list of about 150 books that, at some point, I decided that I want to read, but as I scan the list at the bookstore, I just think, "No. No. No. Not now. Ugh. Why is that on here?"

This entertainment apathy started with movies quite a few months ago. As with the book list, I have lots of movies in my queue, and by the time they arrive, I often have no idea what they are or why I decided to rent them. Aside from DVDs of TV shows, most movies we rent end up sitting on the floor for quite a while before they are finally watched. Or before we try to watch them, decide that they're boring, and send them back.

I'm sure that there is a deep statement that can be made about our consumerism and constant need for entertainment, but I'm just not in the mood for that. There are thousands and millions of books and movies out there- WHERE ARE THE ONES FOR ME???

Amazing Grace- I am a wretch

I had a bit of a breakdown/pity party last night thinking about how long I've been praying about being loving, trying to be a more gracious person, and still failing miserably. I thought of times I've been snotty, mean, judgmental, difficult- some from years ago. I'm not sure if the meat of this breakdown came from God or from Satan (if it was conviction or accusation), but I know that God used it.

I've prayed to be more gracious, to be full of love, and also to be humbled. I am thankful for the humble perspective that I gained through realizing how much I have in common with Paul and with all people on this planet: "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." Romans 7:15. I was glad when this verse came into my head last night, because even in my tears, the temptation was there for it to still be all about Me. But I don't run across anything that is uncommon to man, and I can always overcome.

It is so easy to be proud and to have no real grasp of the concept of grace when I don't have what people would consider huge sins in my past- no drugs, promiscuity, murder, violence. But I am no better than anyone, and nothing that I do earns my salvation or God's love. Grace is unmerited favor. A free gift.

I've been reading a book about grace and it has been focusing on God's grace to us so that we can see how little we deserve and, in turn, be more gracious to others. Everything I read I understood in my head, "yeah, yeah. Exactly. I don't deserve it", but it wasn't really clicking. I am extremely grateful for the small kick in the pants that I received, and I hope that I won't need further, bigger wake up calls in this area!

2 Corinthians 9:15

Why I heart myspace/the internet

I haven't written here in a while, and I have nothing new to say, but I thought that I would copy a blog I did a month ago on myspace:

This isn't a plug or anything, but a response to the many people out there who are so turned off by myspace and think it's full of sexual predators and freaks.

A shallow reason is because it is a place where I can pretend that my opinions count. We all design our pages and list what we like, and we get to feel like we are finally movie stars and people are reading about our favorite colors and movies in the pages of Bop magazine. This is fun.

The better reason is that it has expanded my social circle beyond the little, hand-picked group that naturally forms as time marches on. I have gotten to know people that may have otherwise stayed acquaintances or faded away altogether. I learn things about people that I didn't know, and I form new friendships that I probably wouldn't have had a chance to experience.

People still seem to look upon the internet with disdain or suspicion. We all tend to mock those who date people they meet online, or at least find it too weird to understand, but I'm starting to understand. Where I am right now in my life, I actually talk to more people online than on the phone, and definitely more than I talk to in person.

One of my best friends right now is someone I haven't yet met in person, but we have a real friendship and affection for one another. We talked on the phone for the first time last night, and it wasn't very different from conversations with some of my oldest friends where we think that we're almost done or don't have much to say, but it just keeps going and we ended up talking for an hour and a half. I think that's really cool.

I'm not sure if it's the product of an internet friendship or simply comes from our ages and stations in life, but it's almost like we laid our cards out on the table and had a little game of "Are You Sure You Want a New Friend?" Early in our online chatting, we were pretty honest about wanting friends vs. knowing that friends can be a big pain or take up time. Things like, "Well, I'm pretty anti-social sometimes, so don't be offended..." were said (mostly by me, but she agreed). It's probably a matter of age. We know that it is hard to make good friends at this stage, so we want to cut through the crap and tap-dancing.

A month after the original post, we now talk more on the phone than online. It seems sort of fake now when we chat online, like, "Why am I typing this when I can just talk to you?!" My friend's mother died last night, and I'm glad to be someone that she can lean on and I'm honored that I've been with her through this and she called me to let me know.

We're finally going to meet next month, and we are both quite certain that we will be boogery, crying messes when we do. I've had close friendships in the past where I couldn't have imagined not staying bestbest friends with someone, yet we drifted and lost touch, so I'm trying to keep a little bit of perspective before I put her in my will or something. (I jest.) But I would like to think that this is the Real Deal, and that even if we have times where we don't talk often, that we'll always reconnect.

Moral Legislation

I've actually been thinking about this topic since it's been brought up a bit lately. I'm sure that I have many conflicting thoughts about it, but today I have two things to say:

1) It is not the job of the government or the Church to make a bunch of rules about what people should or should not be doing. They are to be examples of what is right, and the Church is supposed to love people and bring them to Christ. I understand that government has a protective role and that could get murky, but I guess that I am in the conservative camp of "no big government" on this one.
Y'all know that I love California, but just in my short time here I see how it could turn into a police state "for your own good" down the road. Example? Sure. I gave blood the other day and I noticed that it there is a state law mandating that you stay in the canteen area for 15 minutes after giving blood. A STATE LAW!!!

2) I don't know if this conflicts with or goes right along with my point above, but this just made me laugh my butt off: The headline on MSNBC.com says "Brangelina won't marry until all couples can."
Well, bully for them. Their respective histories display an obvious reverence for the institution of marriage. I guess that my main point is the self-importance and delusional tendencies of stars.

Update on Sept. 11, 2006 6:42 PM

I understand that the example I gave of the California law isn't "moral" legislation, it's simply stupid, but I guess that I feel it veers towards morality by trying to tell people what to do down to a micro-managed level. I am also aware that there are many conflicts to be had in this area and the whole concept of Government's role as protector.

The law about giving blood gets into the "my body, my choice" area, which can go in many different directions. My parents get completely bent out of shape by the seatbelt law, but I don't think that they want abortion to continue to be legal. The junior college here is now a non-smoking campus. I hate smoking, don't want to be around it, and I'm absolutely thrilled that there is no smoking in any bars, restaurants, bowling alleys, etc in California, but the entire campus being smoke free just rubs me slightly the wrong way.

We live in a fallen world and it is never going to be perfect. I don't expect that I or anyone else will ever have the exact solution, much less that any government will approach the ideal in this regard. It seems that we just have to roll with it and pray for wisdom for picking our battles, because for every law that I think is ridiculous and insulting, there were obviously enough people that did not think so who could be just as passionate about it.

Here is an article of partial relevancy to this topic and a whole 'nother can of worms. It's at Christianity Today. (What else do I read, seriously?)

Silly post, cont.

Maybe I won't stop watching so much TV. I am having some seriously whacked out, but interesting dreams!

Just give me back my romance novels, 'kay?

How was your Labor Day weekend? Mine was lovely, thank you for asking. We were going to visit family but decided that it just wasn't relaxing. Our Saturday was the usual weird combo: training, TV, church, drinking. We also had the regularly scheduled late-night runs to the grocery store and Blockbuster, but I think those were last night, not on Saturday.
Both yesterday and today we went to the park to walk and even took the dog. She was mostly good and was nice and tuckered out on the way back. Today we took our chairs and sat by the lake reading for a few hours. Very, very lovely. Have I mentioned my love for California? Oh, that's right, I have.

I am not going to read all the books I checked out about feminism. I'm just not going to do it. Why? Because I don't want to and I don't have to. I'm going to skim them to get a feel for the history and what the current ideas are, but that's about it. What I've basically learned is that, as much as some of the "mainstream" feminists would like to make you think otherwise, there is no one definition of a feminist. There is the common thread of acknowledging an oppressive history and wanting continued expansion of freedom and respect for women here and abroad, but that's about where the commonality ends. So, just as I challenge some people's notion of what a "normal" Christian is, I'll go ahead and embrace the label of feminist and sometimes I'll explain myself, and sometimes everyone can just suck it!

As far as the "liberal" label, I think that I'll put that one back where I found it. The ideological baggage that comes with "liberal" or "conservative" just is too much nonsense to deal with, so I'll stick with my middle-of-the-road, independent, sometimes here, sometimes there non-label which has done pretty well for me for the last 16 years or so.

Now, I can slowly (v-e-r-y) finish reading A Generous Orthodoxy and perhaps get back to my fiction. Where is that vampire book I had?

And now for a silly post

I've been having Project Runway dreams. THANKS, BRAVO! Last night there was also a dash of Six Feet Under, and also Christa Alberts was there. (Old friend.)
The night before last was Kayne from PR, Anthony Bourdain, an island inspired by the last leg of Treasure Hunters, and I was advising on a PR task because it was the same as when my leg of The Amazing Race went through the day before. Plus, lots of drama.

I think that I may be watching too much TV.

What hath Oprah wrought

I channeled my inner Grandma the other day and wrote a letter of complaint to O Magazine. (I also wrote a letter of praise to novelist Carolyn Parkhurst, and she wrote back to me, but that's not what I'm talking about here. It's just cool.)

The subject of my complaint? Stationery. Not just any old printed notecards, but ones designed by Kate Spade and featured in a multi-page spread in the September O. Stationery that costs $189 for 50 calling cards (that's a boring design, and one of the cheapest ones, too.)

I am not often one to shake my fist at excess or deny anyone the right to have nice things- if you know me, you know that I greatly enjoy shopping and don't like cheap crap. But, as the Slacker's Prince often points out, our worldview is very much shaped by our lower-middle class upbringing. My definitions of "cheap" and "expensive" are VERY different from Oprah's definitions, or the definitions of many people that I meet here in California. Either way though, I find it vulgar to spend that kind of money on cute paper products when there are starving children in Africa.

Which brings me to the conundrum (dare I say "hypocrisy") that Oprah creates on a weekly basis. Oprah defines what is good, acceptable, desirable, and worthy of attention for millions of people worldwide. It sounds glib for me to use "starving children in Africa" in a guilt trip, but those African children are some of the people that Oprah cares most about in this world. Yet she can have an episode about her trip to South Africa air on a Thursday, and then next Tuesday the wildly popular "Oprah's Favorite Things" episode airs, where she gives away televisions, jewelry, cheesecakes, handbags, and other things that have caught her fancy over the year.

Is it impossible to both have extravagant things and provide real support for charities and worthwhile causes? No, it is not impossible. Mostly for Oprah and the SuperRich. Am I saying that Oprah doesn't do enough or that she shouldn't like Burberry jackets? Not at all. What I would like to consider is the fact that most people cannot both make a real difference for a ministry or charity and save for the latest Balenciaga dog collar or Prada silk tampons. So Oprah is sending a very mixed message to her viewers: You can make a difference! You need this flat-screen TV! You need to and can do something about the situation in Africa, or for women in Iraq, or for the kids who can't read in your city! $180 moisturizer is the only way to go!

Which is the priority?

An epiphany, but not as impressive

I can't seem to put what I want to say into paragraph form, so you get bullet points:

• I have wandered both geographically, spiritually, and professionally for most of my adult life.
• I don't have many of what the cool kids like to call "accomplishments".
• Sometimes this makes me feel like a loser.
• There are better ways to look at this.
• God is keeping me humble, being that I'm so fond of being a smarty-smarty.
• I'm supposed to give thanks in all situations.

When I examine things just from my point of view, I love my life and I like all that I've done and everywhere that I've been. It's just when I think of how others are looking at me that I get all defensive. Which is stupid. I guess that I also think, "I should have done/been more," but that is pure vanity.

I started writing this yesterday, and today I feel much better about things. I suppose that writing while exhausted doesn't do anyone much good. It just results in whining.

I got this Bible verse in an e-mail message today: "The vision is for an appointed time. Though it tarry, wait earnestly for it, for it will surely come." (Habakkuk 2:3)
That pretty much says it. I know that God is doing things in and through me and one of the things that He has been trying to beat out of me is my need to control things, so I get to float. But I'm floating with purpose- being transformed and molded, so I need to do so with more appreciation and peace.

Well, nothing really has been new.

I see that I haven't written anything here in a couple weeks, but there hasn't been a lot to talk about. I haven't finished my exploration of feminism and what my definition will be, but it's always bouncing around. I'm just so tired of the old stereotypes of what makes a feminist, a Christian, a liberal. It's all one, big, churning mass of thought right now, so not too great to write about, but here are things that are informing the internal debate:

A quote from Irish writer/feminist Rebecca West that I found through a high school friend:
I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.

An excellent (so far) book that I'm reading with a title too long to include, so just follow this link. The subtitle should tell you where I'm going with this.

So, what are these things doing for the debate? Well, I hadn't seriously considered the need to read the early feminists, but I guess that I need to do that. And up to this point, the book is making me firmer in some of my convictions about what a Christian should really be. And then that leads to the endless circle of "You're too judgmental. But now I'm judging you." So I guess that I shouldn't so much say, "what a Christian should really be," but rather "What I need to be."

I spent eight days with our California family, and that was very nice. Two-day trips every month or more are really not enough to truly get to know a large group of people and have good conversations, so this was really great. It was lovely to be able to spend four hours at a time talking with B and not feel like I'm ignoring the other members of the family.

Also, it was the first time that I actually felt that I would enjoy living there. But I don't want to live there! (harrumph) Well, it doesn't help matters when one of your favorite kids in the world (well, let's be honest- one of the only kids you like) says to you, "I really wish you guys lived here near us!" It's just that I love where we live, I love living near the ocean, and I love living in the Bay Area. The real desires have been to move closer to the water, closer to San Francisco, or all the way down to San Diego. This is why I wait on God to see how He directs our path.

Good for me! I actually got a real post out of the ether!
One last note: when doing the spell-check on this post, "Toronto" was suggested as a replacement for "doormat".

Why I do this

I've just spent the last hour or two listening to the podcasts of a guy from high school, one who I actually had a major crush on for about four years, but that is neither here nor there, I think.

You know what? It doesn't even matter. It doesn't matter what he is doing or what anyone else is doing. The point is what I am NOT doing. Anything. And now the phone rang and I had to talk for a few and get out of my pity party. Moving on.

My point is that I want so much more from myself. I want to be a part of the big conversations and to be smart(er) and know things. I fill this void by posting about things that don't matter much on discussion boards and vomiting out my opinions on minutae on myspace and here. I appreciate this blog and I love doing it because it is the only form of writing that I practice right now, which leads to the constant fight between writing in slacker/realistic form because it is my little corner and I can do whatever I want and trying to be grammatically perfect and write as if I'm forming the argument of a paper, just in case someone reads this page who doesn't happen to be one of my two best friends who already know what I am capable of doing.

Bill Hybels speaks of a "holy discontent" that God uses to show you where you should act. I know that this isn't completely what he means by it, but that phrase is what is in my mind right now. Perhaps this restlessness I feel is my holy discontent bubbling up in my direction. I'm in a place of transition. We'll see what's next.

I'm sure it's just me

Husband and I were both bitten by a dog this weekend. Nothing major at all; just a bratty chihuahua mix who was scared. I wouldn't say that I was upset afterwards, but I was shaken. Perhaps it was shock or something, but I was trembling for a bit. Now, here's the weird thing: even right away, I was almost glad for it. I don't know if anyone would understand this, but I look at it as almost a milestone of some sort. Let me see if I can explain.

I haven't been bitten by a dog since I was little, and not that I'm afraid of dogs at all, but no one really wants to be bitten, so there is always a little fear kicking around in the back of the mind: What if I get bitten? I'm chewed on pretty regularly by the various dogs in my life, but this was an angry bite and there is a bit of a hole in my hand right now. So here's the glad part: I was bitten, and it was no big deal. Like I crossed a line or something. Yes, it was just a little dog, not some big mutt trying to take a chunk out of my leg or anything, but I feel a little bit like, "Oh. Got that taken care of. I lived. Good to know. Moving on."

So that you can mentally prepare for an upcoming post: I am currently pondering feminism- its current definitions and my place in them. It's probably going to be a big one, and soon. Just so you know.

Copy of sad post from my training blog

I e-mail occasionally with a guy from high school who also goes to my old church in MI. He had mentioned a sick friend from church from time to time, but I didn't know who he was. From my friend's myspace page, I hit the page of another girl that I knew from choir. Her blog mentioned the same sick guy a few times and also mentioned his website. When I got to the his website, I realized that I recognized him. I don't know him, but I recognize him from church. I remember thinking that he was cute when I saw him in choir. Well, he died Monday from a very rare form of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. He was only diagnosed 9 months ago (on my birthday last year) and his body rejected the bone marrow transplant that he received. I just read the past 6 months of updates and cried and cried. I know that I'm rambling a bit here, but basically I'm sad and also very glad that I'm doing what I'm doing with LLS.

If you haven't donated yet, please do so. If you have, thanks so much. Maybe donate some more. It's worth it.

World Events

It feels like the world (even the earth itself) is just going crazy right now. The fires here, the Israel/Lebanon thing, everyday there is something new in Iraq. I'm really bumming.

I know, I know. It's all about me and my feelings. I've just been aware & overwhelmed by world events for the past week or two, and I feel so helpless. I see Al Gore talking about the environment, I watched Syriana and have all that in my head, I'm reading the headlines about the Middle East.

What do I do? I cry and I pray. I ask God to tell me what I can do. For some of the situations, all I can do is pray. And that isn't a little thing as some people would think- it's a lot. But as a compassionate human, I want to make a difference that I can see and know about. Perhaps that is an area where my faith can grow- knowing that praying is making a difference somehow. And listening for God's voice to show me what else to do.

Psalm 122:6

New Shoes. Again. Oh, goodie.

I mean, I like buying new shoes as much as the next girl, but dropping $90 on running shoes for the second time in less than two months just hurts. But these should do a better job of cutting down on the excruciating pain, which is a plus in a shoe.

Summer Reality Shows

Two shows I am quite fond of right now: America's Got Talent and the World Series of Pop Culture. The first fills my need for American Idol, and the second makes me feel smart. Or like lots of my brain matter is clogged up with facts about Jessica Simpson and Hammer, but that I'm not alone.

So far, I know that I'm as good as the people on WSOPC. I'm pretty much getting all the same questions right and wrong, but I am truly impressed with some contestant's knowledge of what I think of as extremely obscure information.

I'm also watching Treasure Hunters, which is a very nice emotional replacement for The Amazing Race. And in TH, they actually have to FIGURE OUT CLUES!! Ooooh-aaaah. TAR used to have that. But the host of TH is a cyborg who will NEVER measure up to Phil, and it just isn't quite as fun as TAR. But it is its own thing, and I appreciate it. Hopefully they'll hang the editors they have now and clean the whole mess up a bit for a second season.

Oh, this is so funny.

I promise I'll only leave this up for a little bit. I just find it so stinking funny.

Rock Lobster
By Family Guy
BestVideoCodes.com

A thought on being a pedestrian.

You know, lady, when I'm on mile 8 out of 9.5, that is really not the time for you to try to hit me with your truck.

I'm just sayin'.

Death...I don't like it.

I miss my grandma. I think of her when something cool or new is going on, and I want to tell her. I think about her because I'm going to Hawaii, and she went a few times (I think) when I was young. To my mind, Hawaii is Grandma's. I wanted to tell her that my Uncle, her son, is going to be here in town a block away from my house and we're going to go out to dinner.

But she already knows.

99 Degrees and all is mostly well.

It was 103 today. We don't have a/c. But I'm making it. Small bursts of activity with internet breaks between. There is sweat dripping down my side. There is no way I am making a hot dinner. Salad it is! If I can even muster the strength for that. Perhaps fruit and water.
This is the exciting prose you get today, but I felt that my near-misery needed to be shared with you, the loyal readers.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and she is really cool. I like that she was at one with the fact that she didn't really know what was going on with me, and after looking up her theory, referred me to an orthopedic surgeon who specializes in sports medicine. She was also friendly even though she was super busy, so big points for that.

I'm trying to clean my room, which is frustrating because there isn't enough room for a lot of things, but I am trying. I clearly don't care a lot about the state of the bedroom because there are suitcases sitting there with things in them from a month ago. Hey, I don't spend a lot of time in there. As long as the bed is cleared off at night, we're usually good. Though I do occasionally heave a sigh or two when we just transfer clothes from the bed to the hope chest, dresser, or floor.

Moving has come up as a possibility, and I look forward to this because I can get rid of a lot of things again. That would be exciting. Yes, I could get rid of these things anyway; you're wise to suggest it. But it's not like I'm a pack-rat and there is all of this extraneous junk around-I am in love with getting rid of things. The things that I would get rid of were we to move would be actual useful things that I know we can just buy more of later when we need them.

Let me back up a minute- any move would be into a furnished apartment and temporary and elsewhere, so we would have next to none of our things for a good length of time. I imagine that what we would take would be necessary movies, books, clothes, and CDs. Other things would go into storage.
But this is putting the cart before the horse. Updates to come.

Knife Safety

I am such a goober. I was washing a bread knife last night and decided that the jagged edge should be pulled across my index finger. Yum. Now it hurts, but I have a Bob the Tomato bandaid to help me through it. And I'm afraid of the dishes.

New Band

Get thee straight over to the Gnarls Barkley website and listen to them. I am obsessed, I tell you. I have them in my head all of the time.

Spirituality and My Corner of the Internet

I was waiting for some moment of clarity or inspiration so that this entry would be perfect in explaining how I feel, but I don't think that moment is on its way, so I'll go ahead with it:

In poking around the blogosphere and myspace, I notice that many people have their faith right out there for all to see. Their answers to "Who would you like to meet?" are "My Lord and savior" and things of that nature. Their "About Me" sections are full of how much they love God and how all they want to do is serve Jesus better, etc, etc.

My reaction to this? Guilt. Which I know isn't from God, but there it is. I wonder why I'm not more like that; why my first instincts and answers aren't to give those type of answers. Having gone to a Christian high school, this has always been an issue for me. I look at the ones that are overtly spiritual and wonder what's wrong with me or why I don't love God as much as they do.
And I know in my mind that this is crap. Periodically, I know it in my heart- but it comes and goes. Jesus and I are likethis, and I am on my own path. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. "but but! I'm going to be a pastor! someday..."

And there's also the issue of whether these people are all really like that. If it really was their first instinct to have their myspace be their Christian calling card. I would think that not all of them are like that. Maybe it is their first reaction because they want to make sure to put it out there for reasons of insecurity, not that they are only ever thinking about God. But I know that some of them are like that. I never have been.

I don't go up to people on the streets or witness door-to-door. Some would call it a copout, but I don't- I live my life for God. I love people- that's actually my biggest goal. I want people to know that I love them. I want to be a friend to people and have them trust and rely on me and know that they are loved by me and by God. I do bring up faith with people. Quite often, actually. I've talked to strangers about God at parties- I let it happen organically.

Two quotes, one oft-used but still good, one probably unknown to you:

Preach the Gospel always, and when necessary, use words.
attributed to St. Francis of Assissi

This one is from Beth Moore's book Believing God. She calls these the phrases that make up your shield of Faith. I love them:

God is who He says He is.
God can do what He says He can do.
I am who God says I am.
I can do all things through Christ.
God's Word is living and active in me.

These help me to confirm who I am when I doubt it. Obviously, they lead me back to other things I know and what the Bible says about me. Maybe someday I will be more like "those people", but they aren't better than me or smarter or closer to God. They are walking their own walks and it is their business. I am working out my salvation with fear and trembling.

The Shoes I Got Sunday

Not girly, but I'm happy. I needed the top ones; I've wanted the bottom ones for quite a while. And they were on sale!! Yay.

Also, there was no manipulation of my husband to get these, even though I said that I made puppy dog eyes at him. It was totally up to him whether I got either of them.

Sunday in San Francisco

I got new shoes today!!!
I also got some workout clothes, but I'm more excited about the TWO pairs of shoes that I got. I needed new running shoes because I just about wanted to cut my feet off after my training walk yesterday, but the awesome store where we went in the Presidio also had some Simples I've had my eye on for only $30! I made puppy eyes at my husband and they were mine! I also got some high-falootin running socks, so we'll see how those work.

It's funny: this is really the first time I've been into a sport since high school, but my husband and I have always enjoyed sporting goods stores and could spend lots of time and money there. We're poseur athletes.

Since the store was in SF, we went ahead and drove around a bit. We went in the fort under the Golden Gate Bridge, and that was fun. There were sailboats and windsurfers in the bay- it was just beautiful. People everywhere, running, playing with dogs, riding bikes. I love it so much.

We also drove around town a bit, and I really feel like I'm over it. I've been feeling like a big loser for the past six months because I hadn't really been to the city yet, but I realized that it's just a city! I like where I live A LOT. I don't need a big, huge metropolis. So, I'm no longer intimidated by it- if there is somewhere I need to go, I'll go, but I don't feel the need to say that I've been there. I've been a bit, and it's enough. (In case you're in shock, I don't like New York either.)

And? I don't like the steep hills. We started going up Lombard Street and I finally snapped at my husband, "Get me off this street!" I've seen it enough on TV, and we saw it from another view when we were driving by. It was just too stressful for me.

Oh, the American Idol finale

Blech. He's not my Idol. But Katherine isn't that great, either. I mourn for Elliot.
I will say this: I had a kissing dream about Taylor Hicks. It was okay, but he was a tad jerky.

Bumps and bruises

It has been a while since I've posted, and there are a few things I want to talk about, but just not right now. What I will mention is that I had my first fall on my scooter a couple of days ago. It wasn't huge or tragic, but it wasn't fun.
Thankfully, I was in my driveway, not on the street, and my father-in-law was there to help me pick up my bike. I think that I could have gotten it on my own, but I was a little wigged out at that moment. I was just trying to do a tight turn and the throttle got away from me and the scooter just slid out sideways. I scraped my arm up- it's all ugly and purple- and I felt like I got punched in the back, but all is well. Thank God that I had my jacket on and decided against wearing shorts.
I had been coming around to the idea of maybe getting a motorcycle in the future, but I am firmly off of that right now. I barely wanted to ride my scooter after that, but I have a few times now, so I'm okay. I was mostly sad about falling. And I felt stupid.